I want to make sure my post is understood the way I mean it. Btw, the reason I asked "why" earlier was responding to what you said about reminding her again that you needed access to messages.
As a former WW, I can honestly say transparency is key in getting the MR back on track. My H did not have the DB tools, but I did......so I volunteerarly left everything available for him to see. I wasn't thrilled about giving up my A, and I had zero interest in putting energy toward working a M I thought was dead. However, I had no problem keeping everything transparent. It helped me tremulously, b/c it was a way of giving account of my actions. Of course I could have found a way to hide things, but if a woman is honest about ending the A in order to save her M, then she should not cry about it being a technique of controlling. It is a technique to earn trust for the LBS and a means for helping the WS to give account.
Whenever a WW resists and resents the transparency, I believe it is big red flags waving in all that hot air she's giving you about ending the A.
There are other things that can be done on a transparency plan. Having her passwords is only one thing.
Trumpet, I am concerned that your WW wants to hold you at arms lengths, pretending that she just needs some time, and pretending she's "thinking" about the transparency plan. I think she plans to gradually ease back in.........and you will be so glad to have her back, that you'll stop all that nonsense about transparency. Furthermore, I think you will, too. You are already taking her to dinner and acting as if the M has been reconciled.
IMHO, you can't continue to "remind her" you need her passwords. Trust me, she hasn't forgotten.
If you want to really see if she is playing you........wait sometime when she's reading or texting and reach your hand out and ask for her phone right that minute. If she fights you about it, she's hiding something. If she says to wait till she's finished texting, then she's deleting. If she has nothing to hide, she should not have a problem in gladly handing her phone over to her H, so he can see what a good girl she has been!
I find it rather strange that these women who wail that it is control and intruding on her privacy, etc...........are the ones who are lying and plenty to hide.
Oh, for clarification, following a transparency plan is nothing like snooping/spying. The S is suppose to agree to the transparency plan.
Have you talked to her about any other part of the transparency plan?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
