Time to make changes

[joss]

Thanks for your input peacetoday.

I don't think I can be 'just' friends with him. I'd like to be able to, but I guess I'm not 'big' enough. I'm too hurt.
I have no idea how to get beyond the hurt.

I have been looking at some 'active listening' info so I hope to be able to put that into play when I return home tomorrow (Iv'e been spending christmas week in self-imposed isolation in a caravan in my favourite place in the UK. The kids have been with H and his siblings/mum. It has been very peaceful; just what I needed ).

A quick update: H was away for 5 days just before christmas. He went with his mum and siblings to a place where we went together, and he sent me an email from there saying how he is reminiscing about our great time there and how he

Feels rather sad to remember what great times we used to have, and so many.Mx

I was a little taken aback, to tell the truth as I didn't understand why he felt the need to tell me this. He has been telling me (over hte past few years) how we have grown apart (being involved in a 5 year affair with a colleague will do that, of course.)I have always thought we had great times. I responded simply with 'Yes, it is sad'. I noticed that this was the first time in over a year that he signed his name (initial) with a kiss, like he always used to (and like I noticed he did when communicating with OW).

Over the past week (since I;ve been away) I have received a couple of emails from him , one of which on christmas day he said;

To tell you the truth, I'm finding the prospect of this Xmas hard and it would be easier to be alone myself...

and another saying:

Hope you're having a nice time. We're missing you. Xmas is still for families. The kids loved their gifts. Thank you for doing all of that. Mx

I have no idea where his head's at. Why did he say Christmas is still for families??? I KNOW THIS and if it wasn't for his affair, we'd still be together as a family.

He has always claimed he's never wanted a divorce, and since I threw him out of our home 4 months ago (for continued EA with work colleague)I think he thinks I hate him. I am wondering if he has jumped onto the dating sites because he thinks I don't want him back and he wants to find a connection with someone. I have no idea if his affair partner is still in the picture.

Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. I just wanted to get it written down. If anyone can read any meaning into these jumbled emails from H I;d be happy to hear them. I am really confused.

Hope you all are having a peaceful festive season. joss x