Thank you V, I know you have much on your plate and that you have taken so much time to consider my issues, I feel truly valued and cared for. A lot of love and support has come my way in recent days. I am very humbled and grateful.
I have picked out a few of your comments that resonated for me.
Who wants a long term R with a partner with low self worth? Those who have low self worth themselves? Irrespective of their weight.
This ^^^^^^ is the very question I ask myself V and one of the reasons I struggle. I feel that my self worth is judge on my appearance and any man is looking at me and saying "huh she doesn't care about herself, why should I, oh and she has to be high maintenance, she's gotta have a lot of issues" .
That is why I think you reach points in your R after a period when your weight becomes an issue for you. Your perceived weighting value to your partner changes and you focus on your weight as the defining issue.
I would like to explore this idea some more. I am not quite sure what you might be getting at. My thinking has been that the as familiarity and safety increases, there is more demand for honesty and intimacy. I begin to feel seen and exposed. I think maybe (I really don't know) that I freak out that he is really going to see how unattractive on the inside I am, how messy, how crazy, how broken and as I create issues the avoid further intimacy being created, I feel more and more broken as they lose attraction. To get control back I focus on my outward appearance and weight.
I think I stop self care and grooming as means of pushing my lovely man away. So intimacy stops. A theory V.
Childhood and adult abuse will bring us low self worth, in which extra weight can hide us. Jellyb I have never been overweight until recently, now I am 20 lbs overweight, it feels like protection. It is my grey rock, it makes me think that WH will find me unattractive and will leave me alone. My psyche says 20 lbs is enough, when I am ready it will go.
20 lbs is damaging on a tiny frame like mine, energy and health reducing but not immobilising. 80, 90, 100, 150, 200, 250 lbs as extra weight is gradually more restrictive and life shortening. Would 20 lbs satisfy Jellyb? Can she settle for a lower value of extra weight to serve her protection.
This was my story for a long time V. Men have always scared me. Good and bad men. Bad men are easier for me to understand. I understand the need to protect myself from them. I feel comfortable feeling defended, I have great strategies in place to deal with men that are evasive, avoidant, unavailable, cruel.
I can understand why a bad man would be attracted to me. They have no integrity, they use and are selfish.
Good men freak me out. I can turn them into bad men very easily. I don't understand good men. I never know their agenda. I feel unprepared to deal with them. Are they being nice to me because they are genuinely interested in me and kind or is there something else they want that is going to eventually going to hurt me.
Being on the boards has given me a really good experience of men without having to take an emotional risk. I have let go of some long held beliefs, about men always feeling control, of men not considering woman and their positions. That men are kind and have extraordinarily developed emotional lives.
I am moving away from an emotional gender divide to a more holistic view of humanity and our collective struggle of relationships and emotional complexity.
This has been good learning and healing. But I have no practical knowledge of how this changes my engagement with men.
To ask ourselves for extreme self care is not, as it requires our best not the ideal.
This extreme self care V, I think is a vital piece of healing. I believe there is a direct link here to FOO issues. I don't know what it is, but my denial of self care, the unconscious neglect of self, I feel is cycling through of parental neglect. I don't feel entitled to care, don't know how to do it. A reabusing of sorts. I have such a strong desire to be cared for and protected by the men in my life and when natural distancing occurs or separation to engage in one's special interests and life, I feel neglected and stop self care. I talk about this behaviour as my "little girl" the desire to be cared for by partner and resentment is strong when I stop feeling cared for. Self responsibility and the ability to self soothe have all been behaviours I have been developing. There is a balance required between being little girl being cared for and asking for help (a recent 180).
Thank you V, I know you have much on your plate and that you have taken so much time to consider my issues, I feel truly valued and cared for. A lot of love and support has come my way in recent days. I am very humbled and grateful.
I have picked out a few of your comments that resonated for me.
Who wants a long term R with a partner with low self worth? Those who have low self worth themselves? Irrespective of their weight.
