Ksanti

[Vanilla]

Mutatio, I am still thinking about your disclosures relating to your father, nothing here about W this time. This post is all about you and the FOO issues.

The type of father you describe often emotionally damages their children when they dominate in this way. I struggled to see your father as a full blown abuser and this is because he maintained his family. None the less as an adult he was responsible for the choices he made, he did not ask for the feedback for his behaviour nor did he self correct for his own FOO. You have broken the cycle with your own son, that's amazing to have come this far. That of itself is success that has exceeded your own father. You have love and respect, something he does not have with his children.

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The following is an extract:

Such fathers often disregard boundaries, manipulate their children by withholding affection (until the children “perform”), and neglect to meet the needs of their children because they are interested only in meeting their own needs. Their image and perfection is essential to them; they often demand perfection from their children. The children thus feel intense pressure to be perfect and try to ramp up their talents, looks, intellect or personality to please their father. It has a high personal cost to them if they succeed in fulfilling their father’s wishes – and it can cost them just as much if they fail. Others reach a point of rebellion instead and this I think is your pattern mutatio and I can say it is the healthiest of the possible responses. It’s a no-win situation.
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So Mutatio this is absolutely standard for this family dynamic, about 3% of families suffer from one or more dominating parent with about 8% of the 3% are borderline. I am not suggesting your dad goes that far, your observations please.

I see more in the general 3% of the class of dominator.

Was he physically abusive too?

A family ruled by this type of father doesn't function properly. And if he mother simply echoes the father as she feels uncertain of herself and doesn't directly protect her children though she may soothe them (due to his emotional abuse) and is afraid to take on her husband about his behaviour. Although she may be able to deflect for daughters.

Sons of dominating fathers describe feeling that they can never measure up. Their fathers were so competitive they even compete with their sons. They can alternate between competing or pay no attention to their sons. The sons often simply accept defeat – how can they possibly win against a grown man? Sometimes they take another tact and work hard to beat their father at his own game- just to get his attention and some semblance of fatherly pride. Yet they never feel good enough even when they do succeed; they still feel empty and second rate. Others like Mutatio just rebel and leave the family dynamic either mentally or physically (occasionally both).

Both girls and boys need to be loved by their fathers in order to feel validated as individuals.

There is also usually a “scapegoat” child. Dominating fathers are often mean and cruel to these children and let them know- on a regular basis- that they are deficient, unmotivated, always wrong and too soft. They are worthless to him and are blamed for everything that goes wrong. This dynamic seems to be in play in your household.

Do these characteristics apply Mutatio?

(From Children of the Self Absorbed: A Grownup’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown)

Turns every conversation to himself

Ignores the impact of his negative comments on you

Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you

Expects you to jump at his every need

Is overly involved with his own hobbies, interests or addictions ignoring your needs

Has high need for attention

Is closed minded about own mistakes.

Can’t handle criticism and gets angry to shut it off

Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants

Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings

Tells you how you should feel or not feel

Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions

Is more interested in his own concerns and interests than yours

Is unable to see things from your view other than his own

Wants to control what you do and say-tries to micromanage you

Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own

Has poor insight and cannot see the impact his selfish behavior has on you

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Unfortunately, his behaviors caused the relationships within a family to be toxic and can cause lifelong wounds especially between siblings.

You used your job and family to stand up to him.

Your parents chose to have you and did not provide an environment which nurtured you. Mutatio you parented yourself and used your FIL as your model. I think because FIL was easier to please you subjugated to him. It allowed you to stop the fight for a while, although it meant giving up self to appease.

You do not owe your parents anything and this truly is not your fault. It absolutely completely is influential in all the phases of your life. This is the prologue to the first part we talked of and explains, the subjugation then more rebellion and self destruction, followed by further appeasement and passive aggressive behaviour. These cycles have clear demarcation and sharp transitions. There are pivot events in each transition.

Fathers who behave in this way are bullying and the more you resisted the worse it got, but this Mutatio you were a child.

I think there is part of you that still says everything would have been ok if you had deferred to your father would have fulfilled more potential. It was his potential you were fulfilling. His hole in his life and it would not have helped you.

Know this it would have been worse, truly acquiescing would have given more serious problems and mimicking to appease would have left you with a damaged personality, might even (heaven forbid) made you like him!

You did the very best response Mutatio by rebelling as only a child knows how to. You were a child, this was a grown up who put you down.

I have done quite a lot of reading on trauma and transformation, mainly for my own recovery and it's fascinating. Childhood FOO is very damaging until the one damaged recognises it, then shift happens quickly. Adult trauma is harder to heal as there are fewer physiological routes to recovery.

There are a number of reasons for this, not least that the individual concerned is able to feel compassion for themselves as a child. A fascinating book is the body keeps the score by Bessel Van der Kolk. He is fast becoming my go to on trauma and recovery as he handles matters from a physiology point of view.

There are a number of things I have discovered about trauma, trauma in the safe place (home) has longer lasting damage. Trauma created by a supposed safe person adds to that because it is uncertain.

Trauma regresses the right amygdala in a child and the hormone system in adults. This can reverse very very easily.

So what can be done to heat this FOO so it has minimal impact on you as an adult?

The first thing to ask is when you remember your father and one of these incidents are you still as the child in the picture? Or as an observer?

What do you see of him, his face, body, is your mother there too?

Is he close or far away?

Is he in colour and moving towards or away from you?

Do you have a picture of yourself at about the age of your father's worst criticisms?

I am thinking about this and studying the physiology. There is no doubt the route to healing this type of FOO is partly physiological and about the right brain integration. You will want to think about nutrition and in particular vitamin B and long chain fatty acids. See said I was a nerd!

Of course Mutatio you can say nothis now V, or you are off beam, that's ok with me.

V