Husband and I have had very limited and polite and superficial interaction for a long time. Because he left, there has been no drama which is a good thing. I am mad, and rightfully so, but I also have a gift of being able to focus mainly on kids and myself. We get out and do a lot of family things which is awesome.
I have been pretty good with self care...hair, exercise, and I've become addicted to all these skin care treatments from lush. I need to get out more and socialize because I know that would help me detach. I know your not supposed to think this way, but possibilities of another man and being attractive to other men helps me to detach and perhaps let go of my anger for him.
what concerns me about husband pushing me to work full time. He did this when it was logistically impossible for me to do so because we had no child care. His response at time was "figure it out other people do it". I felt bullied. He also said we could not afford to leave my families house to work on marriage unless I worked full time. What pisses me off is that now he tells me I would be able to afford to live on my own with child support and full time work??? Completely contradictory.
Even now he keeps asking why I am not working full time. That for us to have a future I would have to return to work full time. I asked him directly, "are you saying that you do not want to reconcile unless I work full time" and he said that is not what He is saying. That it makes no sense with my degree to not work full time. He is correct in that. Now that kids are in school....
I read once in a book regarding self defense for women...your atatcker will tell you exactly what you need to do. "Don't scream"...you scream. "Don't move"...you fight. Etc
I almost want to just proceed legally, so I can just move on with my life regarding work and meeting someone new. I feel like being in this state of limbo is making me keep my life on hold.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie, I am thinking many of the same thoughts as you. I want to be pursued. My H is not mentally in a position to pursue right now though. I do get interest from other men, and its flattering, but I can't do anything about it until we are least filed for D, and I am not filling.
Right after BD my H started pushing for me to go back to work. I had issues with my daughter, then 3 kids home during the summer, so I never went back. I have been doing some job hunting in the past few months and had a couple of interviews, but so far nothing has worked out for me. I am hoping the timing will work out in January.
If I don't find a job in my previous field, I am willing to try something new.
This is a bit of a touchy subject for me because on Father's Day husband made a big deal because I gave him car wash gift certificates. He complained to therapist (who sided with him) and everyone else about it. I was just thinking that he loved his car so much and I thought it would be useful. We never gave each other extravagant gifts so I was pretty shocked that he was so upset. MIL has always appreciated any gift.
Kids are going there on Christmas for a few hours. I was invited by husband, but am not going. I really am not in mood of being around MIL who will put on pretenses. I talk to the owner of the lotto ticket store more then he bothers to talk to me, so it seems silly to spend Christmas there. I have the feeling I was invited so husband would not have to drive back and forth to pick kids up. Or perhaps because they don't want their distant cousins knowing what is going on? Ok. I should stop speculating. I don't like pretending. i really don't want to do the drive either. And feel bad that boys will have to.
I also get annoyed that husband and MIL feel like it is so important to see them on Christmas, but did not find anything wrong with walking away from family for the rest of the year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know kids are not going to want to go there even for a little. I have a big family and we basically have people around all day. to leave in the middle of the day and then come back might not go over smooth. But husband and MIL will want to see them on Christmas. For one of my sons, transitioning can be a problem. I have the feeling there is going to be crying and latching to me.... This has been happening every other weekend. My son tells me in advance "mommy hold me really tight and don't let daddy take me". And "I don't want another sleep over until 10 years"
No one ever says anything bad about husband in front of kids. And once they are there, I hear they are fine. My MIL gives the, tons of attention and my husband is very nice to them when he is present. But they tell me on phone they want to come back. It could be they are super attached to me. Maybe they fear I will leave too? Maybe they just never really had much to do with husband. I am usually the fun one, so maybe that's it? I' don't know.
Sorry if I'm disorganized and all over the place.
Last edited by JulieH; 12/23/1503:23 AM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I'm a fan in having the kids get presents for their dad. Take them out, get them excited, talk about what he likes, and help them pick out and buy fun gifts. Get them wrapped, make it an activity.
Number one, H will know you played a role, but you didn't give him anything directly. It will be from the kids, which is safe, neutral, non-invasive, and impossible to refuse.
Number two, maybe, just maybe, it will make the kids more excited to go see their dad. If you are afraid that H won't give the kids any reaction and will disappoint them you could maybe mention to H (hey, the kids worked hard to pick out presents for you and I know they're afraid you won't like them, just FYI if you can act surprised and excited I know they'd love it). If not then let the chips fall where they will.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Julie, I went back and forth on getting my wife a gift. After a few days I decided I would. I found something I liked that was inexpensive. Years ago she would have liked it, now I'm not sure she'd like anything I touch. Good Luck
Not according to my husband and MIL. They had no foresight. I mentioned that I should have been named Cassandra. I had tried to discuss this with them and was met with so much resistance, the big argument from husband being "it is better for the kids to not be around a dysfunctional marriage. I have researched this by talking to people who divorced and friends whose parents divorced"... Yeah, so work on the marriage in a way that actually works. MIL actually said "divorce is common nowadays, it's not like it used to be. Sometimes it's for the best ". Then gave me advice on how to be a better wife lol.
