Thanks, Betsey, for the recommendations. I am looking forward to the holiday... excited to have time off from work, and lots of quality time with D(now 5!), but also a bit stressed to have her for the next week on my own. Feel like there is so much to do and no time to do it, and here I am awake at midnight. Sigh.
I've been thinking the last couple of days that I may be reaching a new place in my mindset. There is still grief, but it feels...different somehow. The holidays and my D's birthday hit me really hard this year. As I sent her off to celebrate with her father, I was struck with a really deep sadness, I think magnified by the realization that this is the new normal. I mean, I've been missing out on time with her for the last two years... but I think up until very recently I still had some hope. I think I've finally let go of that, and so there is a new level of grief to process. Does that make any sense?
On the other hand, letting go for good has helped me interact with him more positively. I've responded to a few of his recent (typically long and over-explanatory and slightly anxiety-ridden) emails with lightheartedness. Easy-breezy. I am not the same overly-anxious woman he married. Somehow it's easier to be this way when I just don't really give a F anymore what he does. Because he hasn't changed all that much in positive ways, and I want someone better than him next time round.
At least, that's where I'm at today. I'll take tomorrow as it comes.