This ^^^^^^ is the very question I ask myself V and one of the reasons I struggle. I feel that my self worth is judge on my appearance and any man is looking at me and saying "huh she doesn't care about herself, why should I, oh and she has to be high maintenance, she's gotta have a lot of issues".
OK. I am going to say there is truth in this. Of course a great deal of extra weight says "health issues" . It must do so, let's face facts obesity has intendent health issues with it. It is not the only factor though. Heavy smoking, drinking, poor hygiene, poor grooming, out of control fins, say the same. Personally I prefer a partner without any of the issues. I don't find unplesant tattoos attractive either. We consider our partners as a package. Look at the factors overall. We weigh them in the balance.
Some of these will be deal breakers and others not. So for me compulsivity is now a deal breaker, some excess weight not so important. I do need an active partner though so obesity to the point of inactivity is. It tells me that there is lack of self care.
However those who need their partners to look like a top model are also seeking external validation from others. "I need a looker on my arm" sends a different message about the one who needs that. What happens if that looker is shallow, a cheater, or has an accident. What then? Suppose they get depressed and change.
If we choose partners who look at who we are and our personalities as a mode. Then there are things which are good and bad about us. Weight is one of those factors and it's not the only one. It can be a deal breaker for some.
But yes, it would be foolish to deny the effects that weight has on image. It would also be foolish to deny that some judge others on this factor alone. It's very visible to be seriously overweight. And to be judged in this way can be unkind and says much about the one doing the judging. So now we judge the judges! They are allowed a preference is chosing their partner, that is ok.
There is truth in your view with some partners. It is faulty thinking to say all partners though, which is what you are saying. Jellyb of course there are those who think know this way and it seems as if this may be your own belief too. Your own internal critic is harder on you than others might be.
---------------------------------------------
That is why I think you reach points in your R after a period when your weight becomes an issue for you. Your perceived weighting value to your partner changes and you focus on your weight as the defining issue.
I would like to explore this idea some more. I am not quite sure what you might be getting at. My thinking has been that the as familiarity and safety increases, there is more demand for honesty and intimacy. I begin to feel seen and exposed. I think maybe (I really don't know) that I freak out that he is really going to see how unattractive on the inside I am, how messy, how crazy, how broken and as I create issues the avoid further intimacy being created, I feel more and more broken as they lose attraction. To get control back I focus on my outward appearance and weight.
I think I stop self care and grooming as means of pushing my lovely man away. So intimacy stops. A theory V.
And a good theory. I think this holds for you in part Jellyb. It's protective of you and works. We can look at this in depth. Consider the imposter syndrome which can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist even in face of information that indicates that the opposite is true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt, and feelings of intellectual fraudulence. It also applies with appearance issues too.
Some common feelings and thoughts that might characterize the impostor syndrome are: "I feel like a fake" "My classmates/professors/work colleagues/dance partnrrs etc. are going to find out I don't really belong here," "my partner made a mistake," etc.
Research at Caltech on high fly women students ledo to the following extracted from the study:
The impostor feelings can be divided into three sub categories:
1. Feeling like a fake: the belief that one does not deserve his or her success or professional position and that somehow other have been deceived into thinking otherwise. This goes together with a fear of being, "found out", discovered or "unmasked". People who feel this way would identify with statements such as: "I can give the impression that I am more competent than I really am." "I am often afraid that others will discover how much knowledge I really lack".
2. Attributing success to luck: Another aspect of the impostor syndrome is the tendency to attribute success to luck or to other external reasons and not to your own internal abilities. Someone with such feeling would refer to an achievement by saying, "I just got lucky this time" "it was a fluke" and with fear that they will not be able to succeed the next time.
3. Discounting Success: The third aspect is a tendency to downplay success and discount it. One with such feelings would discount an achievement by saying, "it is not a big deal," "it was not important." One example of this is discounting the fact that they made it here, which is really a big success. Or saying, "I did well because it is an easy class, etc." Or, you might have a hard time accepting compliments.