A big part of me wants things to be very hard for them, so they understand the true devastation of a decision that was made when we were living in a situation where we had no privacy and after some pretty stressful health crises. But I also want to make sure my kids are not traumatized.
I did do a craft project with them for dads birthday and then gave him framed photo of kids. Maybe will try the same for Christmas. I'm sure husband would give them a good reaction. He is a good father when he is with them.
I have not said anything bad about husband, but have not said anything good either. I don't want to condone his behavior because I don't want them repeating this cycle
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Not according to my husband and MIL. They had no foresight. I mentioned that I should have been named Cassandra. I had tried to discuss this with them and was met with so much resistance, the big argument from husband being "it is better for the kids to not be around a dysfunctional marriage. I have researched this by talking to people who divorced and friends whose parents divorced"... Yeah, so work on the marriage in a way that actually works. MIL actually said "divorce is common nowadays, it's not like it used to be. Sometimes it's for the best ". Then gave me advice on how to be a better wife lol.
Yeah, it's amazing how you can skew statistics to get them to support whatever you want. It reminds me of the joke about a statistician that drown in a river that was 'on average' two feet deep.
As for the bold, to me that's like telling someone who's child was killed by someone texting and driving that, 'hey, texting and driving is common, this isn't 1990 anymore, sometimes it's nice to be able to 'lol' in a timely way to a good cat meme...'. Seriously, as soon as someone says something like that I know there isn't any reason to reply, because we're so far apart, she wouldn't even be looking at the real me, she'd be looking at the me from 12 minutes ago and the light is only reaching her now.
Quote:
A big part of me wants things to be very hard for them, so they understand the true devastation of a decision that was made when we were living in a situation where we had no privacy and after some pretty stressful health crises. But I also want to make sure my kids are not traumatized.
We all share this fantasy and it surfaces periodically. The idea that someday they rue the day they destroyed their family. Just don't act on it. At least without an iron clad alibi...;)
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
" I have researched this by talking to people who divorced and friends whose parents divorced"... Yeah, so work on the marriage in a way that actually works. MIL actually said "divorce is common nowadays, it's not like it used to be. Sometimes it's for the best ". Then gave me advice on how to be a better wife lol.
So sad. I think my H's new work colleagues encouraged him that D was ok and the answer to all his problems, including OW. I think this really helped propel things last spring. There was/is an older, mother-like figure who took him under her wings. He talked about how she said D is not necessarily a bad thing and everyone could be buddy buddy post D.
I know I was the one that ultimately filed, but I still wonder sometimes if it was the best step. When I did, everyone was very encouraging and said was the best/ onIy answer. Life would be better and it would be the answer to all my problems. Not one person questioned my judgement, but then again, I was dealing with a cheater who continued to bring OW into my home against my wishes. That makes it hard to see a different way forward.
No, regardless, of who files, it still stinks and it did not have to be the answer.
Oh, and I agree that the kids should only get H present.
Last edited by BT13; 12/23/1501:10 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Same thing happened here - H was very angry that I was not working full-time. He brought up in MC how he felt all alone in the role as provider. Part of me thought it was his own distancing that made him feel alone, and that his main concern was that he wanted me to have an income so he could leave me without having to pay so much alimony. I did mention that in MC and he acted stunned.
I don't understand though - H says that since he provides, he shouldn't have to contribute anything else to the marriage... How would that work if I worked full-time as well?
Julie, more seriously - I hear your anger and sadness. I'm sorry he did this. But it also sounds like he's been trying to tell you something?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
need some help and advice with validating, and being fair in general but at the same time I don't want to bend over backwards to meet the needs of a man who left us and refuses to accept responsibility or consequences for his action. I feel like I'm the one that does the grunt work with the kids. I deserve the special holiday time with them. My family has been the providers for close to 2 years. (In those 2 years, I have no idea where husbands money went). I am saying this because I know the argument that husband does all providing and ends up getting short ended and I agree with that, but not in my case.
I also do not want to be vindictive and unfair either.
On Christmas, we have family come over all day. Obviously, I want to be the one to open presents with them in morning. Out of town relatives come early and leave early. Official party starts at 1:30 and usually consists of about 5 hrs worth of eating and playing games etc.
Husband will have very small get together starting at 1 at his moms house. The cousins coming cannot go there any other time. And will be there for '1 or 2 hrs. They live about 40 min away.
Kids are not going to want to leave me. I explained in a post above. Any ideas? How do I talk to him... I want to say so badly. " you are the one who made this decision to leave". Or " did your divorced friends and supporters that advised this, all tell you about how difficult the holidays get?
Please help before I make this worse. Husband did talk about reconciling a month ago but has not really brought it up again except 1 x when we met at child support hearing
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
