October 11

[Bfice3]

Sandi,

Thank you for placing this here for me to read.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

I know I'm not here yet, really not even close. Well, I am okay when I'm alone. The past few weeks, when my kids are with me, I've started having this phantom pain in my abdomen constantly. And when I get with my wife, well, I start off okay, but then after some time it all goes kablooey. Though...I do think the length of time I'm doing 'okay' has gotten longer.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

This, I understand. Its just the practice of being able to do this that I'm not good at.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

I haven't had to worry about this one yet. But I can see how it will easily bring me crashing down.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)

This right here. All of this. It's not indifference. It's not pulling back out of spite. It is staying grounded in my own head, and not being affected by her...for my own sake.

I mean, I get it. I understand the concept, and the words. But again, the act, the practice, the actual doing of this...that's just...its so foreign to me. And strangely, I kind of thought of myself as independent. I wish there was a video of someone acting in a detached manner in various conversational situations.

I am learning not to yell or raise my voice. To remain calm, and speak softly. So, I think thats a step in the right direction. But as for faking it till I make it, I think I'm going to have to over-correct some early on. In other words, I shouldn't be indifferent, but I may need to act indifferent or think I'm indifferent so that I can get to the happy balanced place. What do you think?

Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself

A lot to work on here.


On part II, a lot of work for me in there also. I don't know. It's so weird. This whole things makes me feel like a failure. My self-identity is very miniscule and fragile and easily crushed. I know that this is going to take time, for me and her. I feel bad for our kids, ya know, they didn't ask for this.

I am growing. I can feel it. I don't know if its enough for her, and I suppose the point is, it shouldn't matter, the question should be, is it enough for me? I struggle too because I think I have set my goals for myself too high, almost unattainably high.

Learning how to accept myself, as I am, without beating myself up for failing at something, then picking myself right back up and going at it again, is something I truly need.

Anyway...I think I'm rambling now or something.

Thank you again Sandi, and I hope you had a great Christmas!