I have ordered the divorce remedy and divorce busting. I am doing all of the things you've stated, and the problems has never been that I'm a bad father, actually I'm a rather good one and she has told me that. She tells me that me being nice to her and/or doing things for her are doing nothing but pissing her off and actually driving her away. I told her, okay, but I just do not have it in me anymore to be mean to you, and I mean it when I say that. I told her last night as we bathed our children and my 8 mos old was needing to be fed, that I know my being nice to you is upsetting you, but there is nothing wrong with our trying to help each other ( I had asked her if she wanted to feed the baby and I said I would see to my other lil girl, and she made a face as if to say, see? this is what I'm talking about).
"Anyone who is among the living, has hope." (Eccl 9:4)
Do not tell her: show her. Do, not say. If you know nice words upset her, don't tell her that. Just show that you care for her in ACTIONS, not words.
Remember, she is angry at you after all those years, and likely to be thinking "too little, too late." So you only can hope that she will notice the change in you and eventually change her own mind.
And be very consistent in your change. You are not changing for her, you are changing for yourself, to be a better person. If that helps her realize that you two might have a future, great.
Check BillM's old threads in Newcomers: he managed to make his W love him again but it took a long time and a lot of patience.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Quote: She tells me that me being nice to her and/or doing things for her are doing nothing but pissing her off and actually driving her away
That's HER FEAR talking...her fear that it's just more of the same...empty promises...and short lived changes.
Keep doing the right thing NO MATTER what negative things she says and don't ask in ANY way for acknowledgement that you've done them...don't point out to her that you're doing these good things...JUST KEEP DOING THEM.
You didn't turn her against you over night...and you're not going to regain her TRUST back overnight either. Stop the chattter...stop ASKING...that's control...and she's NOT about that right now.
Keep up the good work and BE PATIENT it's a long road back. T2
I have been showing her, one of the things I've always done is clean up the kitchen after supper, but I have also started washing/drying/folding and putting away the laundry, I have cleaned all 3 bathrooms till they are spic and span, I make our bed daily (didn't always do this) I have been trying to keep our yard in good shape. All of this stuff, she says is just pissing her off. But I don't know what else to do. She says she has noticed a change in me, but she doesn't know who I am and I told her, "I am becoming the man you should have married, not the man you married" and I WILL show her. I already feel a tremendous amout of relief and peace just from talking about my pent up anger w/ a therapist and from accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and saviour and through him, thanking God. First and fore most, I am doing this for me but I would like her to be the woman to reap the rewards.
"Anyone who is among the living, has hope." (Eccl 9:4)
She just called me via cell phone to tell me that she's on call tonight so she and the kids would be staying at her mom and dads, which is the norm when she's on call (she's a BSNRN in surgery). I had already assumed that she would be staying at her mom and dads anyway, so why call me a let me know? I feel she doesn't owe me that, but I am grateful that she still has enough consideration to let me know. I really don't want to make her feel like she has to "report" to me because I think that is one of the reasons she feels the way she does now, my therapist says that due to my first wife leaving me for another man, that I was fearful of my second wife leaving me and I held on so tightly to her that I squeezed the life out of her. I just called her and told her that I'M staying late at work, for 4 hours (I'm an process operator at a chemical plant) because I don'twant her to think that I'm out screwing around because I can't even think about another woman right now. I didn't tell her that last part, just tellin yall.
"Anyone who is among the living, has hope." (Eccl 9:4)
You sound an awful lot like my H..but, you see it and are working on changing it, my H is basically lost right now and I have also turned to God. Which has been my lifesaver. I am praying for my H like I never have before, because inside my H is a man who doesn't know how to change, I think that he wants too, but doesn't quite now how to do that, feels hopeless and hasn't discovered God yet.
I hope that someday he will recognize his ways and work on changing them. So I keep praying, but I'll love him either way.
Actually your husband does sound a lot like the way I was. My biggest problem was admiting that I had a problem and then finding help. I tried to ignore the troubles in my marriage and hope that they would go away. Meanwhile in the process of making my wife miserable, I was also making myself miserable and it was starting to affect my work enviroment. I finally had to face the fact that I was the one with the probelm, and not her. She is actually a wonderful woman and a great wife and mother. I on the other hand was just a worthless husband. I wanted to show her affection and show her that I loved her, but I didn't think it was "manly", I realize now that I wasn't being "manly" at all, in fact I wasn't even a man. And thats where I am now, I am learning to be a real man. I had lost sight of the fact that God made woman for man to be a help mate, a complementor and a life saver, and I was treating my wife like a posession. God knows my heart and he knows that I am his and I will honor him, and I truly trust in him to open my wifes heart again for me if it is his will.
"Anyone who is among the living, has hope." (Eccl 9:4)
I have another question. My wife has taken her wedding band off, and it is killing me. Should I continue wearing mine? Or will taking mine off be construed as a sign that I have given up hope. I try to adhere to the passage "Anyone who is among the living has hope". (Eccl 9:4).
"Anyone who is among the living, has hope." (Eccl 9:4)
