[BrightFuture]

Here I am, at the vacation place, staying in a rental casita. Went to my mutual friends’ house last night to drop of some stuff for today’s dinner. We had some food and drinks, and of course the conversation. Guess what… H changed his mind. Job, you are always so right, it is scary… Sometimes I’m afraid to read your posts with predictions, LOL.

H gave a lame excuse for canceling. He said that he thought it would be a casual dinner with people scattered around the room. But, since we have to seat down at the table, he doesn’t want to do that. I don’t know what he was thinking originally, he should know better that my mutual friends always do a sit down dinner with multiple courses of food.

My male mutual friend said that he is p!ssed at H. He said that he was so hopeful that H would come over and be in my company and see for himself how much different I’m now, and what I beautiful person I’m (mutual friend’s words.)

I’ve learnt a few things from my mutual friends that make me think that H is cycling very fast right now. One minute he says one thing, then changes his mind in the next minute… He is tolerant and accepting… then he is not tolerant and very judgmental…

He was at my friends’ house for dinner after he came back from my city a couple of weeks ago. He talked about our meeting and conversation. My GF said that he told her that he was caught by surprise that I asked him to sign the papers (401K and medical saving beneficiary release forms). I think I had a “dear in the headlight” look on my face. What did he expect? Then she said he was happy about our conversation regarding the condo. My male mutual friend actually thinks that H was very happy about it... H told them that we “sorted” the things out and agreed on transitioning condo to his name. Really!!? All that happened was him mentioning what he wants, kind of (was not clear to me at all, in terms of legal course of action), and that we need to have a conversation about it in detail soon. I didn’t agree to anything. All I agreed to was that we need to have that conversation, period. So, my friends were under impression that everything is a done deal.

I’m a bit confused… I’m not sure if I understood H correctly. Or, if he understood my periodic “ok”s to what he was saying as an agreement.

There were other parts of the conversation with my mutual friends that actually were a bit saddening. My male mutual friend introduced a thought that H actually never truly loved me, because in my male friend’s mind, he would not be able to do all these hurtful things to a person he loved. But H seems to have no problems with behaving like a dbug. My male friend said that he still doesn’t understand why H’s been doing what he is doing. I guess he is not that familiar with MLC, ha. Another thing he said was that H is not the best thing that happened to me, but I’m definitely the best thing that ever happened and could happen to H, he will NOT find anybody better. This was comforting… Especially after other things that were said.

I know I could get 2x4 again… for even having this conversation again… But… I need to sort the things out for me. Sadly, after I listened to all these info, I kind of made a conclusion that H is nowhere close to finalizing things in a grown up, adult way. He is still running, and spinning, and cycling… I realized that if I need things to get moving, I have to do it myself.

What I also sensed from all of the info is that H is struggling tremendously, but keeps his happy face to everyone and keeps trying to find an external fix for his internal issues. It is like he comes closer to accepting the things, then runs away fast and hard. I feel sorry for him.

But, I can only control myself, right. So, I’m going to have fun tonight at the dinner. There are two couples coming over and they are always fun. We did a traditional Christmas drive to the mountains this morning with one of the couples who is coming for dinner tonight. The purpose of this drive is to deliver food and do some minor repairs on the house of the 95 year old man who lives there by himself with his dogs. There is normally a caravan of off-road and 4-wheel drive vehicles and people who do this every year. I like this tradition and always participate when I can.