I am starting to walk more. It's not much but it is something.
XW and S29 are still not talking. None of our sons saw her on Christmas.
There is something that I want to share...
This may be a lengthy post and I apologize.
I’ve discovered/realized something about myself in the last few weeks.
I’ll explain:
When I was about 10 or 11 years old, I was in my library at my elementary school. I stumbled across a book by Jacques Cousteau. I thought the book looked interesting so I checked it out. I became extremely fascinated by him and the work that he did. If you are not familiar with him, do a quick search on the internet. Basically, he was an explorer, conservationist, filmmaker, innovator, scientist, photographer, author and researcher who studied the sea and all forms of life in water. He pioneered marine conservation. Anyways, I would read this book and look at all of the pictures in it. It was a book with pictures of the ocean and the life in it with descriptions of the creatures in the pictures. I would look at the pictures in the book for hours. Eventually, I ended up doing a book report on the book. Later, I found as many books by him as I could. The whole ocean/sea life thing really fascinated me. I read many of his books.
Funny thing is: I had forgotten about all of the above until just recently.
A year or two later, the dog that I grew up with died. It was my first experience with death and I remember crying for a few days. I also remember my stepdad telling me that it was “just a dog” and telling me that I was a “p*ssy for crying over an animal.” (Yeah, I know. He was an ass.) I think it was around this time that I kind of forgot about Jacques Cousteau….or maybe just pushed him way back in my mind because I didn’t want to be a “p*ssy” for crying over animals or getting attached to them. I never thought about Mr. Cousteau or his work ever again. I don’t think I did it intentionally…it just happened.
A few weeks ago, I was on the internet looking at pictures of whales, penguins, dolphins, seals, seahorses, sea turtles…I was just looking. Then, I saw the credits on one of the pictures. It said: Jacques Cousteau. There he was. That’s when I remembered: “Hey I really used to be into this stuff.” I also remembered being in that library as a young boy and stumbling across that very first book. I couldn’t believe how I had just “forgotten” him and who I used to be. Like I said, I think I just pushed him far back into my mind because “who cries over animals” or “they’re just animals” or “don’t be a p*ssy.” I COMPLETELY forgot about him. I think I actually changed who I was because I didn’t want to be considered “weak” by my stepdad. (He was in the military for 25 years.)
A few days ago, someone asked about my FB page and wanted to know why there were all the pictures of animals on there. I really didn’t have an answer except for the fact that I like animals. Then, I went on my FB page and went back as far as I could. It was weird. You can actually see me becoming a different person. My posts went from:
Everyday stuff
to…
Everyday stuff with a few posts of my rats thrown in
to…
Posts about my rats with some everyday stuff thrown in
to….
Posts mostly about my rats
to….
Only posts about my rats
to…
Posts about my rats with some other animal stuff thrown in
to…
Animal stuff with some everyday stuff thrown in
to….
Mostly posts about animals and sea life
to…
Mostly posts about sea life.
If you look at my FB page, it is painfully obvious that I have become a different person. My XW’s crisis also changed me. It changed me A LOT. I guess the point that I am trying to make is….I think I am slowly becoming that young boy again…..someone that I lost or had forgotten about. A boy that was truly fascinated by the oceans, sea life and photos of sea life. I think about it all the time. I have a desire or maybe even a need to get back to the ocean and sea the Orcas and seals. (I grew up in Monterey and could see the ocean from my house.) I’d see sea lions sometimes eating clams while floating on a bunch of seaweed. I could feed sea gulls at my school at lunch. The smell of the ocean was always in the air. I guess what I’m trying to say is….somehow I got lost. I GOT LOST. I’m becoming the person that I was or was even maybe MEANT to be.
Has anyone else ever experienced something like this or am I going through a midlife crisis myself? I have no desire to go get a fancy sports car or drop everything and find a new life or chase a bunch of women. I’m just slowly becoming the person that I used to be. Not sure if it is good or bad, but wanted to post here and get your thoughts…
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
