Parents: help me parenting while separated (2)

[Ripe]

Thanks RD, I think I will tell STBXW exactly what you suggest, that we cannot be friends.

I can say yesterday was one of the most important days of this new life of mine.
In my previous two posts I wrote down the emotions I went through when I saw my STBXW at the disco.
I understood my reaction to STBXW’s presence came from a need to protect myself. It might not have been the most appropriate one but the one that worked for me.
I understood I am still filled with anger towards STBXW for what she did to our family. I am still too hurt.
I also realized that this anger is what is making me push for D. As a matter of fact, it is me who has been promoting and urging for the signing of the papers, who has been making the contacts with lawyers and getting all the information about the procedures to follow. I now clearly remember STBXW telling me that we didn’t need to sign any papers right now and me replying something like “no, if this is what you want this is what you’ll get.” I have to say I also feel that getting D would make everything extremely clear and allow me to move on much easier, howeverI still consider D an immoral action in which I do not believe.
On the other side, I also feel a need to protect myself financially.
STBXW is not currently working. And since she moved out I have been paying for her new flat and life away from me.
This I cannot accept.
So, how to make what I feel, what I want and what I need work?
I will no longer promote the divorce.
If STBXW really wants it there is nothing I can really do about it, but I will not actively pursue it.
On the other hand, I will propose STBXW that instead of getting D we legally separate. This is an option that my country allows, to be legally separated without ending the marriage. One consequence is that the assets are split like in the divorce, and this is exactly what I want.
Tomorrow STBXW and I have a meeting to discuss the divorce papers and agreements I sent her some days ago. Tomorrow I will tell her what I want.
Yesterday I became whole.

[Ripe]

We did not have the meeting yesterday.
STBXW was supposed to show up at my place after the kids would be asleep, that is, around 21h30.
I waited and waited. I decided to not call her.
At 22h25 she called. She told me she was not feeling well. She did not apologize for the late call. In the back I could hear her best friend, the divorced one, talking and laughing.
Why the lie?
We rescheduled the meeting for today, again after the kids are in bed.

Today S9 had a school show. I managed to leave work earlier and surprised him. He was thrilled when he saw me. STBXW was also there. We sat in opposite sides of the classroom. After the show STBXW tried to postpone the meeting. She clearly showed her annoyance to have the meeting at my place (our former home). She suggested to have it at a coffee shop. I replied it was a totally inappropriate place. The meeting was confirmed for tonight at my place.

Just 10 minutes ago STBXW called. She said that having the meeting at night was not good because both of us are usually tired by the end of the day. She suggested an afternoon of the weekend. She said we could have some babysitter taking care of the kids while we would talk. I said no, since this is my last weekend with the kids before they fly home for Christmas without me. STBXW became irritated. She said I always scheduled these meetings for when I am in the capital (I work in another town and sleep there on the days I don't have the kids with me). I did not understand the argument - am I supposed to drive 50km after work just to meet her when yesterday and today I am staying at the capital and don't need to drive the 50km on purpose just for a meeting?
She ended up accepting to come tonight.
I politely thanked her.
She ended the phone call by saying: "I am glad that you thank me, because there are a lot of thinks you don't thank me for".
I didn't see this coming and did not understand it.
I wrote some days ago that STBXW was clearly melting down and becoming as of late much nicer when talking over the phone and face to face. I don't know what happened.

[Ripe]

