Informal Poll: Onset of MLC

[Irish M]

Hi Mirage

Yes I too see that my W's childhood has a huge part in her current MLC. I say current because she had a mini one 10 years ago from sept 2004 to January 2005.
Crashed and came home like nothing ever happened. Still to this day says it never happened.

After her coming back We had 10 great years until this May 2015. Now she back in MLC in a deeper way, hopefully resolving what she didn't do the first time around.

If you EXW and her sister both had it, don't you feel DNA has something to do with it? I know they had the same childhood being sisters, but not eveyone with bad childhoods go through this extreme MLC crisis. Some just change jobs, try extreme sports or go back to school.

I'm worried about my girls . D13 and D15. They don't see their Mom any more. Abandoned. How are they going to avoid having one themselves.
Hopefully my stability and that we understand what their mom is going through it will help them catch it before it goes manic.

[AJM]

Personally, I don't think it's genetic. I think it's as close to "choice" as possible. The age old question of nature vs. nurture plays a part.

My best guess is that it's nurture. i.e. The family dynamics, how they learn to cope, etc. I don't think you have to worry about your kids. They're half you, after all

AJ

[LoisB]

Irish, I think honestly facing the abandonment and recovering is key to moving on to a productive life... Check out Susan Anderson's books. They are brilliant in terms of dealing with this sort of parental abandonment. I've given my daughters some of the age appropriate questions in her workbooks.

[mirage]

Irish,

You ask some good questions and have viable concerns.

My take is just my opinion. I've studied MLC(since I went through one) and have read many books on the subject. Human psychology interests me greatly due to the things that have happened in my life.

I don't think it's genetic. But I think parents by there actions give their children a road map on how to handle life and the ups and downs that come with it. Understand most parents were only taught the tools they had learned or saw from their parents....but the world is constantly changing.

I'll tell you what my daughter has said to me and hopefully this gives you some comfort.

She has said occasionally " I hope I don't end up like mom" and then we have the conversation that she is lucky. She gets to see an MLC happen before her eyes. She see's how her mom has handled things and how I handle things. She see's batchit crazy versus calm, patience. She gets to see actions. WE discuss this in detail. She really gets it.

NOW......It is up to her what she decides when life starts getting tough in her later years. When the demons call. Based on the conversations we have and she is a smart girl....she understands more than she ever could.

I think your girls have learned many lessons from your actions that you do not see. You have given them tools. Don't be surprised at the things they have learned. I like their chances.

Mirage

[job]

Irish,
Mirage is correct in stating that it's not genetic. It's the way that children are raised and how they are treated by their parents and other authority figures. They were stunted emotionally at a very early age, i.e., weren't allow to state how they felt, had to hide their true feelings, no affirmation, love, and validation from their parents. The children may have been compared to another sibling that may have been a "shining star" in the family, thus, always been compared to someone who excelled in other areas, but the child who had to play second fiddle could never meet the high expectations set by another sibling, parent or authority figure.

I also agree that you have provided tools to your daughters. They are seeing how you are a calm man w/lots of patience. Your home is a stable one and that goes a long way w/children. They know that you love them and will be there for them. Their chances of having a MLC are less than those of children who are dealt the blow of not being recognized for their accomplishments, etc.

I think you are doing a wonderful job in raising your daughters.

[BrightFuture]

It's the way that children are raised and how they are treated by their parents and other authority figures. They were stunted emotionally at a very early age, i.e., weren't allow to state how they felt, had to hide their true feelings, no affirmation, love, and validation from their parents.

Job, this is a page from my childhood. My parents were never there for me emotionally. And there was a lot of criticism (my Mom) or not caring (my Dad). My H had a very loving Mom. Not sure how his Dad was, as I met him when he was on his 3rd wife and he also came across as a very selfish man. So, why it not me who is in MLC?

[job]

Bright,
Why not you? I think it's because you learned how to cope and found ways to make things work for you. You've learned how to face your issues, resolve them and move on to the next issue/situation at hand. In other words, you grew up and learned how to deal w/life, accepted responsibility and became accountable for whatever you said and/or did.

As you grew up, at each major age milestone, you faced life and dealt w/it in a responsible manner. You didn't go off the rails and act out and regress just a bit. You navigated each major age milestone in a healthy way which also helped you not to have a full blown MLC at this time.

Also, many of the MLCers have some "hidden" personality issues, i.e., passive-aggressive, conflict avoiders, etc. I don't get that impression of you. You appear to be very healthy. Again, many of the personality disorders came about in early development as a way to cope w/dramas in the home. I have a feeling you were a tough cookie as a child.

I will point out that we do have blips on the radar, i.e., very, very mild crisis situations, but those who have blips do not go out there and carry on like over charged teens. We tend to think about things and ponder what could I be doing or what I could have done in the past, but we didn't act on those ideas/feelings. That's why I call them blips. We all have those walking down memory lane thoughts, but many of us don't act on them because we grew up and faced life head on.

Bright, you grew up in a healthy way. Your h didn't.

[BrightFuture]

Job, thanks for the perspective. I think I was a tough cookie, but I also had a lot of issues that influenced a lot of mistakes I made in my M. I was working on my issues for my entire life, and I think H’s MLC sped up the process significantly. I’m curious, if not for H’s MLC, could I have my own… I think I had some kind of midlife transition about 6 years ago, but it was nothing compared to H’s.

I actually was passive-aggressive, now that I think about it... This is probably one of the biggest changes I made in myself. Good to hear that you don’t see this in me . I’m also so happy that I was able to grow and become the person I’m now. I like myself a lot better this way .

[job]

Bright,
Sounds like you navigated your midlife transition very well and didn't go off the rails. This is a very good thing because it indicates that you can cope and deal w/anything that comes your way.

I'm glad you like the person you are today. That is all that matters.