Update: My father and step-mother are visiting for the holidays. I am very close to them and very glad to have their support. They have been helping me tremendously. They are wise people and have also be kind and supportive to my W, and want us both to have clarity and strength to make the right decision. I am lucky to have awesome parents who are like this!

My W has said that she is maintaining NC. I have been more on edge and have continued to tell her that I can't really trust her as long as she isn't comfortable with the idea of letting me access her communications. We have had a series of very honest and raw conversations about where we are really at and the decisions that lie ahead. I have repeatedly made it clear that I will accept her choice between me and the OM, but that I won't be with her if she continues contacting the OM. She continues to feel like her heart is with him, and she really doesn't feel anything romantic or sexual for me. However, she is very scared to lose me and the M, our home, our family, etc. She feels pretty certain that she just can't give me what I need in a W, and doubts that she would ever be able to. Our counselor has pointed out to her (as have I) that affairs, dishonesty, and childhood issues could all be reasons why she feels no attraction to me right now. If she is willing to work at it, it is possible that the attraction could come back. Although she doesn't say it, I can tell she is really doubtful about this.

My parents are staying in the guest room and so my W and I have been in the same bed again during their stay. We have negotiated a comfort zone of getting somewhat close with cuddling, but nothing sexual. She really likes it, and enjoys the closeness that she really missed while we were in separate bedrooms. However, I am finding it quite difficult to be that close because I inevitably feel attracted to her while she doesn't feel attracted to me. She is ambiguous about her intentions and sometimes I drift into denial, hoping unrealistically that I might be able to drift from platonic cuddling into more sensual cuddling. I know in my mind that it's totally unrealistic to expect her to reciprocate at this stage, but find it very hard to contain the feelings in my heart.

Today, my W and I had a conversation in which she reiterated just how uncertain she is about the chemistry between us and whether we are really right for each other at all. She agrees that she does have childhood issues that block intimacy with me and cause it to leak outside the M, but she also thinks that I just may be the wrong match for her.

I have also been having good talks with my father that are helping me to find my strength and shift more into detachment. I am realizing how I have betrayed myself throughout the entire M by suppressing my own anger in order to protect the M. There is a lot of co-dependency and I'm having moments of certainty that my W may in fact be correct that we are not a good match for each other. I'm starting to think that we might just need a lot of space from each other, maybe even a trial separation. I am finding it very difficult to detach and GAL while we are still living together in the same house. I feel like I need to really go through the grief process of "losing" her so that I can break my own deep unconscious habits of abandoning myself in order to try and hold on to her.

I spoke with her this afternoon and we discussed whether or not it's really a good idea that we are sleeping in the same bed when she only wants platonic cuddling, but I want more. I would rather keep some dignity and only be close to her when the feelings are reciprocal. So, if necessary, one of us could use a camping mattress on the floor while my parents are in the guest BR.

I am having moments recently where I see more clearly how the advice from all of you DBers might be exactly what I need to do. Take space from her so that I can recover myself, find my bearings, break the co-dependency, GAL, etc. It really does mean that I must let go of trying to influence her thinking, and that has been hard for me. We have talked a lot about the M up until now, but I feel like too much of my energy has been going into that, and it keeps hitting a dead end given that she just isn't attracted to me at all right now.

In summary, it feels like we are inching closer to separation, and it is mutual. We are also both feeling very scared about actually taking that step because it is a big deal to split the family and neither of us want to lose all that we have built together. I wonder if it is possible to put a pause on talking about the M while we just focus on working on ourselves for awhile. Is there any way to achieve the same effect as a separation while still living in the same house?? Or is this unrealistic? We have both agreed this would be a good idea, but both of us have a very hard time actually doing it.


Me: 39
W: 36
M: 8 yrs T: 10 yrs
S: 7
W started coming out with the truth: 9/26/15
W finished coming out with the truth: 11/12/15
W started sleeping in guest BR: 11/13/2015