I understand, D, how hard it is putting someone you love into a new "zone". In your case, though...you've told W constantly that you have no desire to be just her friend. You've told her how difficult it is for you to be put in that position. No matter what you tell her, she ignores you and runs her own agenda.
On the other hand, you don't want to alienate her so there is no chance of reconciliation. I believe Sotto and Mutatio both have it right. Treat her with kindness, but on a surface level. "hi" "bye" "how are you?". That's about the extent of conversation you want to have, other than discussions about the children. Resist her efforts to pull you into talking about her life, her troubles, etc.
When she starts to go there, remember something you had to do, and go somewhere else/hang up/ etc. Ideally, you will get so busy that she will have trouble getting ahold of you. You're never home, you're always talking to someone else, that kind of thing. I know this is going to be hard for you - but I also know you can do it.
I plan to start acting warm/aloof. True to my nature, but having no discussions with H. I've told him far too much already about my feelings for him. I plan to just back away entirely. I have no idea how this will work out, but I know I can't just be his friend - and I also know that unless he misses me hugely, he will never have any motivation to change.
I don't want to be taken for granted anymore. I'd rather be on my own, with friends, than in an empty marriage, with just H for company. Look how that worked out for me! I'm a nice person - and to hear him talk, the devil just released me to go cause trouble on earth! I have no idea how his vision became so skewed, but as long as it remains that way, warmly/aloof is my best bet. I say "warmly" because that's just who I am. I can be aloof - generally with people I don't care for, and he knows that.
I'll be checking in to see how everyone is handling the holidays. I can't remember, how did your time with the boys work out? When are you getting them?