The meeting happened yesterday night.
STBXW came to my place. Our kids were already in bed, but S7 came and took the mother to the living room. He wanted to show her the pictures I put on the wall replacing all his drawing she took with her when she left. These pictures are portraits of me and the kids with huge smiles in our faces. W is not in any of these pictures. It’s funny that S7 had the same behavior as when I went to STBXW for the first place.
We started talking.
STBXW was upset and hurt.
She said she has been feeling some aversion and disrespect towards her. She considers offensive having arrived at the party and not being greeted by me. The same goes for my abrupt exit.
She also mentioned that another day, when I went to her building to get the kids, she was saying something about S9 and suddenly she finds herself talking to the walls because I simply left with the kids without saying goodbye.
She regrets having been together with me for 16 years and being treated this way.
She said she is very tired. She has been applying for jobs and going for interviews. After picking the kids every day from school at 3 o´clock she no longer has time for herself.
During all this time she cried. She looked very fragile and exhausted.
We then moved on to talk about our kids.
Again crying, she said it was hard for her to shed light on an non-existing relationship.
She believed, like I did, that a marriage is forever and that the path she chose will be the best for all of us.
We could keep our parental relationship because that one has always worked fine.
S9 still exhibits signs of rejection towards her. He is aggressive, rude and demanding to her.
S9 repeats some times that “you mom abandoned dad”. She said this is not true and that S9 needs to understand that our relationship did not work out and both of us contributed to that.
As to S7, she has tried to reinforce my role as the male parent.
She sometimes feels like revealing to the kids and to her family how she has felt during the marriage, because for them everything was going just fine.
She then linked that to S9 having a colleague who watches their parents fighting and arguing. At least this colleague of his knows who is right and wrong. Our kids do not because we have never argued.
S7 and S9 will have to solve their conflicts within themselves.
She no longer knows what to do because her strategies are running out.
Being in this foreign country she has no support from her family.
She does not leave this country, which she hates, since August (when she came to escape my birthday).
--- This part is really interesting. When we were together every month we would go away for a weekend abroad. Now that she is “free” she is a prisoner of the kids and of herself. She admitted that it was her fault that she would not go out; she is afraid of driving and having an accident with the car. ---
After discussing the kids we talked about the papers we have to sign to get divorced.
We analyzed the kids’ custody papers.
I proposed joint custody but with the kids having her as the main custodian since she does not work and I do. She agrees fully, but she could not understand why I had limited this agreement to the time we live abroad. She wanted to make this a permanent deal.
I explained that we would not know what would happen to us when we would go back in June, if we would even be living in the same town, so it made no sense to keep this modality operational for an unknown future.
After delving around this issue everything became clear. She basically does not trust me and is afraid that I will try to take away the kids from her the moment we return to our home country. Hence the reason why she opposed to limit it temporarily.
Five minutes later she said she did not understand why was there a clause regulating with whom the kids would spend the parents’ anniversary (the clause says the parent’s birthday has priority over the ordinary arrangements). She said it was our moral obligation to allow the kids to spend such days with the birthday parent and that there was no need to insert such clause.
I told her I agreed and that I had just used a draft from internet. I also told she was contradicting herself since she had just said she did not trust me. Such clauses were used when the tension ran high amongst the parents, making it necessary to micro-regulate every single aspect of the kids’ life.
She was crying again. In order to calm her down I had to tell her – she actually demanded hearing it from my mouth – she was the only mother of my kids and the only one I wanted for them.
It was already very late so we agreed to continue the conversation this Sunday. There was time for her to reveal some other details of her new life. She told me she only had one pair of sheets in her bed and she had to wash, dry and iron them to use them again. She did not want so spend some money on new sheets.
She obviously is living some kind of internal conflict between not working and being supported by me and at the same time being separated.
I assured her that I had never told her not to do such a thing and that since our separation I had never controlled the way she used our joint bank accounts.
I accompanied her to the gate. She had her face down. I told her: “Look at me. You’re the mother of my sons.”
Then, I hugged her and said to her ear: “You’re such a fool. I wish you all the happiness in the world and that you find happiness.”
She hugged me back and, surprisingly, in a very tight squeeze. She cried and said: “You were very important to me. I also wish you well.” We stayed like that for more than one minute or so and them she left.
She seemed to me very insecure, very tired, a shadow of the strong, secure woman I once knew.

I took some conclusions. My poor attempt of going dark, or grey since we have kids and no contacts policy is not possible, was a disaster. I only managed to act in an impolite way, not greeting her when arriving and not excusing myself when leaving.
I was rude at the party. I did not greet her and left, but this was more an irrational reaction to her surprise presence there than a conscious decision. She still makes everything about her, apparently, not considering for a moment how I must feel.
I have to think about how to approach her in the future.
Another point is that I don’t see any signs that she might be considering a reconciliation.

