Just read your reply to my sitch, funny, I was going to make the same comment about yours moving along so much in 1 day. 2.5 hours is a very long talk, many wouldn't be able to DB through that. I think theirs many positives in there PP. You DB'ed her and things are catching up where shes noticing your changes. Theres still work for you to do to better yourself, its a lifelong process, but its nice some of it is acknowledged. I think she still needs to work on her issues and that may be the delay in her wanting more right now. I think we both know the patience involved in this is beyond what we could ever imagine. I think its also very important to listen to them but be doubtful and try to see what they are really saying. Whats not said can also be just as important as whats said. Shes not mentioning the D so its possible shes holding back, best to leave that pressure off her. I can say I didn't do the same and its a year later and W still hasn't filed anything. The times I did put pressure on her in some other way were the times she tried to get the paperwork ready to file.
I will say its obvious she loves you, but we know these WAW's situations are not about love, they're about happiness and giving up on the M ever being able to work. I feel the same about my W at times, I think she does love me but wont admit it out loud and just wants the friendship. The A and her pride/stubbornness might play a role in that also.
As for her not believing the M can work anymore, shes basically said as much. I think shes said she sees a possibility of you two coming back together in the future but doesn't want it to effect the change that's happening for both of you right now. I think that shows me shes processing things and is very hesitant about going back to the old M, but that she hasn't given up on it completely. Its almost as if shes seeing how it plays out to be sure shes not going back to the old M.
You making these changes and being able to interact with her, where you are able to admit your faults and not react the same as the old PP is directly challenging her belief the M cant work. But again, shes guarded its real so she stays back some.
Its what we hear when we first get here, real change is the only way back. The old M is dead and there is no going back to it. Keep going down this path PP. Time will show if she can take that leap to it being real or if you two go your separate ways. Either way its win-win, just enjoy life as your going down it.
I would suggest a DB coach also if you don't have one, I know its expensive but they do help quite a but with adjusting the mind to be able to deal with how long this could possible take.
Thanks Fogg, this is really solid advice. I had a DB coach for a while, but stopped talking to him when the conversations became more on what I needed to do for myself moving forward. I know what I need to do for me and I'm doing it. I've got an entire year of travel and growth planned, as well as a business that I'm building from that year.
I agree that my WAW is sticking to her story, and her story is her perspective and not necessarily the truth - or to be fair, it's not my version of the story. She's had a few catch phrases about our relationship that she's used since she left that lets me know she hasn't really looked into the depth of the issues. I don't believe you can sum up a relationship with a catchphrase. I also know what I believed when she left is not what I believe now after DB'ing, therapy, sobriety and more.
You're right, there are positives and you're right, she's still hesitant. She let me know she's still guarded in our Woofie swaps, and I'm not sure why given that she seems so bent on D. What's to be guarded about then? The swaps have been pleasant and polite and loving. I do sense a hesitation that she feels she's going to get pulled back into the M, that may be mind reading, but it's what I feel given some of the responses she's had.
I've been thinking more and more that people split up for so many complex reasons. One of them is if one partner acts in a certain way and that way is always interpreted as negative. If I buy flowers but that's seen as covering up for a wrong, when the intention is purely out of love, that's not going to work out.
There were incidences like that in my M and I remember telling my W that it's not a good sign when gestures of love, and respect are viewed to the contrary.
I appreciate you taking the time to stop by here, I know you're still deep in it too.
Patience. Patience. And then some more patience.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
