Had one of the first what I would call interesting interactions with my wife today in months. Wonder if you folks will find it interesting (not major but interesting). I haven't seen her and have had minimal contact with her for 5 months.
So after the barrage of txts yesterday about her package I get this in reference to gifts I got the nieces:
"That was nice of you to get the kids gifts. How come you didn't ask me though? Why did you ask my sister?"
I didn't know what this meant at first because I didn't ask her sister for suggestions, I already knew what I to get them. Then I remembered that I had asked her sister to make sure she didn't mind if I got them something. Since I didn't remember right away what I had asked her sister I responded with:
"huh?? I don't know I guess...
She said "I was just asking why you asked my sister and not me... I feel like you have me blocked and keep in contact with everybody else"
I said, "You are not blocked... you can get in touch with me when ever you want".
Then nothing after that. Nothing major but I found it interesting. I don't really keep in contact with everyone else. Her best friend texts me once in a while. I talk to her parents about once a month or so. I do have her blocked on social media but that is necessary. But she is not blocked from calling, texts or email. We'll see how the next few days go.
WW has become quite the little chatter box the past 3 days. I still discount most of it because it was related to her dumb package. But there are little things in there like the convo above from yesterday.
This morning she texted me again about her package. I was aggravated at first because there was no... good morning or how are you or anything... it just said "let me know if you want my parents to pick up that package of if you want to drop it off". I was going to say something like... ya know... a how are you or good morning would be nice once in a while. But I bit my tongue and cooled off a bit... and replied with "good morning! I'll drop it off later"
Not what I really wanted to say, but I think that was good. She responded with some bla bla bla... but ended with this... "Are you looking forward to your lobster dinner tonight??"
Big deal right. But this was a question to keep the convo going a bit. This was actually on my list of 'sign posts' I posted a while back. My 'sign posts' are very basic given the situation... but the first two have been hit now.
I responded with "Of course! Gotta go but I hope you have a great time at your sisters tonight. Give the girls a hug for me"
Nothing to get excited about or anything... but given my situation at least it is something.
1. I got fired 6 months, she moved out 5 months ago. She has had 5 full months to see exactly what life is without me (again btw). I have not interfered.
Is anyone enabling her to live this lifestyle outside her M? Are her parents giving her financial and emotional support?
The more support she has, and the less consequences she has........the longer it may take before she begins to yearn for her former life with you. At this time, she's experiencing what she wanted, supposedly.
I have seen couples separated two years before getting back together. It took Mr. Bond's W four years to get through her process. In comparison, 5 months isn't very long. You know how long you can continue, however, I would caution you to not place weight of a "new year" on the deciding scales.
I understand you are very tired, and emotionally worn out. Personally, I would be pretty aggravated at the whole ordeal, but let me remind you that getting D is not necessarily the medicine for what hurts you. Be sure of yourself and examine your reasons closely.
I see a lot of men who have this same mindset, so maybe it's a "man thing", IDK. They feel that they can't let go and move forward unless they get a D, or they think getting a D will make them move on.
MWD suggests you do one final step before calling it quits. She refers to it as the last resort after the LRT. To me, it is the true picture of going dark. In other words, go ahead with your life as if you will never see her again. Now, everyone has their personal opinions about dating, so you do however your beliefs dictate. Live your life as if the M is over, b/c this one is.
Some people say M is just a piece of paper. If so, then divorce is on the other side of that same piece of paper.
Anyway, just take this advice for whatever it's worth.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I doubt she is getting help financially. She can afford to be on her own. I am sure her life was more comfortable being with me, but she should be doing OK. My wife would never take money from them... not sure if WW would though (I don't think so but ya never know).
Emotionally, I mean I guess I am not sure. She is their daughter and they are not the type to question something like this. They are more of the go with the flow type. Not sure I can change anything in regards to that.
Thanks for the advice on calling it quits. It is a hard thing and I am glad I am taking my time and not doing anything on a whim. The previous history is what is making this harder. The fear of this just happening again in the future makes me want to give up. That would be a huge thing for both of us to deal with.
I remember reading about the last resort after the last resort. Maybe that would be an option. I would want to date in that phase though and I am not sure I am comfortable doing that while still technically married even though the marriage is over. Know what I mean? That is a weird one.
Given the actions of the past few days, it looks like I will sit back and watch for a bit longer. I won't be doing anything right away in the new year (though I do want to sell this house!). We'll see what happens. Thanks again
I did get a merry christmas text from my WW. Nothing major but she has contacted me for one reason or another for 4 straight days now. That has not happened since she moved out... maybe not since before BD actually, can't remember.
It is actually a weird spot to be in for me. Not sure how to react or what I should do now. I think the best thing to do is just more of the same. See if this continues and how much is just holiday related. I feel like I have handled everything really well the past four days. I have been able apply a bit of what I have been taught here finally. No questions, no pursuing, no expectations. I have not brought up an relationship issues since August or so I think. I want her to be able to talk to me without the fear of me bringing that stuff up.
Pinn, keep doing what you've been doing. The holidays bring out emotions and sentimentalism in people. The real test will be if she continues making contact when the holidays are over. I don't mean to rain on your hope! Just keep to your original plan and be patient and no expectations.
I hope you had a great Christmas, and I think it was very sweet of you to get gifts for your nieces.
Thanks fo and V. No hope to rain on.... no expectations. I doubt this continues past the holidays and I certainly will not push it but it was a nice change of pace after 5 months of nada.
That's bad expectations as well as good. So won't go past the hols is a bad expectation. We always assume no expectations means good things but it covers the whole spectrum.
It means observing, a little like David Attenburgh does with wild life.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/26/1502:45 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
oh I understand....Thanks V.... wow that is actually a tough thing to wrap my head around now that I think about it. I actually always have expectations, most of the time they side on the negative and I had been thinking that was 'no expectations' but it is clearly not.
That short post above was actually very eye opening for me. Thank you very much. This is something that I need to work on which means I am still too attached... interesting. Just let it flow, observing. I can get there.
