dday, getting out of the muck

[tl2]

she acts like it's an adventure.

Right now, for her, it probably is...at least part of the time, and she also isn't going to show you whatever pain she might feel over it (if any).

Sounds to me like you handled things well.

One day at a time.

[dday]

I am sad that my M will officially be over with a judge's signature very soon. I will be glad to put this chapter of my life behind me though. I do still need to work on detaching more, but at least now it is occurring during our interactions. Before it was anything she was doing. I see her texting now, and for a split second wonder who she is talking to, and let it go.

I do not want this D. But, apparently it is the path we have to walk for a while, maybe forever. I still love her, always will, but at the same time I am disappointed that we have come to this. That she quit. Still think she is trying to cake eat by sitting near me and trying to talk.

I spoke to a coworker yesterday, who a year after his D had his XW move back in with him. He said to just go live your life, don't be mean or stupid, and she may decide to come back. Don't hinge your life on that. Don't pass up opportunities to have fun with buddies, or even date. That is how it worked for him.

Seems like simple, sound advice.

[tl2]

I spoke to a coworker yesterday, who a year after his D had his XW move back in with him. He said to just go live your life, don't be mean or stupid, and she may decide to come back. Don't hinge your life on that. Don't pass up opportunities to have fun with buddies, or even date. That is how it worked for him.

Seems like simple, sound advice.

It is. It's what's best for all of us in this sitch. The future is coming at us whether we like it or not. We have a good bit of choice over whether it's going to be positive or negative, whether it's progress or pain.

You might be like me a little in that you find the prospect of thinking about big life decisions in a very different future off-putting. I'm not comfortable with that yet. But I am comfortable reminding myself that life isn't over, the future will be good, that much in my life remains good.

So I'm continuing to do things and try and think things that keep me on that path for today. I look at it as investing in the future that will pay off someday, one way or another. For right now, I'm continuing my work on myself and being there for the kids.

You are stronger now. You will get there.

[ARose]

My friend was the walkaway and she had a change of heart one week before the D was final. On Christmas morning. They are now happy.

[dday]

Fo, I could only dream that was the case with me. I could use a Christmas miracle!

[mutatio]

dday, your grasping, please stop. Not for me, for yourself.

Ajahn Sumedho, in 'Teachings of a Buddhist Monk':

"Desire can be compared to fire. If we grasp fire, what happens? Does it lead to happiness?
If we say: "Oh, look at that beautiful fire! Look at the beautiful colors! I love red and orange; they're my favorite colors," and then grasp it, we would find a certain amount of suffering entering the body. And then if we were to contemplate the cause of that suffering we would discover it was the result of having grasped that fire. On that information, we would hopefully, then let the fire go. Once we let fire go then we know that it is something not to be attached to.
This does not mean we have to hate it, or put it out. We can enjoy fire, can't we? It's nice having a fire, it keeps the room warm, but we do not have to burn ourselves in it."

Let go of her dday, in this moment she is the same as fire.

[dday]

Thanks mu. You're right, have to keep the rope out of my hands.

[mutatio]

I believe you should treat her kindly. I also believe you should treat yourself kindly. It is unhealthy to cling to the idea she may come back. You must let the cool, confident, mysterious, happy go lucky dday out of his cage and set him free. How do you feel about dating? Nothing serious, just a fun night.

[JksD]

Dday, good work on detaching from the texting. I am trying to do that too.

Your coworker is right. He sounds like a good DBer!

We will get there buddy. You sound like you're on the correct path already.

[Sotto]

Hi Dday, I agree with Mutatio - I think it's detrimental to you to cling to the hope your M may be restored. Like the story of a turnaround a week before finalising D - or a Xmas miracle. Who knows my friend - it may happen for any of us. But I don't think any of us should pause our own lives just in case. If it happens, then we can put our foot on the ball and have a think about what we want to do.

But, until or unless, it's full steam ahead. There's a life to be lived and it's gonna be a good one....

Take care xx