This applies to the things you are saying. Observe it, note it when it happens as that is interesting. Oh and look it is a recognisable thinking error. Like black and white thinking or mind reading. Thoughts don't make truths they are just thoughts. They pass. Let them pass whilst observing. Oh look there is that part of me that likes to be a chameleon, hello goodbye ms make believe imposter.
------------------------------
Childhood and adult abuse will bring us low self worth, in which extra weight can hide us. Jellyb I have never been overweight until recently, now I am 20 lbs overweight, it feels like protection. It is my grey rock, it makes me think that WH will find me unattractive and will leave me alone. My psyche says 20 lbs is enough, when I am ready it will go.
20 lbs is damaging on a tiny frame like mine, energy and health reducing but not immobilising. 80, 90, 100, 150, 200, 250 lbs as extra weight is gradually more restrictive and life shortening. Would 20 lbs satisfy Jellyb? Can she settle for a lower value of extra weight to serve her protection?
This was my story for a long time V. Men have always scared me. Good and bad men. Bad men are easier for me to understand. I understand the need to protect myself from them. I feel comfortable feeling defended, I have great strategies in place to deal with men that are evasive, avoidant, unavailable, cruel.
And so you should. Absolutely. That is great self care.
-----------------------
I can understand why a bad man would be attracted to me. They have no integrity, they use and are selfish.
These types will do this to anyone. So what!!
I might send a melange of my, ancs, GG and msd WH over for you to meet!!
And incidentally so do bad women.
Although I prefer to label the behaviour rather than the person. So those who behave badly will generally do so in all of their Rs including work Rs and friendships. It's the type and they aren't selective, you know this. Can't kid a Kidder ...
Good men freak me out. I can turn them into bad men very easily.
Oh dear! Do you really think you have this power over another? I doubt it. Even God and the devil have difficulties with self determination. Jellyb, this is faulty thinking!
I don't understand good men. I never know their agenda. I feel unprepared to deal with them. Are they being nice to me because they are genuinely interested in me and kind or is there something else they want that is going to eventually going to hurt me.
What you are saying is its hard to evaluate another's motives. I personally don't subscribe to the Venus and Mars stereotyping at all, men and women are statistically more alike than different. Many so called attribute differentiation between the sexes is statistically insignificant. We all have the same higher power. -------------------
Being on the boards has given me a really good experience of men without having to take an emotional risk. I have let go of some long held beliefs, about men always feeling control, of men not considering woman and their positions. That men are kind and have extraordinarily developed emotional lives.
I am moving away from an emotional gender divide to a more holistic view of humanity and our collective struggle of relationships and emotional complexity.
This has been good learning and healing. But I have no practical knowledge of how this changes my engagement with men.
You are an interesting and intelligent woman, eventually you will resource it and apply. Trust your higher power to guide you.
It could be you could choose more male friends. I mean friends, older, younger, gay, the wrong background, family members etc. I really mean friends!
--------------------
To ask ourselves for extreme self care is not, as it requires our best not the ideal.
This extreme self care V, I think is a vital piece of healing.
For you Jellyb absolutely vital.
I believe there is a direct link here to FOO issues. I don't know what it is, but my denial of self care, the unconscious neglect of self, I feel is cycling through of parental neglect.
Absolutely, I agree. Time to parent yourself, would you want to be 90 years old and still say "my parents neglected me and therefore I neglect myself, I am waiting for it to be different"
I don't feel entitled to care, don't know how to do it.
it is a right and obligation to do this for yourself not an entitlement.
Time to learn if you don't know how.
A reabusing of sorts.
Of yourself?. --------------------- I have such a strong desire to be cared for and protected by the men in my life and when natural distancing occurs or separation to engage in one's special interests and life, I feel neglected and stop self care.
Jellyb, your responsibility for yourself is something that you can never delegate to another.
