V is for Vanilla 26

[Vanilla]

V, I have a question for you. I saw you mention on another thread which I can't find now, that when FOO issues are addressed there can be a sudden shift.

Mutatio thread, I believe Fo.


You know the issues with my H. His FOO issues run deep and he is in extremely deep denial, projecting all of those problems on to me. He has been in IC now for maybe 8 months? There has been some progress. I believe a lot is happening quietly as he does not talk to me.

The likelihood is that WH is still in the denial phase. FOO is a little like layers on an onion in my understanding. The first and most important realisation is to remove the skin on the onion. If that happens the individual feels very vulnerable indeed. It's unfamiliar. You can often read this on threads of those with FOO issues, there is 'leakage' with thoughts and suggestions emerging.
Sometives it is through gentle questioning that release occurs, posters have to feel safe and not judged to release and discuss their issues. They have to know they are respected, there is a great deal of shame and guilt involved.

No child is ever responsible for their ACES, although adults are responsible for recovery. This is vital Fo, absolutely it is. Your WH sounds as if he is still conditioned to behave with your ILs as if he were a child. Being out of his sitch and with low contact with MIL may help him a great deal if he continues IC. It may lead to perspective. He is certainly looking to detach from his sitch for a while or so it seems plus a real opportunity has arisen. That is shift, move away from the issues!

It is a hard journey to realisation and this has to be handled very carefully.


The most relevant to me and our M is that he has started setting some boundaries with his parents as to what he will and will not discuss re the marriage and me. Not 100% there yet, he still talks about me and gets "their side" but much less and much less spew.

It may be he realises confidentiality is needed in this. However I still think there is habit and conditioning in this. WH hasn't cut the apron strings, he may see you and MIL as a type which is why we get the cycle.

So my question, is where is this shift?

This will happen when there is acceptance of FOO. It sounds as if WH isn't there yet.


It might never happen, right?

That's possible, depends on the denial. Sometimes it happens as a result of something very small. The best strategy for you is to be absolutely neutral. If you point the stuff out WH will be defensive, if you are difficult with MIL then he can deflect to that. He won't want to acknowledge FOO.

Today we had family therapy. Only our 2nd session. Me, H and D14. The therapist told H that he had an unhealthy alliance with his parents and that set him off big time. He was so angry.

Of course it would. Your IC may have triggered that deliberately.


She picked up on it, I said very little.

That would have been my stance too. You did have D with you so her father's anger may be something she needs to address in IC.


So anyway, what is your opinion?

I am not a therapist Fo, and not in contact with your WH. So I would go with it and also discuss with your IC.

Is family therapy going to help or is she pushing him too hard? I assume there is a reason why his IC is moving so slowly, but I just don't know what to think.

If you feel it's detrimental, then say so in your next session.


We have 2 sessions scheduled next week before he leaves.


What do you think?

I would attend the next sessions, if WH won't attend then there is value in this for your D anyway. It shows to D that you make commitments and keep them. Is cuss the Vale to your family.

Also depends on what exactly your WH was angry about. If it was about discussing it, then frankly that is what these sessions are partly about. Release, anger is a released. As long as this is a completely independent FC, if WH can't accuse you of influence then seems reasonable to address this partiular elephant in the room.


I am leaning towards get it all out before he leaves, but maybe there is a reason his IC is taking it slowly?

His IC, his circus, his monkeys.

Not yours to know about.

Then again, maybe she is taking it too slowly?

He is going to IC, that of itself is a step.


What is your opinion V?

See what shakes out. Examine why WH is angry, and remember your D is part of this. It isn't all about MIL. It's about family issues not solely about MIL.
So
This isn't about MIL and resolving her issues
It isn't about WH FOO and resolving his issues
It isn't about the resolving of your M or if you D

It is the impact of these on your family. There are other elephants in the room, for instance how you as a family are going to be with WH being absent. How visits by MIL affect your family. How you as a family can suport each other. How you communicate as a family.

Your D has a voice, as do you. It is family therapy.

Anger is one emotion in the process. It's one of many hurdles, it needs jumping. How is that anger affecting the family?



These are my opinions Fo.

V