New - Desperate & Confused, H won't end affair

[Sotto]

Hi Lisa, I read your post yesterday & didn't manage to reply, but you have been on my mind since then. Gosh, you have been on the rollercoaster haven't you?? It's time to end the ride my friend. H will do what he will, OW will do what she will. However, what you do and how you respond is entirely down to you. This needn't wreck your life and your wellbeing - but I do think there needs to be a big focus shift here.

So, I think there is an issue of triangulation here. The worst dynamic to have happening. Your H doesn't want to lose you. He also finds it hard too give up on OW. My guess is that status quo may continue for some time and I think you are the one who needs to change this and take charge of yourself and your own life.

You already know that H has made promises that sounded (and probably were at that moment) sincere. However, he has gone straight back to being in touch with OW. Let me tell you that while he is in touch with her in any way, shape or form - it isn't possible for you guys to rebuild things. Given all that has happened, I would suggest you lay down a firm boundary for the situation. For example - unless he has been NC with OP for 3+ months, I'm not going to consider us being together again. Otherwise, I worry that you risk cycling around again (my sitch is pretty similar, so believe me I know!)

One of the big things I learned is that I don't want a R if those are the terms. That is not how I want a M to be - and if that's what's on offer, I'll pass thanks. I've also learned that me - and how I feel about myself - and how I have acted in all of this. These are the most important things. You say that you resent having to GAL and change yourself - but please know that these things are an act of self-love.

As for demonising OW. I get this too, and I have felt more anger at her than him I think. This is starting to shift for me. I think it hurts us so much to feel that anger at our spouse and it is easier for us to feel it towards OP. But I think the great betrayal has come from him and less from her. Yes, it's on her that she was willing to become involved with a married man. But, she hardly knows you (presumably) and who knows what she has told her about you (I'm unhappy in my M etc..)

You'll notice that virtually the whole of this post is focuses on you my friend. That's the part you get to control - 100%. So, I guess my big message is - it's time to change the dynamic here. Take yourself firmly off that point on the triangle and stop being willing to engage with him, whilst he continues to engage with her. Bring down a firm and absolute boundary like a steel trap and don't move on it. Be prepared to follow through. Implement a simple equation - contact with OP = no R, friendship or contact (other than essential business matters) with me.

I think this is the way to go - a form of LRT really - until or unless there is a significant and fundamental realisation from him - I will lose Lisa if I continue as I am. Don't look for any early changes, and do forge ahead with your own life. Accept him as gone for now. You don't want him on these terms anyway, so what do you have to lose. Make some new plans just for you - things you will enjoy with friends. Take a new class, work out, meditate, journal, punch pillows. Whatever you need to do to rebalance yourself. But there is a single message to him. That's enough for me - no more. I'm taking myself out of the equation here.

I hope this helps - and I post in the MLC area of the forum BTW...just in case you want to catch up on my sitch.

Take care Sweetie xx