Non dependent adults create serious issues if they delegate their self care to another. It is your responsibility to take action for this aspect of care of yourself for yourself.
It is giving away your power at best and creating unreasonable burdens for others who are "good". It attracts those who want control over others, those who put their own agenda first. Personally responsibility for someone else's wellbeing is too much for me. Got enough with my own stuff.
Romantic relationships have phases to maturity, one of those is separating and identifying ourselves as individuals in an R. This is difficult if you want another to take care of you. In that phase they are likely to want to assert themselves. ---------------------------------
I talk about this behaviour as my "little girl" the desire to be cared for by partner and resentment is strong when I stop feeling cared for.
You make others responsible for something you as an adult are responsible for and then when they as reasonable adults say "Jellyb do that for yourself". You resent them.?
As an adult saying to another is very loving " thats your job for you Jellyb, My boundary is for you to be responsible for you, and me for me".
It is very mature of partners, friends and family to say your happiness and care is your responsibility Jellyb. That is really great love, holding the individual responsible for thems elves, free to be themselves, exercise their own will.
Beware of the one who wants to take care of you. They inevitably will treat you badly in your eyes and may do so in practice. --------------------------------- Self responsibility and the ability to self soothe have all been behaviours I have been developing. There is a balance required between being little girl being cared for and asking for help (a recent 180).
Good, as it should be.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/22/1502:07 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I have looked into my library, which of my books and resources might help Jellyb with extreme self care.
Of course there is the book extreme self care, I compacted the programme to 2 months.
Louise Hay, you can heal your life is good. The exercises were valuable. Affirmations aren't enough for me though I need something more powerful such as active goals. The best resource by Louise Hay must be Loving yourself to great health through words and food which is counter authored by Louise Hay, the Kindle Edition is available for UK sterling 1.60 about us 2 dollars.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/22/1512:45 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
There is a reference I think in Bryon Katie's book "Loving What Is" or possibly it was Louise Hay's work "You can Heal your Heart", that says that for all the men that came into her life they had been her Mr Right. They came into her life for exactly the right reason at the right time.
I am beginning to think that both Mr M and Mr Ex were my Mr Rights. They did indeed come into my life at the right time, to show me different things I needed to learn about myself.
The longer I review my time with Mr Ex, the more and more I am coming to believe that he was put into my life for this very journey here. My time with him was in general quite loving and true. There was a ease and friendship about our relationship. But for all it was one sided, there were aspects of myself unfulfilled. Yip my responsiblity to have fulfilled them, but there was a lacking of passion and intensity that I had with Mr M that was absent with Mr Ex. I thought this was a good thing, I thought I moved away from a dramatic intensive addictive way of loving to something more reliable and safe. (if you have read Co-dependency No More - you may well understand what I was trying to move away from and move toward).
There must be an inbetween that would be perfect for me. I see Zues shaking his head at my use of the word perfect. The word promotes an attitude of expectation of having every aspect of a relationship and personal need fulfilled. That is not my intention in this idea. There has to a middle ground surely that would fit me to a tee.
It is likely that as I find my own middle ground another Mr Right will come my way, and teach me a whole lot more about myself. I beginning to know that there will be lot less angst and self doubt when the mirror is held up , by my loving partner.
I know some people instinctively know how to love themselves. How to live athentically in their own skin, accecpt their imperfections. I have never been one of those people. I feel that Mr M and Mr Ex were to Mr Rights how have been showing me the way to do this.
I guess what I am reflecting my gratitude to both Mr M and Mr Ex to what they have contributed to my journey to becoming my best self.
Ha. The reason I was shaking my head is not about the use of the word perfect. It has to do with the idea that everything happens for a reason so it's all good.
I'm a big Beatles fan and I'm a believer that the universe is woven of positive energy, there's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be, all of that. The balance is that I don't think that means we can recklessly destroy lifelong commitments and tear apart families and be like 'meh, it was right at the time, it's ok though, it's all one cosmic thing anyway so it's all good, ya' know maaaaannnnnn?"