[Ripe]

STBXW and I just had our second meeting.
We kept addressing the custody agreement.
Discussing the amount of alimony, W said that the amounts I proposed reflected our two different perspectives: hers if focused in the past and mine in the future.
Hers considers that I should pay for everything since she left her job to come to this foreign country with the kids; mine considers that what’s over is over.
I made her express her fear: that I will take the kids away from her.
She said she is desperate to find a job; even brushing stairs would be fine with her. She said this while sobbing.
We finished the talks concerning the custody.
I then made my proposal.
I proposed for us not to get divorced but to get legally separated.
STBXW made me explain why: I said it had to do with my beliefs and values.
She sobbed copiously again.
“With divorce I end our connection and do what must be done”, she said.
“I am very tired. I am emotionally destroyed. I do not consider myself a human being. I just get up from bed to survive. For five years I tried to save our relationship.”
“I need D to get up on my feet and breathe.”
“I understand that you need more time that I do because I started this process before you.”
“I cannot feel guilty for something it is not my fault. I cannot feel guilty for what my kids are going through.”
To this last sentence I replied that she was only human, to which she said “yes, but it is too much.”
She continued.
“It´s enough. I feel on the brink of exhaustion. Where will I find the strength? Now I just what to take care of me and of my kids.”
Uau! STBXW is really a mess. I feel pity for her.
I think that right now the only thing that keeps me fighting for our M (am I really doing it??) is the kids.
STBXW is supposed to give me an answer by tomorrow.

[Fogg]

If she wants the D are you going to fight it?

Its obvious she is in a great deal of pain and feels this is the only way toward her own healing. Right or wrong, that is how she feels right now and you do have to accept that. If it were me and she said she needed the D I would tell her "I don't believe in D but I will not stand in your way if that's what you need".

Even if you do D it doesn't mean its the end, you can keep on DB'ing and find yourself. Maybe in time she can find herself and you two can make things work. Many times people need to be able to let go before they can walk back to the M and sometimes that means to D first.

Regardless, its a rough situation to be in Ripe, I hope you both can breathe soon no matter what happens.

[Ripe]

My Dear Fogg,

I told STBXW exactly that. I told her if she wants the divorce I will give it to her.
But I felt I had to make my proposal regarding the legal separation regime. I feel relived. And I was able to express my emotions without shame or embarrassment.
But I don't think W is going to accept it.
And you are right once more: she needs to find herself and to heal before she can move forward.
As for your final wishes, I think you read my soul. I also wish that for me and STBXW.

Thank you for passing by, Fogg.
See you soon.

[Ripe]

Early this morning I took my kids and SBTXW to the airport. They are flying home and spending Christmas holidays with their grandparents, W's parents.
I gave kids lots of kisses and hugs.
Was prepared to just tell STBXW "have a nice trip", but she came to me and gave me two kisses in the cheeks.
I stayed until the last possible moment waiving like a lunatic.
This is the first Christmas of a new era, the post-separation era.
I will now be alone for the next few days. Don't even have plans for Christmas Eve.

[Ripe]

Yesterday night I bought online a bouquet and ordered it to be delivered today at my MIL.
It's interesting that I had to think if I should do it or not.
I thought STBXW might not like it or might consider I was trying to "buy" MIL to side with me.
Then I put aside those thoughts.
I like very much my MIL and I know she likes me a lot.
So, the flowers are just a token of appreciation for her. STBXW was not part of this equation.

[Ancaire]

Good for you! I promise, if my MIL were still alive, I would be sending her something. I truly loved her, and miss her everyday. STBXW can like it or not. You have a right to miss the people you miss, and send them gifts if you feel like it.

It is awkward, though, isn't it? Do I, or don't I? I finally realized I'll continue R with people who like me independent of H. If he were to pass away suddenly, I would be in the same boat.

I wanted to be sure and stop by and wish you a Merry Christmas!

[Ripe]

Happy New Year, Everybody!!!!