In the healing process you will also have to make steps, make sure you are giving the 3 hugs as well.
so,are you saying here that throughout the divorce busting keep trying to show her love is the not persuit
He said "in the healing process". Is your M in the healing process?
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The conclusion I therefore arrived at and is mho that though we will never understand them fully we should never forget to appreciate them.
So this is something that I do not quite understand
You do not have to thoroughly figure out something before you can appreciate it. I don't understand technology, but I enjoy it and appreciate it. Same for people. Women are different from men. They think differently. They are wired differently from men. You will never fully understand every little thing about your W, but you can appreciate the differences.
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]quote]Where do i want to go with this? Well as in G's case and most of us LBH here and including those who will be but dont know it yet, talk to your W. Understand she is a person as well with feelings who invested time and herself as a person into this R. Someone who gave up a part of themselves for you. Someone who needs to be cared for and loved like she had done for you for all those years. She is pure emotion and thrives on emotions and needs to know that the person she has handed her heart to has her back. We should never take it as a trophy and hang it on the wall. Being a hitech guy for those of an era much more recent than mine imagine she is your smartphone. She is with you where ever you go. Check up on her every so often to see whats up, protect her, recharge her when she is down, show her you need her and though you live your life she is an active part of it. Push the right buttons and she will do as you wish. She works in ways you do not understand and tbh it is not for you to understand neither as is it not hers to understand you either. Just know that both of you work together and do more when working together than alone.
For those of my era it is quite easy ... flowers, chocolates, dinner, perfume and acknowledging she is always right. Old school.
Oh ... and calling her whenever you are late.
Max are you saying you would do this for her after BD or before ?
If I am off track, Max can straighten it out. I read this as him telling men what is good relationship advice, and he has learned this from his own personal experience.
Ghost, it is my opinion that the LBS who is facing possible divorce, should never stop DBing as long as they are married. I think you get confused (and probably others do too) b/c you see DBing lasting until your W either tells you or gives you clear signals that she's going to stay in the M. Then everything will be okay and life returns to normal once again. I wonder if you see DBing as being a list of do's and don'ts for a period of time. Frankly, I don't know how you see DBing, b/c I am not sure you ever "got it".
If couples would live their relationship in such a way that it would bust any threat or thought of divorce..........think how the D rate would fall. Unfortunately, we don't live that way. We take our S for granted. We are selfish, self-centered, co-dependent, and lazy. In short, we stop trying. No wonder there are so many divorces!
Over the years, I have seen a lot of men come and go here, and many have a similar mindset as you, Ghost. But b/c they did whatever they did to bust their D, once the M was R, then the those men went right back to the way they were before all the problems began. So, they never "got it".
DB has different phases, so to speak. Maybe that is what throws you and why you ask if it's before or after DBing. IMHO, the LBH has to get himself straightened out....as an individual, and as a man. Then he needs to get respect from his W. And until he gets her respect, nothing else is really going to succeed very well. I think most newcomers spend more time in these two areas longer, b/c they are really tough. Know why? B/c it doesn't require her love!
You see, if your W felt the love, everything would be so much easier, wouldn't it? That is why you start spinning and say, "If she would just .........". But she doesn't, and that means you have to do it alone. Respect does not require love. Where many newcomers miss the boat is trying to win back their W's desire, without aiming for her respect, and it just won't happen in that order. Oh, there may be a few sexual HD women who will have sex a few times, and men think b/c she had sex with him it must mean she loves him......which is incorrect. When a truly desires/loves her H, it always follows the respect she has for him. When a wife loses respect and also loses the desire for her H...........that man has a challenge ahead of him, if he wants her to have it again. However, it is very possible for him to have it.. That's the thing.........it is possible, but it won't happen if you do nothing to earn her respect. Women have to, first, respect their H as a man, before she can desire him as her H. Sorry, but that is how women were made. Remember, women are not wired the same as men. So, don't expect us to be like you.
Anyway, after you top out in these two very challenging areas, then you slowly venture into further realms of the relationship. And, as you do so.........you never neglect these first two areas. You proceed and continue to work on the relationship and all its complexities. You NEVER stop DBing, unless you want to take a chance of getting divorced in the future.
As my wise grandmother told me on her golden anniversary, you never reach a place where you can stop working on it.........if you want a good MR. I was still young and foolishly thought, "After half a century and you still have to work to have a good M"? It's true. You really do!
Now, can you answer that last question you asked, or are you still confused?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
