You really do have the power to turn the day around for yourself. We all do. We can't control circumstances, but circumstances do not have to control us. I have experienced it from both sides, and it feels much better when I know my situation is not governing my emotions. I am the one who gets to decide what kind of day I have. My boss may chew me out, my H may do everything he knows irritates me, my kids may act as if they had no raising..........but only Sandi gets to call the shots on how all of this will affect me.
I will give you a little example. Some years ago we were living in a different town and were really struggling financially. We were having to charge our groceries, in order to put food on the table. Anyway, my H gets a call that his brother and family (who had holy terrors for kids) were coming for the weekend. I saw the dread on my H's face when he told me, b/c my usual reaction would not have been very nice. However, I had been reading about how a person can take a bad situation and make the most of it.....or they can make it worse. So, I decided to try it. I put a smile on my face and decided I would be warm and sweet to my H and his brother's family. I would not show frustration and I would not take it out on my H. To shorten the story, I'll just say that I actually saw my H fall a little deeper in love with me. He even told me how proud he was of me (something he hardly ever did). Isn't it strange, you would think I would have continued doing what I had saw was so successful, right?
So, I want to challenge you........and myself, to take the rest of this week and make the most of our circumstances. (We will always have circumstances as long as we live). The harder something comes at us, the more we'll be determined to turn our day into a good one.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Just left Christmas eve with my wife's family. Went well. It was really hard. She is not showing any interest, but I feel she is having doubts about a D. She is starting to open up to family members. I am not asking for info, but a few are blurting out stuff. Nothing great but a little glimmer of hope.
After this there is no reason for us to cross paths again for any time in the near future. It will only be if she initiates. When I left I had a meltdown in my truck while in traffic, but at least I can hold it back while around her and her family.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays all my people!
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Haven't been online in a few days, but just a quick update. The rest of Christmas eve was nice. I spent it with friends of mine that are like family, and then I went to midnight mass by myself. I love the music, the lights, decorations, the prayers of hope, and the late somewhat tired mood that ends in such amazing energy of the midnight mass on Christmas eve. I sat in the pew and cried many times, but I felt alive. When the mass was over, I zoned out and came out of it a half hour later and the church was empty except for just a couple people in the corners.
On Christmas day around noon, I stopped by my mother and father in law's house to wish them a Merry Christmas very briefly. The W was not supposed to be there and she was. After Christmas eve being so nice with her, she was shocked I was there, and acted very cold, after acting so wonderful the day before. I kept my attitude up, waited for the mother in law to come out, said my Merry Christmases and left smiling, and the wife did give me a hug. Christmas day I spent with 3 of 4 siblings I haven't seen in 20 years until one time last year when our father passed away. They were all wonderful, it was a nice time, but I reached a point in the afternoon where I was struggling to keep my composure, and I exited, and after a long emotional ride to my cousin's house, my cousin and I had a nice long talk. Feeling better I went to another friend's house with her family and truly felt better.
So Christmas eve was great with the W, Christmas day was terrible, but brief. Fast forward to Sunday. I left early to go visit friends I havent seen in a long time. The wife has not been back to our apartment in a month. She hasn't come for clothes, for possessions, for a visit, to see our cats who she has said she had missed terribly to someone else, nothing. Sunday morning, she calls me for the first time in awhile to tell me she was there and got some clothes, jewelery, shoes, a few personal items and to see the cats. She had no reason to call me, but there was no reason I wouldn't have been home. She was shocked on the phone I wasn't home, and was curious as to what I was up to. She sounded warm, and was really nice, and really curious. She said the apartment looked really nice (which was always a point of contention in our early days of marriage). Rather than say, " I told you I wasnt a slob" I said, "thank you." She offered one criticism, and I said thank you again, asked how she was doing, and we ended the conversation on a positive note.
This Christmas weekend was really difficult. It had some ups, had a lot of downs, but I am just glad the holidays are almost over. One more short week and 4 day weekend, then I can try and have some normalcy in my life.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
I also spoke to a friend out west. He offered me much advice in the beginning that ended up being much of the DR book's approach on detaching, GAL, improve yourself, etc.
The only thing I don't like about his approach is that he is much more lax about, hey if it doesn't work get a D and use your new skills in a new relationship. I will work on the one I have until all hope is lost, and then work on it longer. To me it is worth it.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
I had some stuff to return to my mother in law from before Christmas, and the W invited me to stay for supper. It was nice, no talk of the R, or anything like that. Just about movies, the weather, her classes, work, etc.
Said goodbye, she gave me a hug, and she went back to her schoolwork.
Her mom says to me as she is locking the door behind me, "At first she was happy you were leaving her alone and giving her space. Now she is getting aggravated you aren't calling, texting or emailing. She went to the house on Sunday to see what the heck you were up to, and the house was spotless, and you weren't there. She was floored. She even gave you crap about one little thing and you thanked her for reminding you. Keep it up."
Her mom smiled and said that she is seeing her attitude break. She said that in some way I made the W feel like she was a failure from constant criticism. The mother in law isn't judging me though.
When it came to the W's life, school, and work I thought I did a good job affirming her because I have always admired her for those things and how hard she works, and how amazing she is. The criticism I believe she is speaking of is how she handles money, and wastes food/beer/wine/$6 coffees (which is money). Her mom was lead to believe I starve the W for money, but the truth is, if I said how much our personal play money allowances are, it would cause a jaw drop. It's not a rich man's stipend by any account, but when others have told me what their allowances are for them and their spouse, it's usually 2-4 times more per month.
Anyhow, good workout today. I have a therapy appointment today, chiropractic appointment, and seeing Star Wars again in the theater. Loving this movie.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Her mom says to me as she is locking the door behind me, "At first she was happy you were leaving her alone and giving her space. Now she is getting aggravated you aren't calling, texting or emailing. She went to the house on Sunday to see what the heck you were up to, and the house was spotless, and you weren't there. She was floored. She even gave you crap about one little thing and you thanked her for reminding you. Keep it up."
This is exactly what you want, but don't spoil it by getting impatient. Think in terms of months not weeks. Become an expert in listening and validating and keep those 180s consistent.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Not a whole lot different in the last few days. I have had good moments and bad. Other than that not much else to report. Just trying to survive the holidays without the normal family element I am used to. It is so tough to not be around the people I love as we always did.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
