Anyway, thanks for the replies on what to say to my question-asking H if he should ask why I don't initiate contact, but only reply to him. That was a good one, Zues, but I'm not sure about it for me? Maybe I should just say, "I'm giving you the space you asked for"? I'm pretty sure this will come up soon.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Hi Ciluzen, just wanted to let you know I've found your new thread and have read your old one about your Christmas. It sounds like you had a lovely time, all things considered.
I personally would reply in a similar way to your own suggestion if H asks why you don't initiate contact. I'd probably say exactly that to mine!
Ciluzen - I like your response. You're just honoring his request, because you want him to understand that what he feels and says matters to you. He asked for space. You're honoring that request out of respect for him.
So, as I blurted on Inpain's thread, I'm feeling a little low.
I spent yesterday alone and spoke to my mother and my older D on the phone. No other calls or texts. Isolation can really bring on the loneliness. My D1 was excited about skiing with her dad, but possible EA/ office gal/ former "friend" (that's it, her new name is "Bubbles") was up there with her two boys and one of my favorite little girl's. H spent a lot of time with them, apparently. It bothers me.
I'll have to tell that story, about Biubbles. It is a big part of why H and I are not together. I think I'm ready to and to deal with what others have to say. I have to go to church, though, so I will wait for a while. But I need to get it out there and stop stewing about it.
Til later.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
You are being so brave and courageous through this beginning part of this odd and heartbreaking journey. We all are. There will be someone here who will have experienced something similar, or even just let us offer you support and a listening ear so you share your burden, if it is feeling like one.
Ok, here goes. The Bubbles story. Me being a victim. Then I will let it go.
H and I moved far away from friends and family and everything we were familiar with for him to take a job that sounded like a great opportunity. For the first time ever, my male in a house of males (except for his mom) whose attitude was "men and women can't be friends because the man is always thinking about getting in her pants", found himself working with 14 females in an office. Some of those ladies became our first friends here. I didn't meet people as easily, as my kids were little, I was a stay at home mom, and ...I'm pretty shy. That job for him ended with us having to get a lawyer and get out of a year long contract in 6 months.
Next job he was also given an all female staff. These ladies and their families also became our friends. His two assistants became our closest friends, especially after we moved closer to one in 2000.
One assistant, "Bubbles", and I became walking buddies and friends; especially after her child was born. We'd go for a walk, then she'd leave the baby with me and go to work with H. Her husband worked long hours and was often out of town.
She was someone who had lived in the area since she was young, so we started to become friends with her friends. A group was established. Parties, camping trips, and the annual ski trip ensued and H started out hanging with the husbands mostly. I got along with everyone and started babysitting Bubbles second baby, too. My kids were like older sisters to all of the kids in the group. One big happy family.
The group grew, but over the years, the guys that he grew closest to ended up getting divorced and moving on. A few new families were added, but H seemed happier hanging with the ladies, especially Bubbles. They had a lot in common, what with work, skiing, boating. All of her friends and family became clients, and she had a lot of friends and family.I started to feel left out of the conversations or details of activities, as the two of them planned things at work and then called people to organize. More and more often, H and Bubbles were texting and calling each other as I was trying to get my teenagers (one was having some major issues)to and from activities, school, and life.
Somewhere in here, we built our dream house...this stressed H out, but he wanted to do it.
When another person brought up their closeness to D1, she brought it up to me and I dismissed it. But now it was on my radar. I had started opting out of skiing on weekends with everyone and now I felt really left out, and jealous of the time they had together. H had also been acting very depressed around me, but refused to talk about it when I asked. This started about 8 years ago.
After a few more vacations with EVERYONE, I asked if we couldn't go someplace with just the two of us (at this point, kids were at college). H took offense. Over the next few years he scheduled convention trips with staff that I was not allowed to go on. He did encourage me to go on a trip to visit friends across country at one point, so I did.
When we found out that a house on a river up here was being auctioned off, H wanted to get it. He surprised me by saying Bubbles and her husband and his parents were already in. How much did we have in savings? I was in charge of our finances, so he didn't even know that amount.
He told me he didn't need me top go to the auction even though I thought it would be interesting. He told me I shouldn't miss work. But he took Bubbles.
3 years ago on Super Bowl Sunday my father died. I was very close to him and my mom asked that they leave him on life support til I could say goodbye. I had to fly down alone then because H had just opened his practice and didn't want to take time off. He went to a football party we were both invited to after dropping me at the airport. No one really talked to me about it when I came back. I wondered, were these my friends? I was always there to help or offer when life got them down...
Two years ago my BIL suggested H and I go to a certain conference that he thought we both would enjoy. As we got closer and closer to the date I kept asking if we were going, should I take work off? He finally told me he was just taking staff and that they were leaving on his 50th birthday.
Two weeks before it was scheduled, he told me he was staying through the weekend (our anniversary weekend)to ski. One week before he left, when I confronted him, I found that Bubbles was also staying through the weekend and would be skiing with him, but she was staying with a friend.They would be flying back together.
I spoke to him often that week and when he came back, we had our anniversary dinner. He seemed tired. I snooped in his wallet that he left on the counter on his second day back and found receipts for a $250 dollar dinner for two from Saturday night and lunch for two on Sunday. I didn't make it any further because I grabbed his wallet and threw it in his face (he was asleep in our guest bedroom- he said I snored). We fought a long time about it and he apologized over and over, so I said I'd have to make myself forget it to move on. He was all loving for awhile.
A month later I was in an accident and got a large cash payout for our demolished car. H wanted to use it on a fancy car; I wanted to get a lesser used car and pay off some debt. He had a meltdown. A few days later I came home from work on his day off and he admitted to test driving the car he wanted. I was excited for him so I said maybe we can rethink this. He said, no I agree. Maybe we can do that later. At the end of the week the saleperson from that dealership called to talk to H and asked if I was Bubbles. I gave him my name, which is similar, and he said he must have written it down wrong when I came with H. Another big blow-up by me ensued, more loving and apologies from him.
Try as I might, I could not stop fixating on the two of them as they interacted from then on. I found myself not being able to enjoy anything where she was with us, which included most warm weekends at our river house. I would watch them together, get overwhelmed by sadness and other emotions, and withdraw to our room or go for a walk. H would find me, ask what was wrong, I would try to explain, cry, he would feel bad and try to make me feel better, I'd pull it together, then come out and at some point it would all happen again. One big bitter cycle.
I have repeatedly suggested that I need to talk to her,for my own sake, as he insists that they are merely friends and that nothing beyond that has happened. She is very comfortable with everyone's husbands. Mine is not the only one she is friendly with and calls.
He spent almost the entire wedding of my D1 by Bubbles side. D1 knew all of this and deleted almost all of the photos of her dad except for him walking her down the aisle or dancing with her (or the posed ones) because they almost all had Bubbles in them. But everyone we know was there and no one else seems to care. Even her husband, though he was pretty drunk. 2 weeks later I got the ILYBINILWY talk. Sorry so long, but I needed it off my chest.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I have just read your account of 'Bubbles' and was in tears by the end of it. I'm so, so, sorry you've had to endure such treatment for so long. I'm sorry, because I know how much you love your H, but how he has behaved with this Bubbles is unacceptable! It sounds like he has carried on for years with no regard for your feelings whatsoever and you have every right to feel how you do about it.
and have read your old one about your Christmas. It sounds like you had a lovely time, all things considered.