Several years ago, after first BD, here's what I went through:
- W confesses to multiple year cheating with one guy and agrees to NC, says she wants to stay in M and do the work
- A couple days later I find secret cellphone he gave her
- I put keystroke logger on home PC
- W agrees (again) to NC in MC as a part of rebuilding process
- Keystroke logger reveals she has been logging into his online accounts (mail, phone, victoria's secret, etc.)
- I start DB'ing...detach, leave her to her bulls--t, GAL, etc.
- I quit DB'ing gradually over time by not firmly enforcing my boundaries as we gradually enter into half-hearted reconciliation/reconnection that involves her lying and cheating multiple times (as soon as things calm down and I'm away from home more), and mainly faking being a contented W so that she can advance in her career until she is in a position where she's comfortable going out on her own. I participate in this cake-eating that goes on for 9 years.
- We're now divorced anyway.
Addicts are liars. She was also an alcoholic and lied to herself and others about that. She was addicted to her idealized relationships with other men, to the rush of endorphins, etc.
I'm not sorry I allowed her to stay because for the kids it gave them a more stable life and more opportunities and I would do that again. But I am sorry I clung to any sliver of false hope I could find because I couldn't fully let her go over the long haul.
You can't partially DB and be successful. As Yoda says, Do or do not. There is no try.
