dday, rebuilding

[Fogg]

More reflecting today. Sitting here alone this time of year stinks. Questioning myself...

Nothing wrong with questioning yourself, do it with everything to see your true motives. For instance, you mentioned dating in the last post and this one is full of dropping the rope and letting go. Do you really think its the right time to be dating or are you looking for the pain to end. Maybe a way to shock yourself into letting go? Remember there will be another person involved that could get hurt if your not ready to date and doing it for the wrong reasons.

How do I let go to the point that either W notices and comes back, or that I can move forward and not be concerned with her? Either way is a good thing... how to do it.

You GAL, you enjoy what you have and you focus on you. When you look at those questions and realize you don't need to answer them, they will have happened. It will happen when it happens and thinking about it happening wont get you any closer.

Is the fact that I stood for our M, even while she treated me like dirt a strength or a weakness. I know that it was what was right for me.

It doesn't matter if it was a weakness or strength as long as you realize it was the right thing and you learned from it.

There are many days that I wish I could just scream "I'm done" and throw down the rope and walk away. If I can do this and not shut the door, it would be perfect. But, I feel as if I am betraying my family. I know that's not the case, but it feels that way. My feeling of betrayal and the stupid amount of hope keep me tied to her. I need to drop this rope.

Stop thinking so much about this. Again, it will happen when it happens. You can do things to help this along but you cant just force it to happen because you want it too. This is mostly still your pain talking anyway, we all want to say "I'm done" thinking it will end the pain, but it wont. Being done wont end it, D wont end it, R wont even end it, only time and healing will.

W is not the woman I married now. May never be again. I see glimpses of her. (Selfishly) I am glad that others are seeing the changes in her. It reinforces the thought that it is not me that is the problem. If she was only different around me, then that would indicate it is our interactions. But, she has changed with everyone. Hopefully she will notice that and fix it. Not my monkeys, I know.

Nope, its not. Truth being told shes not going to just magically change back into the W you married either. She is going to go through a process and take some of this new persona and the good parts of the old W might come back also. I keep hope my W will find the good parts of both and get rid of the bad parts. Either way, this process will change both of you forever regardless of who you end up with.

I miss the life I had, we had. The boys. The house. Cuddling on the couch. Everything. I miss the W I knew for 10 years. I miss married life.

That life is over, grieve its loss and accept it. Theres still hope you can rebuild a new one, maybe even a much better one, but its mostly out of your control. Focus on what you cant control and leave the rest to whatever happens.

Still trying to find my way as a single, part time dad. It's awkward. Boring.

New territory, its rough but it also has some amazing things that can happen. You have a life to live with your kids right now, make it awesome.

Need to start looking at house plans again. That excited me. Truck shopping will be fun too. I get the boys back Wednesday evening. Going to watch star wars, and who knows from there.

I still need to watch Star Wars also.

Happy Sunday all!