Reality is my middle name

[123Gwen]

Merry Christmas.

I am enjoying my morning coffee. The tree is up and the girls are sleeping late. We'll go to Mass tonight.

I did not return to my FOO this year. A long story but I am seeing things for what they really are right now. I feel like a walking clique' but a friend wisely told me, "there is a reason they are called cliques'" -- LOL.

Acceptance is a powerful thing. It hurts but it is powerful and I must use that power to propel me forward. H sent the girls a holiday hallmark. Nothing else but love Dad and two gifts cards. I imagine he'll send them his usual "insert holiday here" text but they don't usually respond anymore. On the plus side H paid D's doctor bills (never asking why she went) but he needs me to sign some paperwork so I think that is most likely the reason he paid so quickly. It doesn't matter though - bill was paid.

The biggest realization for me lately has been that my father and husband really are alike in that other horror of cliques' - being narcissists. Of course we all are and it is a spectrum of behavior but I was reacting to some unhealthy patterns in a very unhealthy way for my entire life.

I can't figure out who I am because my voice was stifled for so long by the men in my life. I played a part in that because my father expected it and just when I was finding myself I married a man who is similar in temperament.

Choosing no contact for Christmas was devastating but I finally accepted that unless I was strong enough to agree with everything and bend into a pretzel Christmas contentment would not be attainable for me. I simply refuse to engage and I chose that because I finally started to value myself. My father does not understand and thinks I love him less but no I just have finally started to see clearly that I will never be loved by these men in The way I expect and deserve. Yes it makes me unbelievably sad but I have some peace because I understand it now. I accept it now. I really do accept it - not in the sense of feeling "victimized" but in the sense that I can't change it.i just have to change myself.

The girls are so wise. I have also seen that they have a voice and a strength that I never possessed. H and I worked so hard to raise them as strong, independent women. Maybe it was because H let me do all the raising. The girls say they rarely had a substantial conversation with him. On the other had they say I have way too many heavy conversations with them. I am going to try to lighten up a bit in 2016.

These girls though are awesome! Of course they'll have issues because we all do but I think they are far better equipped to deal with them than I was. They also have a strong sense of who they are and what they deserve. I am so grateful to have a front row seat to witness their lives.

Irish- you are right. I have missed nothing. Every laugh, every tear, every smile....our house is a home and the girl's bring their friends here all the time. Many of them call us their 2nd family because they know they are valued and this home is a safe harbor. Last night the girls asked if they could throw a New Year's Eve party. They are not party animals and they asked if I wanted to invited rinds too. These are truly good kids.

So I am grateful this Christmas. I am truly grateful for all of it. I just am trying desperately to find out how to quit looking over my shoulder. I guess you fake it 'till you make it. Time helps and heals. Of course there are scars but they get tougher too.

Got two little kittens. My youngest wanted something to love and it was the best decision. The three of us are enchanted. They are part of our modern family. I feel a shift towards the future this Christmas. Even our tree is different. I used ornaments my mother had at her senior living place. It turned out beautiful and kitten friendly. The collectibles are still here but I am not sure if we'll unborn them anytime soo. I threw away his Christmas stocking. I am clearing space in my head and my heart.

I usually don't believe in resolutions but I want 2016 to focus on savoring the present and building my future. I need to stay focused forward and bit by bit I feel like that is happening by choice rather than circumstance.

Merry Christmas friends. I know how incredibly hard this can be no matter what your situation. You have all inspired me during your darkest days. I have cheered for you with each little victory and cried with you when you felt lost and sad. Through your postings I have felt solidarity and empathy. Your humanity and love during your journey has given me hope. Thank you for showing me the best of humanity even in all of it's exquisite messiness. Thank you.