So while I understand that everything is fleeting, and things that we don't necessarily like or want will happen, and when they do we must always strive to remain appreciative, and keep doing our best to improve our ability to positively impact the world around us...that doesn't change my feelings towards the acts of betrayal and abandonment.
This isn't quite what you were talking about, and it is a debate that was had a few months back over whether BD could be described as a 'gift'. So minor hijack. Bottom line, with our attitude we can make anything a gift, but it's a gift I wouldn't give my worst enemy and have no interest in receiving again in the future
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You do make me smile Zues. I can't wait till your next love kicks your ar*e and some of these ideas to the curb. .
I loved your recent post about why and how you emerse yourself in a constant replay of thought and position to work something through for yourself. Your posts on your thread have been interesting read in recent days. I'm interested to see where you are heading.
There are few little glimmers of your psyche considering that there might be someone out there to make you take a risk. I smiled to myself when I read them. You failed to answer my question the other day too btw. All in good time Zues.
JB, as I lie in bed, home sick today from work, riding the waves of the DayQuil ocean, I imagine my DB friends with me. Can't you picture it? All of us, in a boat, rocking around on orange waves, purging ourselves of our wounds, all the while drinking DayQuil out of the bottle and watching all of our problems seem to melt away like ice cubes in the sink...
GAL- Check!
Zues, you are quite the delight today. I'm wondering something. Are you are romantic at all?
JellyBxxx
JB- was this the question you were referring to?
I'm not really sure what romantic means. I'm not sure I'm naturally romantic in the sense that there might be many things that women would consider romantic that I don't, or that I wouldn't do naturally, that wouldn't interest me.
On the other hand I'm very idealistic. I would love to be in a relationship where a woman tells me what she considers to be romantic, and allows me to play make believe that I can do that for her from time to time. Shoot, I've never read a romance novel. But if my partner found them moving I'd be happy to read those she reads, maybe even to read them to her, and to quote to her or play the part from time to time...not that I'm that guy, but at least to convey that I understand her desires in some ways and I validate them and do my best to fulfill them. I truly would want nothing more than to find how to make my woman feel understood and fulfilled, whatever that means to her. And I'd give it my all. There really isn't a higher priority to me than to be the best spouse you can. When I look at what I put into pool or my job, I put in a LOT, so I can say I would give a lot to my partner as well.
That all said, there is couple of hard reality. And that is life doesn't live up to ideals. I'm sure there are days I would be tired, or distracted. There would be days I would take her for granted. And my biggest fear is that I'd be resentful of her. You see, in my M I expected my partner to treat me the way I wanted to be treated, and to do the same for me. That didn't happen. After years I grew very resentful and no longer felt it in my heart to try to be the romance novel. The problem with that is that once you go down that cycle it is just a matter of time before the M fails. So now I question, if my future partner rejected me continuously, and I felt misunderstood, unappreciated, neglected, and diminished...could I find the strength to continue to strive to be her Fabio? With no reciprocation for years or decades or possibly ever? I feel that's what a married man is supposed to do. But it is so hard. I was tested so much. I don't know for sure I could do that. I DO know I'd never leave. But to not have periods where the pain and resentment would cause me to want to distance myself...that would be hard. My best guess is that I wouldn't be perfect, but I'd do better than before, and maybe, just maybe, if I do, and I'm selective of my partner and they are trying the same thing, then maybe it will work out.
But while I understand life can't live up to ideals, I'd at least like to give my all to try, and then if I fall short I know the expression of my love will be limited only by the world we live in, and not by the depths of how deeply I feel it.
Last edited by Zues126; 12/23/1503:12 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Your thread is jam-packed with deep thoughts. What do you do to have fun?
i love that these brilliant people offer the greatest advice ever. I am so happy they can show you some paths for inner discovery. You will go far if you can follow the advice.
You also need to enjoy life, or as much of it as you can. What is it you enjoy the most?
