October 11

[Bfice3]

Hello all, and Merry Christmas. Sitting here at my apartment alone. Figured I'd come on here and share in misery.

After our rollercoaster MC session, I went and did Christmas. Unknowingly (well I kinda knew it) I was on a real high after the way (I viewed it) my W saved our MC session.

I went to church an hour early and saved seats for the 5 of us. They showed up eventually. We went back to the house and had dinner all together. I was trying to focus primarily on the kids, and not think about my wife. I think I did okay. Not sure.

Kids all wanted to go to bed early and finally got everyone in bed around 9:30. She and I sat on the couch for about 30 minutes watching It's a Wonderful Life. And there I really started feeling so many feelings of desperately wanting to hold her. I resisted over and over trying to hold her hand or hug her or even mentioning it.

She showed me my bed in the spare room, and I stood there looking at her desperately hoping she would hug me. She said, "It looks like you want something from me. I'll hug you but its going to be a short one." And I shook my head no, and she immediately pulled back. I said goodnight and she went to her room.

I know she was watching tv after she went to her room. And I know she looked at facebook later that night, and again before she came down for presents.

When we were sitting on the couch watching tv I told her about how I asked our D(15) how she was doing and she replied, "I just wish you guys could work this all out." And my W replied by saying, "We might"

I cried myself to sleep.

Woke up with a modestly renewed faith in DBing. Got dressed and packed up my stuff and put it all out in the car. I had brought a card for the W. During our MC session I had this 'homework' I was supposed to do from the previous session. I was supposed to write down my ideal life and daily routine. I did, and read it out loud, and then got the news she wanted me to live for 6 months without contact and I tore it up in pieces in the session. Then after our talk, I spent about an hour taping the papers all back together. I had intended on giving them to her in the Christmas card. But I realized last night that would be a mistake. So, I didn't. I simply signed her card. (And it was a non-emotional card, nothing lovey.)

I gave her $1.50 pack of thin mints from Wal-mart. She 'and the kids' got me some 'flip-belt' fanny pack looking thing from Brookstone.

Watched the kids open their presents. Tried to smile and laugh. Then after about an hour, I hugged the kids goodbye and left.

Cried all the way home. Layed on the couch and cried. But, I got up. I've got to get up. My life has to go on, right?

I don't know if this is going to work out. Maybe its best if it doesn't. Its so hard for me to see how I'll be happier, but clearly I wasn't happy with her before. Its just damn this pain.

Anyway...the come back from Louisiana on Jan 2. I plan on no initial contact from me for that whole duration.

Also, I realized I need to create a set of boundaries for myself.

Here's a trial run at a couple I was thinking of:

1.) I don't like texting as a means of communication and thats primarily how she wants to communicate. I will respond to texts with short messages, but I'm going to wait at least 1 hour before ever responding to her texts.

2.) If she calls me, I will answer the phone every other time. Then call her back after at least 1 hour.

3.) Get rid of facebook app on my phone, and stop looking to see when she last logged in to facebook on my computer.

4.) Practice learning how to detach with love. When I do see, which will be rarely, I want to be friendly and happy, but show no signs of neediness or longing, and a willingness to leave without remorse.

5.) Practice talking happily about myself. I've been learning recently that when I speak about myself I do it often with negative overtones, and I'd like to stop doing that.

Okay...so maybe these are more like guidelines/boundaries combined, lol.

I don't know. Thank you DB forum for providing a place for me to vent. I feel a small bit better now.

Merry Christmas everyone.