My Story.....

[PigPen]

Sorry you're here Nate, our situations are very similar with the drinking and emotional detachment. It sounds like you had a lot of work to do and are doing it.

Mr. Bond will hopefully keep chiming in with advice, but for now just breathe and realize that you're playing the long game. Double down on the work that you're doing on yourself; read books, listen to YT vids on relationships, communication, porn addiction, addiction in general, and anything and everything you can.

Read DR too, it will help.

Truly, sorry you're here. We're the same age with almost identical aged spouses, and I really can see so much of my own story in yours. We think we're doing the right thing by keeping your emotions to yourself, but in truth, we're not. It's dishonest to say that everything is fine when it isn't and it robs our spouses of the opportunity to experience us fully.

I get it, I know where you were coming from and did exactly the same. I went from a miscarriage to the bottle, to pot, to porn, to tv, to Facebook, to everything but being n the present moment. It's a vicious cycle of needing more and more to feel less and less. My heart goes out to you.

The more you're open to feeling the harder this is going to be, but the better it will be in the long run, so buckle up and let yourself experience all of it without numbing or dissociating in any way. Learn to live that way.

Are you doing anything on your own to keep busy, stay sober, and grow? I'll keep an eye out on your sitch, so feel free to ask lots of questions. The people here are both lifesavers, and teachers.

PP

[Nate W]

Hey PigPen! Thanks for the kind words and I went back and read your story...definitely some similarities there for sure. I have been watching and reading about anything I can get my hands on even some women's needs books and man I was totally clueless when it came to some of that. I have been staying busy by reconnecting with a few old friends and have met some new people. Going to church has helped me a lot which used to seem crazy to me but no matter what I'm struggling with during the week those topics tend to be what the pastor is speaking on. I have definitely opened up and shared my feelings with people I never did...it feels good!

[Nate W]

My ex texted me yesterday and asked if I was doing ok. Yesterday was 2 years since Dad passed but I wasn't expecting her to reach out. We exchanged a couple light and friendly texts and that was it. It was very good to hear from her!

[Nate W]

Happy Holidays to all you fellow DBers out there! I know this time of the year is hard when going through some of the situations we are going through. Thanks to everyone for being so kind and sharing their stories, tips and wisdom. Hang in there and may good things come our way!!!

[Nate W]

Hello everyone, I finally got the DR book and have been reading it quite a bit. I'm about 1/3 in to it and Michele is pretty awesome how she breaks it down. Hopefully I will be able to finish it in the next couple of days.

my ex has contacted me a few more times and I'm still just keeping it light and friendly. It's not very much but it definitely is progress...baby steps!

[Nate W]

Well, I am getting very close to finishing the book and it has some great things in there! Although I have learned a ton of stuff from it I'm still feeling pretty stuck in my sitch.. I stopped reaching out to her and she started reaching out to me usually to ask how I'm doing but then gets cold pretty quick after that. I always keep it friendly and cool and sometimes a little distant but alway stay positive and tell her to take care when I'm done. Her reaching out is definitely a change so I think me stopping reaching out is working but it feels like we are in a holding pattern right now .

I'm unsure where to go from here...any advice would be appreciated!

[sandi2]

I stopped reaching out to her and she started reaching out to me usually to ask how I'm doing but then gets cold pretty quick after that. I always keep it friendly and cool and sometimes a little distant but alway stay positive and tell her to take care when I'm done. Her reaching out is definitely a change so I think me stopping reaching out is working but it feels like we are in a holding pattern right now .

Her contacting you, "to see how you are doing", is not uncommon. It can come from various reasons, but at this point she is probably not considering another R with you. She probably turns immediately cold b/c she does not want you misinterpreting her concern. That is usually how women respond to keep a man at arms distance.

I know it's easy for me to say, and maybe not so easy for you to enforce. Your W wanted to end the M. She got it. The best thing you can do now is to build a life without her involved in it. And if she calls to check on you from time to time, be friendly and speak positive about your life (don't overkill as some guys tend to do). In a couple of years, when her life doesn't turn the way she thought D would bring........she may be calling more frequently. Your biggest challenge will be to let her, and keep yourself from making more out of it than it really is. Give it plenty of time.

I'm certainly not trying to get rid of you in newcomers, but was wondering if you had read any post in the section of our D members? They support each other and I bet they would be happy to talk with you about these first months you're facing. Just a thought.

[trumpet]

Nate,

Just got caught up on your sitch.

Keep the main thing the main thing - YOU!
The first M has set sail - it's gone. But if your XW thought she could fix you, she found out she couldn't. You fixed you - nice job! Keep it up. Those of us who have addictions or addictive personalities need to work on staying clean and sober daily.

It's not uncommon for people to get back together, but the new M wouldn't look like the old - you wouldn't want to be old Nate, or have a chance to slip back to old Nate, right?

In my current sitch., it took 2 months for me to realize getting the M back together was probably a year's worth of effort, if not more. And working on me was the best way to assure that happening, and not me trying to shortcut steps in the reconciliation. Right now, my W wants the D to start, and paperwork has started flowing between her and the laywers. All I can do now is be calm, confident, and get excited to see what changes are in store for me.

With your D being so fresh, what are your plans for dating?
I'm reading up on D right now, and it looks like not dating for a year is the way to go. Just curoius what your thoughts are on it.

Keep on posting!

[Nate W]

Hi Sandi, thanks for your input! Yes she wanted it and got it that is why I stopped contacting her to give her what she wanted. She actually just texted and asked how my New Years was and I just replied..it was good and left it at that. I am starting to build that life and so far so good.

I have read some posts in the D section but need to go back in to check out more

I have been reading a lot of your posts and you are pretty great..thanks again!

[Nate W]

Hey Trumpet, thanks for checking out my sitch! I am definitely glad for the changes I have made and never want to go back to the old me for sure. I have been sober for 5 months now and it feels good. The old M is dead and gone and I'm ready to play the long game and do it right. I work on me everyday and will continue to do so until I'm where I want to be.

As far as dating at first I thought I should jump into something and I did go one date but realized that's not what I wanted to do and slowed it down. I figured I won't go out looking but if I was to meet someone I will evaluate where I am at that time.

I'm going to check out your sitch too..thanks again!