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
JB, as I lie in bed, home sick today from work, riding the waves of the DayQuil ocean, I imagine my DB friends with me. Can't you picture it? All of us, in a boat, rocking around on orange waves, purging ourselves of our wounds, all the while drinking DayQuil out of the bottle and watching all of our problems seem to melt away like ice cubes in the sink...
GAL- Check!
Zues, you are quite the delight today. I'm wondering something. Are you are romantic at all?
JellyBxxx
JB- was this the question you were referring to?
I'm not really sure what romantic means. I'm not sure I'm naturally romantic in the sense that there might be many things that women would consider romantic that I don't, or that I wouldn't do naturally, that wouldn't interest me.
On the other hand I'm very idealistic. I would love to be in a relationship where a woman tells me what she considers to be romantic, and allows me to play make believe that I can do that for her from time to time. Shoot, I've never read a romance novel. But if my partner found them moving I'd be happy to read those she reads, maybe even to read them to her, and to quote to her or play the part from time to time...not that I'm that guy, but at least to convey that I understand her desires in some ways and I validate them and do my best to fulfill them. I truly would want nothing more than to find how to make my woman feel understood and fulfilled, whatever that means to her. And I'd give it my all. There really isn't a higher priority to me than to be the best spouse you can. When I look at what I put into pool or my job, I put in a LOT, so I can say I would give a lot to my partner as well.
That all said, there is couple of hard reality. And that is life doesn't live up to ideals. I'm sure there are days I would be tired, or distracted. There would be days I would take her for granted. And my biggest fear is that I'd be resentful of her. You see, in my M I expected my partner to treat me the way I wanted to be treated, and to do the same for me. That didn't happen. After years I grew very resentful and no longer felt it in my heart to try to be the romance novel. The problem with that is that once you go down that cycle it is just a matter of time before the M fails. So now I question, if my future partner rejected me continuously, and I felt misunderstood, unappreciated, neglected, and diminished...could I find the strength to continue to strive to be her Fabio? With no reciprocation for years or decades or possibly ever? I feel that's what a married man is supposed to do. But it is so hard. I was tested so much. I don't know for sure I could do that. I DO know I'd never leave. But to not have periods where the pain and resentment would cause me to want to distance myself...that would be hard. My best guess is that I wouldn't be perfect, but I'd do better than before, and maybe, just maybe, if I do, and I'm selective of my partner and they are trying the same thing, then maybe it will work out.
But while I understand life can't live up to ideals, I'd at least like to give my all to try, and then if I fall short I know the expression of my love will be limited only by the world we live in, and not by the depths of how deeply I feel it.
Thank you Zues for induling me with a response to my question.
I like your position on romance and idealism. Your description is all I would ever want from a partner.
I sense the balance you are trying to achieve in this with regard to your own responses, managing expectation and personal need. However what you describe above is the tension, fragility and humanity of being in an intimate and commitment relationship.
" My best guess is that I wouldn't be perfect, but I'd do better than before, and maybe, just maybe, if I do, and I'm selective of my partner and they are trying the same thing, then maybe it will work out.
But while I understand life can't live up to ideals, I'd at least like to give my all to try, and then if I fall short I know the expression of my love will be limited only by the world we live in, and not by the depths of how deeply I feel it."
Zues, you have much to give to a loving partner, the above is evidence of that.
I wonder what it would feel like for you to actually receive from a woman who knew you well and loved you and would romance you the way you would her.
Zues thank you again for answering my question.
As always much love (((Zues)))
JellybXXX
PS Maximus wrote a post on ATpeace's thread that is well worth a read. Some of it made me think of you and this question of romance and being with a woman and knowing her, loving her.
Your thread is jam-packed with deep thoughts. What do you do to have fun?
i love that these brilliant people offer the greatest advice ever. I am so happy they can show you some paths for inner discovery. You will go far if you can follow the advice.
You also need to enjoy life, or as much of it as you can. What is it you enjoy the most?
