Flight's Thread #2

[Flight]

Old Thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2595421&page=1

Having a bad day today. Want to detach, still being pulled in. Inconsistent goals of DB'ing and ending it.

[pinn]

Hang in there flight. I too am struggling with DB'ing vs ending it. What has been going on with you?

[Flight]

I feel like it has been one step forward, two steps back. But the trend is obvious. I see that consistency has been my problem. I vascillated between all the validation and trying to be "perfect" and offering tough love. I don't know if I ever had a chance really. I think once someone thinks they have a better option, they have trouble focusing on anything else.

I think in my W's case, she hasn't been able to really date and have sex with this person the way a lot of people's spouses here have. She put it on the back burner, hoped I would be the first to burn out, and she could feel "alive".

Every misstep I have elicits the "you haven't changed" response and a new request for sitting down and finishing the separation agreement. I have tried to move on, and am close, though I still have strong feelings for her. I suggested we sell the house, and after an initial panic, I think she probably thought that might be exiting to find her own house.

I still think she would prefer we keep the house, but on her terms that we live separate lives and are free to date and exist together only for financial reasons and to co-parent.

I am trying to find a way to keep the house myself. A small part of me wants her to stay because continuing to live together offers a chance to re-connect, for her to either have a chance to see the affair my not be her fantasy or that I am a good husband. But the bigger part of me things that is a weak, self-destructive position and that I am exposing myself to an emotionally abusive person and would be better of with her gone so I can start to heal.

How about you?

[RAI]

How are you Sorgan and Rai? I try to find you on the other threads too, but there are so many posts, that is about as overwhelming as my sitch

thanks for checking in. Don't be overwhelmed by this. We all have times when we are necessarily self-absorbed. You seem to really be in the throes of things right now, so cut yourself some slack. That said, if you ever want to reach me, just post in my thread and I can come looking for you. You can also follow certain threads.

It seems like we are in pretty similar circumstances right now. you have awoken to the reality that your WW is very selfish and will do anything to manipulate the situation to her advantage. You are not biting, so she escalates her threats. Her threats are gestures used to bend you to her will. When she sees that you will not bend, things will slow down. It feels like you are on a runaway train now, right? As soon as the wheels start rolling, though, your WW will hunker down, and your sitch will grind to a halt - or perhaps, more aptly, a stalemate. When I first got dissolution papers from my W, I was devastated and I thought that she would be relentless in her pursuit of full separation. That was more than a year ago. Ugggh. I now pray for a quicker end to this purgatory.

In-house separation is no way to live and you are right for rejecting this approach. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this.

let me know if you want to discuss further.

RAI

[sandi2]

Realistically, you can't date and share the same house. Not and stay healthy, anyway. Just that suggestion shows how she's in la-la land.

I vascillated between all the validation and trying to be "perfect" and offering tough love.

Finding balance is key, and I'm sure it is not easy.

[Flight]

I opted for getting out of this toxic situation. I have had enough of her and I don't like how I am with her here. The depression is winning and I am not moving forward in the other areas of my life I need to be healthy. Wanting someone back who has clearly shown all they want to do is hurt you, isn't worth is. I was concerned about my D, about losing the house and the life we had, but there is a better life out there.

[pinn]

Hey Flight... how are you doing? It has been a while.

[Flight]

Hi to Pinn and Question for Sandi. Just trying to get through the holidays and not get involved in her drama. Just when I think we can at least be friends, she goes crazy again. Had the nerve to tell me passive aggressively, "I feel that you are hurting... especially so since you brought this on yourself". Wow! She is still punishing me and trying to pressure me to agreeing to let her stay in the house and still projecting everthing onto me and taking no personal responsility for her choices whatsoever.

Sandi, I have read hundreds of your posts and one thing that hit home with me was you saying you couldn't even stand to be in the same room as you H. You so totally resented him. I see that a little bit of FU in affairs, there is anger at the LBS for not doing more. Maybe a bit of "see what you made me do?!" You also mentioned he was a passive nice guy and that may have lengthened your R process. What actually happened that finally allowed you to want to be in the same room as him? If you were totally done and just wanted to get away, what changed? Did it have anything to do with him and his actions, or in your case was it all you and coming to the boards and talking to people here?

[pinn]

Lil bump for my man flight. Holidays are almost over... hang in there.

Sandi, Flight has some interesting questions above.

[Flight]

Hoping all those who celebrated Christmas had a wonderful holiday. And hope Sandi checks back in to continue the thought thread above where I asked questions.