Thanks, Fo.2 - I recently read something very similar a few days ago and it really helped me. Something about dealing with those feelings of losing your dignity in the face of your spouse's affair, and the point was made, just as you said, that it's not the betrayed spouse that loses their dignity, it's the spouse who is having/had the affair. That is a very helpful thought for me to remember.
And that's exactly what I need to do (or stop doing) - I'm done looking for "evidence". Yes, on the one hand it alerted me to the fact that the lying continued but I felt like scum for doing it. That's not the kind of person I am - my heart was pounding out of my chest because I was going against my own values. I don't want to be that kind of a person.
But he has shown me repeatedly that he is absolutely not trustworthy. So rather than snooping OR blindly believing him, I think I have to operate from the viewpoint that he is probably still lying, or at the very least he certainly hasn't regained my trust and won't for a very, very long time.
I understand what was said about DB not being a set of tactics so much as it is a way of conducting your life with dignity and integrity. I guess if I looked back and wondered if I would accept this kind of bad behavior from someone I was dating, I'd just step back and be gone and it would be on HIM to prove he was worthy. I don't quite know how to do that now after 22 years of marriage and two kids, but I want to figure it out. I deserve so much better than this.
