October 11

[sandi2]

It is difficult when M to a spouse who is very different emotionally. It seems that most people M their opposites. I once heard it explained that that is what makes us complete, b/c they have what we lack......and we have what they lack.

I certainly M my opposite! And, I'll tell you that the longer I have been M.......well, it hasn't gotten easier. As you get older, you just have new problems to come.

I come from a family who was very close and we talked all the time. We talked out our problems, heartaches, joys, everything. My parents would talk after they went to bed. So, I thought talking was a main factor in a relationship.

My H came from a loving family. We have very similar backgrounds. His family like to talk, too. All, except my H. Most of my problems with him was that he wouldn't talk with me. I never felt emotionally intimate with him, and I wanted it so much. To this day, I learn more by hearing him talk to others about things he never told me. Going to bed, for him, was to have sex. After sex, he would get up to watch tv until he fell asleep. There was no pillow talk for us, and I craved it. I think it was an emotional need that was never filled. I tried and tried to tell him what I needed in order to give him what he needed. I would try to meet his needs......but he acted as if he could never understand mine.

So, yes, it is difficult when you are M to your opposite. It is difficult when you marry into a family that is very different from your own. If you are very young when you M, it is easy to lose yourself, trying to adapt to all these different people and feel that you fit in somewhere.

I have accepted that my H will not change and become the way I want him to be with me. It makes me sad b/c I still have those emotional needs. Part of loving another person is accepting them the way they are, and not try to change them. DBing is about changing ourselves in a positive way, and hopefully, it has a positive influence on our S, as well as our children. It's not easy when we see the uglies sticking out in our S! It gets very challenging. It's during those challenging times that we need to get by ourselves, or with our friends on the board, and regroup. Focus on ourself. Watch our own actions, attitudes, behavior, speech, etc. The minute I start watching my H's uglies, I get kind of ugly myself. Anyone else have that problem? I bet so.

Anyway, I may not have said much to help you today, but it helped me by just talking it out and reminding myself of a couple of things. I know neither my H or I are the people we M when we were so very young. I am sure he misses that 18 year old girl. Although I can't physically be that girl again, I can try to find the part he fell in love with. It's still there in my heart. It's just a matter of letting him see it.

I believe that's what you were doing with your daughter. You were letting her see who you were. That's good, and she will never forget that talk. Just remember something. Daughters don't need their dads to be perfect, but they do need their dads to show them they are special and loved. I have tried to encourage another dad to make a habit of checking in with his teenage D every night and just see how she's doing that day. A special time for daughter and father. Won't take much to get her to open up, and it will do wonders for the relationship.