Ah lovely Mona52
This is the perfect post, I had been thinking the same for myself recently. I know my propensity to intensity and deep thinking. And I know that is stops me accessing my lighter side, which is indeed rather developed by likely under represented here on the boards.
I am not particulary light-hearted on my own thread, although I am easily able to recognise my flaws and laugh at how well constructed and absurbed some of them actually are. I am not past being able to take the p*ss out of myself. I'm not that precious. Lol
I am probably my most light-hearted and relaxed self on U-turns thread. I am probably the closest to being the real me there. V's thread brings out another aspect of myself that I don't generally share on my own thread, V's word play has me enthralled at times and her threads over the year that I have been here has brought some lightness with the exchange of tea parties and cheeeese we have indugled in.
I do however digress from your original question and observation.
I have been thinking of late that I potentially give an impression of being a complete sad sack, an intense and depressive person. I guess I don't tend to talk about my external life,because I have quite an intense internal life.
Fun is challenging for me - I don't do fun - play is very challenging for me. I find it challenging to let go. But I am a person who seeks pleasure. I'm likely a bit of hedonist - well for those that follow the stars I'm about as Taurean as you can get. Lol
A couple of weekends ago a male friend text me, early morning, like 6.45am early and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. It was the perfect morning for it. The weather was amazing, the park we walked around was beautiful, tree lined avenues, we stopped and took pictures of the sheep and cows in the park. I have a wee obsession about cows from days of riding my bicycle through the countryside. I love those moments of complete down time chilling with a person and having great conversation. We went for coffee afterwards. I love coffee, I mean really good coffee. It's a pleasure. I love the social aspect of meeting someone for exercise with the reward of coffee and a catch up at the end.
I have another friend whom we have a unexpressed agreement that we take a small driving road trip one Sunday per month. The goal is to be out of the city, and experiencing our home town as tourists. The goal is to take as many photographs as we can, with the hope that a few that are somewhat decent to post on FB for us to boast about our adventure. If we can discover a new, interesting and tasty place to eat and of course drink Coffee, then that is a bonus. Last Sunday we went to a place called Maraetai (in Maori is means a meeting place by the sea). It is quite beautiful. We walked the beach and drove the tree-lined roads. Summer in that part of Auckland is magical. Google Pohutukawa's NZ beaches and you will likely get a taste of what I mean.
I had a lovely man take me out last Sunday for drinks and dinner and he surprisingly grabbed me and gave me the most extraordinary kiss as we traveled the lift where we has parked the car. It was very nice if not a surprise.
I had a moment this week that brought PP to mind. I guy I dated in the UK when I lived there in 2004-2006, popped up a told me he always regretted not take things in more committed direction with me. He told me, he just wasn't in the right place to meet someone like me. Interesting PP. Given my comments on your thread. We have messaged back and forward a couple of times since then.
Last night I baked a Ham for Christmas Dinner at my flat. My flat mates are all foreign nationals and their urban family (their friends, other foreign nationals - NZ has been overwhelmed by the Irish) are all at my house for Christmas Dinner. The flat will be filled to overflowing. After work tonight I plan to go home and make Pavlova (a marshmellowy/merigue type dessert) that is quintessentially New Zealand. Google it and try it you will love it.
I will visit my family tomorrow and I will visit my best friend and her baby daughter, who I am a serogate aunty to. My friend is my go to person, she understands me like no one else. We don't see each other often now she has her daughter but our time together is always positive and fun. My friend is the life of any party and she lightens me completely.
I have some plans for the new year to develop my ability to have fun and play. I know it's an area of growth and development that is needed. I GAL in very small ways. I think I need to widen the net a bit more, and step out of my comfort zone. 2015 was about getting well from the depression and anxiety. I feel like I'm almost there.
2016 there will be a lot of change I feel. Watch this space Mona.
Thank you for interest and care of me. I really do appreciate you posting on my thread.
