I was not expecting to be in this state of limbo for so long. I just want stability and organization and a plan to move forward regardless of the outcome.
Brief background... Husband left 6 mos ago. We were living with family at time and fighting a lot. He says there is no other woman and I have no proof of one. He initially said he wanted space, then said he could not reconcile so I started to move on and filed for CS and then a month ago he told me he would like to try marriage counseling and dating to see if we could work torwards reconciliation. I am suspicious of timing, and he still has not initiated. I will not initiate reconciliation because feel I did my fair share of all the DB donts in the beginning and I have no intention of doing so again. Now I feel it's on him...but still nothing.
Thank you all for your much needed support and wisdom in these very trying times. These boards have kept me occupied and I know I would have made some very unwise choices if it had not been for you guys. Thank you all for sharing your experiences as well. I have learned so much.
Have you tried DB coaching? I'm finding it very helpful, and you might too at this important juncture. If he is willing to work on it, there's hope. That's good. They can help you move this along. Have you read Divorce Remedy? It's my bible these days.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
So I do feel christmas went well. Husband came by in morning and we caught up a bit. We were friendly. No anger sensed in either of us. I have missed him past few days and I am noticing that I have been less angry. (For those that haven't been keeping up,I have been consumed with anger for a long time so this is a big relief for me and I hope it's long lasting) He gained a lot of weight and I can tell he is depressed and sad. Other thing I notice is he can't even look at me when he has to give me check for CS. I don't know if he is angry or embarassed about that. I would assume it's anger.
I ended up having kids give him a couple of little gifts and a kite that they could play with him to open at their 2nd christmas the following day. He did not give me anything and told me he would make up for it on my birthday, but I told him I never give to receive and it was just for the kids to have something to give him. I didn't feel bad at all and it was not taken as pursuing.
I for one am looking forward to putting this year behind me. I need to get back to GAL and eating healthy and exercising. Like everyone else, the holidays just add for me the stress of having to buy lots of junk people don't need and having to resist delicious home baked goods. (Which I never can) the only fun part for me is the children's activities.
Great news for me. The other day I started reading again. And the topic has nothing to do with divorce or relationships. This is a big step for me, as I have been a bit obsessed with my situation and have not been able to gather interest in anything else. (I don't even watch tv or movies anymore) so I am hoping that means I'm getting my old self back.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I do have a coach, she is great but I space our conversations out because it's expensive and very little movement in our situation. She recommended being a friend first, but agreed to let him first initiate. Which he still as not! So maybe he no longer wants to?
If he still does I would actually like to have him talk to her as opposed to a MC since I no longer trust the types of MCs that we can afford. We had a bad experience with last one.
I'm just taking things one day at a time, and will reread the DR book and some others, but for now it just gets me emotional and husband and I are only really texting occasionally concerning the kids. I almost always let him text first.
I am thinking of initiating some friendly texts regarding kids and maybe some other non relationshipy stuff as well.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie, no advice really but I wanted to say hello and I am glad the anger is dissipating. I think that is a huge step.
I am glad you are reading again. I tried that about 2 months ago but I had no concentration at all. Maybe its time for me to try again. I did start watching a little tv, which I hadn't been able to do for almost 8 months.
I am glad you got through Christmas. Do you have goals for 2016? I think you should hold off on the texts, unless you make them very infrequent and have no expectations. Just my opinion.
Be well, Julie, have a great night. I wish I knew you in person, we could have a great time GAL'ing.
I don't really know what your situation is, I guess, but it seems there is still reason to hope. Especially since he suggested counseling and there's no OW. I also had a bad experience with a couples therapist. She knew about the affair 3 months before I did as it turns out, so I feel that all subsequent sessions were a sham and that I lost valuable time when maybe we could have made some progress before the A progressed to the point where my SO can't let her go. Sigh. I have my 3rd coaching session tomorrow, thankfully. I'll probably spread them out after that, too, because of the cost. I get that. I sincerely hope it all works out for you and your kids.
Here's what Fogg wrote to me on another post. "We all have been there reading one of the success stories and feel that sitch isn't as hopeless as our own. It's just the perspective of it being our own pain, our own suffering that makes it feel that way. Any sitch could be a success story and theres hope for all. There are no guarantees of R even if you follow DB so we do need to accept things may be over for good, but don't let that discourage you. With or without them if you follow the DB principles you will be a success story one way or another." I hope it helps you.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Hey Julie, just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas and a good 2016. You have been so patient with my many rants and have taken the good and thrown out the bad, and that is much appreciated. Also, while I'm glad you have some breaks from your pain and anger, I like your fire and passion. Didn't have much to say other than I'm still following and rooting you on. Take care!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
BTW, I can list six couples I know who survived either affairs or serious problems, even divorce and breakups. Sometimes they completely split and it took a couple of years and intervening rebound relationships. In one case the boxes were packed and the locks changed and the moving van was on its way and they reconciled before the truck arrived.
Gotta keep hope. And at any rate, just gotta hope that whatever happens, we'll be happy again one day. Today it's hard for me to believe it, so I'm saying it to you and maybe we'll both believe!!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Fo, I never thought it would be normal to not be able to watch T.V.! That's About the most passive activity there is out there. The book I picked up was a bargain book about historical diseases. I Love novels, but do not have the attention span for one right now. Books about diseases do tend to trigger anxiety in me, but at least that's an old obsession I am comfortable with, as opposed to the new one involving infidelity and walk away spouses!
Thanks Zues. I understand and love ranting myself
NYGal, that's an awful MC experience. I heard many of them don't take on couples when there is active affair? Ours was billing insurance illegally and ended up calling and scheduling with husband when i stopped seeing her privately despite conflicts of interest. you know what's funny? I did better mentally when I felt there was no hope.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
