I notice there is a forum on here for "Divorced but not done". It doesn't appear to be used much. Is it best to stay on this forum with my thread? I know I sometimes ask the same questions on here. I guess I'm wondering if there is something I should be doing different or how she will ever know I will be working on myself and becoming a better person. It just seems like it has been so long since we have really seen each other. Basically since June. Only a handful of times to exchange things and in court of course. The holidays are hard time, as I'm sure you all know. Thanks Happy Holidays
Hi BoobyB. I think the newcomers section gets he most posts For me , the working on you part has to be primarily for you If your happy with the BobbyB version that you are then changing for W will not be good for you in the long run and make it almost impossible for you to keep to the changes.
If you think the improved BobbyB is the one for you then that's who you should want to be regardless of Ws views A possible upside of being the new you is W may be interested
As for how W will see these changes , then that's again sort of immaterial because they are for you.
I think we all come on here to fix our Ms and we are taught first we have to fix us
The Ms are secondary because we can't make , guilt or otherwise control anyone else. And the thing is , we can make our improvements , we can become someone only a fool would leave and still be without our partners
As a very non vet I would advise improve you for you and see what happens
I didn't realize this was going on. I honestly thought you stopped posting.
Ok, thanks for telling us about what happened. Just to let you know, there have been others who have come from different adult lifestyles. We've had swingers, people in poly relationships, big age gaps, gay, straight, etc., and they all learned one thing. The more open you are and can detail your sitch, the better it is we can help.
You concentrate alot on that act of what you did to betray your W's trust. My question is, how was her self-esteem before all this happened?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
While it is entirely up to you. I would look at giving a gift as pursuit.
I would also not do a Christmas card, it just seems too fresh. But if you really, really, really must send one, do NOT do a sappy/Mushy/etc one. Stick with the very "plain Jane" card with no personalized note.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
Mr Bond....How was her self-esteem? I would think it was good. I was always supportive and very complimentary of her. Always told her "I Love You" And that she was beautiful.
Just checking in. Holidays are hard. Thinking of what coulda/shoulda been. I'm sure we all do that. I know not to pursue my ex-wife. But it's hard not to pursue in my mind.
Just some thoughts here. So I have wondered if my ex was seeing someone yet. She had been on a dating site and I had seen her on there. Then she wasn't. Then I felt sad, maybe she had found someone. Now I see her back on....and I felt better. I know this not helping me detach.. but I miss her
I know this not helping me detach.. but I miss her
Not helping you at all I would imagine. It's getting obsessive if your mental and emotional state at any given point is determined by whether you check a dating site for her profile, and what you find there. Plus, there's no way for you to know what anything really means and you are making assumptions that end up amounting to your own fantasy about what she's doing or not doing.
I don't mean to be harsh, believe me. I signed my own D papers a couple weeks ago so I understand a bit of what you're going through. Also, my XW and I went through a phase in the past where we experimented with sexual fantasies involving other people. She had fantasies about being with 2 or 3 men at once and I 'assisted' her with that fantasy while we were having sex by talking about it and describing scenarios very explicitly. That stuff is pretty dangerous because it has the power to excite as well as create anxiety. Now, we never pursued it in real life (at least, I didn't, can't say about her) and we never took pics or sent them anywhere, but as a man I can tell you that for a while it resulted in my having obsessive thoughts about her with other men and that was a hard cycle to break but it can be broken if you're having trouble with that.
The best thing is to start doing things to help you begin letting go of your attachment to her, your disappointment, guilt, etc. You don't want to make changes to show her, you want to make changes so that you feel and function better, stronger, clearer.
It's one thing to be moving forward/on while remaining open to reconciliation should the opportunity arise. But it's quite another to dwell on that as the only route to a good and happy future for you.
I don't know if you two are compatible. Admittedly you like "adult fun" which translates into sticking it into any woman willing. She, however, does not want this. Did it out of love for you which must have been very hard on her. Have you really changed? Only you can say. If you haven't then please leave this woman alone and let her move on. If you have then ask her out for coffee during the day. That's not an official "night out" date and have ZERO expectations of anything physical. Not even a kiss. It's a first date and it's only coffee or lunch. Treat it that way. Be respectful. Be the guy she originally fell in love with. Don't be a douche bag that wants "adult fun". If you want to be that douche bag that's cool, you can find all kinds of skanks out there that love "adult fun". Go find one of them. No judgment here. If you want this decent woman back then treat her with the respect she deserves. Earn her respect and love.
t12 Not have any obsessive thoughts about fantasizes or anything like that. That will not be a problem. I agree the changes are for myself. I would never lie to her again. (that was the issue, that I did it behind her back, and I feel guilty about that). The biggest problem is that I lost her trust. And I had always considered myself trustworthy. Which I think is part of it. I have always been honest and tried to be the best person. Our relationship was really good. We were very compatible and never fought until the end. And it was me fighting to save the marriage. It is not like I needed a major overhaul of myself. It's just that I screwed up on this one issue. There are some other things that bothered her. I would always run late. And she felt she had to wait on me. Well that has been a big issue I have been correcting. That if in relationship with her or someone else, that will not be a problem. Thanks.
