New - Desperate & Confused, H won't end affair

[V2pt0]

Great points, both of you. I need talk like this - I tend to lose myself in a whirlwind of thoughts until I don't know which end is up anymore.

As far as shifting blame on the OW, I have to admit that's all on me. I don't believe H has ever once even suggested that it was anyone's fault but his own. The tendency to lay any blame on her has come exclusively from me, and I don't have an delusions that she was a predator and "seduced" him, necessarily; from all I gather, it was all him, at the start anyway. I guess my need to lay blame on her is because I become outraged at his continual defending of her. I am mostly just disgusted that there are women who have no problem whatsoever getting involved with a married man. Early on he had the gall to talk about how loyal and what a "good person" she is. I suppose it just planted the seeds of my obsession to show him what an idiot he was being because she absolutely did play him for a fool and was generally a horrible person.

But whatever, as you said, she's nothing.

Ok, I misunderstood. He may have already been trying to hide a potential or active A by putting the loyalty thing in your ear. Make her a person you would not guess.

As for me, I need to work harder at GAL. I could write another book on that, but basically I'm not as good at it as I need to be. I'm a rather introverted person and before all this happened, I was pretty satisfied with my general GALness. I go to the gym regularly, I had lost over 30 lbs in the last couple of years (now over 50 lbs. - infidelity is unfortunately one of the best diets ever). I have good friends with whom I socialized on a semi-regular basis - part of a recipe group, regularly get together with a close-knit group of friends, etc. For me, that's all the GAL I wanted or required as I'm actually quite a homebody and it takes some effort for me to want to go socialize endlessly.

But back to me, I reluctantly admit I know I need to do GAL much better. I have to admit, though, that I resent that I now have to jump through hoops and basically change my personality by trying to fill my life with new things in an attempt to "prove" that I'm moving on and have a full and rich life with or without him. I thought I had that. We went out with friends, we went on vacations, I went to the gym, I met my friends, etc. I actually LIKE staying home most of the time and maybe cooking, or having friends over, or taking an online class or doing a hobby. I guess that's not good enough to make him think I'm interesting enough.

Sorry. Guess I'm having a bit of a tantrum. I really have no desire to go sign up for a class or take up yoga in addition to my gym, or join random new groups so I can look like I'm doing something. But I guess that mentality helped land me here, so....

I am worried you are missing the point with GAL. It is nothing to do with changing your personality. Quite the opposite. It is about doing things to focus on you and your happiness. It is about rediscovering YOURSELF and what YOU are passionate about. Like many of us on here, throughout your marriage, you may have lost sight of Lisa and forgot that you need to continually work on you and your own growth. How have you changed from the person that your H first married?

I know that I certainly had lost my spark and I am slowly rediscoverying the person I want to be. I had turned into a very grumpy and dumpy person. Looking back, I wouldn't want to be with me either. Maybe all of your energy has gone to taking care of the house, your kids, work, your H, etc. The goal of this is to get you to the person you want to be regardless if it is with your H or someone else. It is about getting yourself to a place that you will be ok if you and your H do not R. GAL is also about keeping busy so you are not obsessing so much about H, OW, or R. This is why this should be your focus. Yes, in the process your H might see someone he is reattracted to, but that is just a bonus and not the main goal.

Also, GAL can be much more than going to Meetups and the gym. I am by nature an introvert too. I bought adult coloring books (great stress reliever), read lots of books ( I highly recommend After the Affair, if you have not read it), done lots of cleaning, and went on long walks, etc.