Well, just read your posts and it is hard to feel the pain you are feeling right now.
You and everyone on this board knows the way I write to you and that once in awhile we get into this more X rated conversations. But, I really would like that your W would get to her senses and at least try to work on her M issues, perhaps to just give it a try to see if you did not leave anything behind.
The fact that you two have children is not just an accident that goes away with time, it is forever and everyone will leave with the wounds, marks and consequences of a divorce.
I also know that even taking some responsibility for the end of the M, it is not up to you or you have no control over your W's decisions. It's up to her to chose her family or her freedom.
I hope that you do as you say and take your sweet time to really balance what is the correct step for you and for your kids at this point in time. Not too long ago, I felt this huge need to escape, go somewhere, just disappear from the face of earth, but then I also got to my senses and I understood that I was just going through another phase, just evolving.
I also decided that I will need to look for some more sessions with my IC starting next year. I can kind of accept my XWH left me, but doing so, I also noticed that I feel a lot of pain coming from rejection, humiliation, disregard, betrayal, anger, resentment, and so on.
These are the feelings left on us. We are not only dealing with the fact that we lost the spouse and that they are not there anymore, we are now dealing with the aftermath devastation of the storm.
Another thing that I notice is that yet it is amazing that we have our kids and we love them to the end of days, it is also a lot of obligations. With those faces comes a lot of noise, preparation, talk, arguments, shopping, cleaning, more talking, and sometimes it would be nice to just have a life were we come and go and have some freedom.
Yes, it seems very selfish and I do not let myself do it, but we are not free. By other hand it makes even harder because our spouses are some stupid people that just left and pretend that everyone will just move along like nothing happen.
There is where my anger comes from many times. That why should be me the one standing and being responsible and doing all what is necessary to keep this kids with a some kind a normal life? Why, why, why???
Sometimes it just feel like my head will explode.
And to make things worse, these idiots left and they are always around trying to get some kind of emotional balance from us... again Why???
I got to the conclusion that only time will make things easier for everyone and we will some day find some peace inside of us. Right now, we are still on a one day at a time deal.
RD, I feel for you, I really do. I wish non of us were here and life was a little easier. But that is just a dream and we will need to get through this time the best way we can manage.
Hope XMas is being good for you and for the kids and that you can get some rest this holiday and finish the year strong.
