onward - 13

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Hi V - I hope that it didn't sound like I was complaining too much, or that I offended you by talking about my financial problems - truly I am grateful for what I have and know that my complaints are only based on where I would like to be, but stuck in the mud a little right now. I feel bad that I complained when - I am not starving, I have amazing kids, a warm house, some great friends and family and need nothing else.

Christmas was more like diet christmas or christmas-lite as far as decorations and presents went, but the real feelings and the meanings resurfaced once I put away my own expectations for how things should be and stayed in the moment, making fun times and making fun/memorable times RIGHT NOW as there may not be another opportunity for a while or ever.

and Ancaire, thank you so much for checking in here. I love your ideas of fun memorable times. I agree that the gifts that I remember as a kid were actually the goofy ones the most. I think the hard part of this is allowing the kids to get used to the change of what we were and how we did things compared to what we are and how we do things now. We did our best. I think my own expectations exceeded theirs.

Hi Jelly - thank you for the Christmas wishes. I hope you had a great one too - I wish santa could have sent me to NZ - kind of just want out of here and meeting you would be a perfect present.

Christmas was survivable - very lonely for the most part, but I survived and the kids are with me now for a couple days. STBX is pushing the schedule with the kids more than I would like, and I am not getting as much time with them over the break. on Christmas day they were only "allowed" to be with me for an hour which turned into a whirlwind of overwhelming activity (one hour visit in from d15, S18, S21 - GF and 4 visiting dogs to go along with my dog and new cat (d15's pet). Chaos and then empty again - I didn't mind the chaos, I just wish they could have stayed longer for everything to calm down a bit. But they had to go to back to their mother's and then Grandparents.

The way the holidays were set up this time the kids were with her on my time so I lost a couple of days with them (not that I'm keeping score - or maybe I am).

Not a word from or to STBX aside from me sending her a message today that I wanted the kids to stay with me for dinner tonight instead of our normal sunday night dinner at other parent's house. I have not seen them much and was our first opportunity for a nice sit-down dinner. I do feel a little guilty for changing the schedule, but I felt short-changed.

They will be leaving me before new year's eve too and I suspect that I am going to have a hard time with this. See - NYD is always a big celebration for our former family. It'll be my last anniversary with STBX - not that I am with her - and though I feel fully detached from her, I suppose that it will cross my mind and no kids to help diffuse those thoughts. I will likely go watch some football somewhere that day - bah.

Again I really wish to get out of here - but cannot right now. I am going to take the kids on a quick road trip in February to visit some x-family in Florida (kind of funny to think that it is my x-family but not the kid's x-family). SIL invited me and kids down and I think I will take her up on it. My BIL & SIL with their kids are something that I do not want to lose.

I have been thinking and I have hinted to the kids that I am going to disappear for a while next summer. I am planning a road/camping trip and am going to head west (may take the kids for part of the trip - or all of it if they want). Just a plan right now but I just really want to disappear.

teardrop - massive attack

Peace & Love
Chicago-10:30pm

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