October 11

[Bfice3]

Alrighty then...what a weird night.

So, that marriage counseling session was completely awful. As soon I walked in I felt like something was wrong (and I admit that I pre-disposed to thinking that). My wife said that she isn't feeling anything more and wants me to start living as though she's not around at all. So, she is DBing me. I took it really really bad. The session just kept going downhill.

Then I got home and she called me. I messed up and asked her to come over. She agreed.

She came by and I got in the car and we talked. I listened to her complaining about the therapist. She said she went to him early because she didn't have an IC and she was hoping that he could give her some therapy because she wasn't feeling anymore love for me even after 2 1/2 months, and she wasn't sure how to proceed.

She said that it was the therapists idea to tell me tonight (the night before Christmas Eve) because he didn't like to keep secrets and that he felt that I would be able to suck it up for our kids and Christmas.

I told her about my IC therapist and how he admitted to being 9 years sober and then got drunk on Thanksgiving (like 3 weeks ago) and punched a dude in the face for touching his wife. Then she was going on and on about how all therapists suck, and that they don't know 'us' and that 'we' just have to fix all of this ourselves.

THEN...she...my wife...suggested that she and I just get together one day a week for an hour and talk about these things ourselves, and we can save $120 in the process!!!!

My head was on a swivel...I was like....what??!??!?!

So, calmly, very calmly, I said, yeah if you think thats a good idea, then yeah okay. And she went on to come up with the time...Sunday evenings because she hates that time and always wants to get out of the house anyways. And I was just like, yeah that works for me.

And then she came upstairs to my apartment and ate her dinner that she had with her, and we looked at old pictures I was given at my step-dad's funeral. And it was really crazy.

Afterwards, I walked her back down to the car. (At the end of the MC session our Christmas was basically just not even going to happen. I was too angry and couldn't be trusted to be in the house. I shouldn't spend the night. Maybe I wouldn't even go to mass. Maybe I show up 5am Christmas morning, maybe she brings the kids over after they open her presents at our house, and on and on...) But then, I was calm and we revisisted tomorrow. And the invitation is all back. I'm going to drop the kids off at noon (they have been with me for 4 days). Then we'll go to 4pm mass all together. Then I'll go back to the house for dinner and perhaps spend the night and wake up and do Christmas if all goes well! What a crazy crazy crazy night.

Now....

I know. Believe none of what you hear. And half of what you see. But this is a good thing. I'm accepting it as that. Nothing beyond now is promised and I know I'm still fully in DBing land. I have to GAL just like before and detach from her hard. But...maybe...if I'm lucky...when they get back from their trip to Louisiana, I might find myself meeting with my wife for an hour every week to talk. She was suggesting we each get therapy books and work on them together and it was just crazy. I know. Take it slow. SLow down. I'm still in that danger zone. She flat out told me, she thinks of me as an old friend, and she loves me, but only like a brother. I get that...and I'm not going to pursue (or at least try not to).

Anyway. I don't know guys. This was damndest night since probably my freshman year at Mardi Gras. Goodness gracious.