More reflecting today. Sitting here alone this time of year stinks. Questioning myself...
How do I let go to the point that either W notices and comes back, or that I can move forward and not be concerned with her? Either way is a good thing... how to do it.
Is the fact that I stood for our M, even while she treated me like dirt a strength or a weakness. I know that it was what was right for me.
There are many days that I wish I could just scream "I'm done" and throw down the rope and walk away. If I can do this and not shut the door, it would be perfect. But, I feel as if I am betraying my family. I know that's not the case, but it feels that way. My feeling of betrayal and the stupid amount of hope keep me tied to her. I need to drop this rope.
W is not the woman I married now. May never be again. I see glimpses of her. (Selfishly) I am glad that others are seeing the changes in her. It reinforces the thought that it is not me that is the problem. If she was only different around me, then that would indicate it is our interactions. But, she has changed with everyone. Hopefully she will notice that and fix it. Not my monkeys, I know.
I miss the life I had, we had. The boys. The house. Cuddling on the couch. Everything. I miss the W I knew for 10 years. I miss married life.
Still trying to find my way as a single, part time dad. It's awkward. Boring.
Need to start looking at house plans again. That excited me. Truck shopping will be fun too. I get the boys back Wednesday evening. Going to watch star wars, and who knows from there.
Happy Sunday all!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
