Mutatio, your daily interactions with your W are hard to deal with. Each sign of disrespect or act of indifference or pure coldness are all minor in the scheme of things.But their constant consistent and on going nature really weigh up. If you let it happen each such act will add weight to your burden,which is already too heavy.
Although not to the same extent I have dealt with similar poor interactions.Over time every such behavior reinforces the certainty that there is no hope.
And thirdly after such a prolonged exposure to this it us normal to not want to put up with it any longer.
Before I add anything I will reiterate that I understand your pain and it is normal. But this leads only to resentment. Resentment affects our thinking, which affects our behavior. Our behavior affects our interactions and being resentful can show and shows W a reason that she is right to not treat you right. Viscous circle.
You have a few options: 1. Find a way to not be affected by it. Change focus. Maybe list positive aspects of still being together. There are many no matter how lousy things are. Go ahead and think about it. 2. Stand up to W and let her know her interactions are disrespectful and cannot continue. This is a dodgy one, but if you can do it without being controlling or demanding, it could help regain some respect or maybe just some adjustment of attitude. As long as not done negatively it is an option. 3. Rethink your 2 year timeframe.I feel this also weighs on you. I can understand why you prefer to wait for your son to graduate. That is noble and great but you can never support another two years unless it is for you. Rethink your reason. It needs tobe about you and what you want. 4. Get back to basics. Detach, gal and really work on improving you.Focus on you.
I rambled a bit and don't have time to refine my thoughts.Hope some of this makes sence.
Enjoy this week regardless.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
It makes sense. I will incorporate some of it into me and my goals I'm working on. I plan to make some changes after new years. Things I want to do for myself, with my kids and with kids & wife. I want to stay for the next 2 years and hopefully forever. I will chose how I stay depending on my wife's behavior. Thank you for your continued support roiste, it means a lot to me. Be well
Coming across a monk praying while circumambulating a holy building, Geshe Tenpa said, "How pleasant to walk around sacred places, but you know, it's far better to practice the wonderful Dharma." The monk took his words to heart and began earnestly studying the scriptures. One day Geshe Tenpa came across him and commented, "How commendable it is to study the scriptures, but you know, it is far better to practice the wonderful Dharma." The monk took his words to heart and took up intensive meditation. One day Geshe Tenpa came across him and said, "How blissful to be lost in one-pointed meditation, but you know, it's far better to practice the wonderful Dharma." The monk was completely confounded. In desperation he begged, "Master, teach me what to do." Geshe Tenpa smiled and replied, "Just stop grasping at things."
I am still reading, I ordered a couple of books from my course on children and verbal abuse from the Tavistock centre bookshop.
They haven't arrived yet. I have a couple of things I want to think about and because I have fostered children with FOO issues I want to think know very carefully on my posts. I feel this is important. The one thing I do know is that FOO issues shift very quickly when addressed. This isn't straightforward for me as there are gender and sibling issues involved.
I notice that W leaves on her travels on Christmas Eve, if it's ok with you I suggest we look in depth after Xmas, we can concentrate on it.
This is important to me that I do my very best for my wonderful DB friend.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/22/1511:56 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Everything in it's time. No worries dear friend. Please take your time. I am trying to stop grasping on to things in life. Like the song says, I want to hold on loosely but don't let go.
"Hold On Loosely"
You see it all around you Good lovin' gone bad And usually it's too late when you Realize what you had
And my mind goes back to a girl I left Long years ago who told me
Just hold on loosely But don't let go If you cling too tightly You're gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in And a whole lot of space to breathe in
It's so damn easy When your feelings are such To overprotect her To love her too much
And my mind goes back to a girl I left Long years ago who told me
Just hold on loosely But don't let go If you cling too tightly You're gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in And a whole lot of space to breathe in
Don't let her slip away Sentimental fool Don't let your heart get in the way Yeah, yeah, yeah
You see it all around you Good lovin' gone bad And usually it's too late when you Realize what you had
So hold on loosely But don't let go If you cling too tightly You're gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in And a whole lot of space to breathe in
So hold on loosely But don't let go If you cling too tightly You're gonna lose it You're gonna lose control
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
So hold on loosely But don't let go If you cling too tightly You're gonna lose control
Hold on loosely But don't let go If you cling too tightly to her You're gonna lose control, yeah, yeah, yeah
Hi Fo, thanks for stopping by. I am always happy to see a post by you. I have been following your thread and it seems that you're in a situation with no good choices.
My wife was slightly less talkative then the weekend but she works hard and is tired after work. Even today is better then the past months. I think nothings changed. I believe she is less defensive because I have given her a wide berth. It's not good by a long shot but it's better then before. Thank you for asking.
I plan to keep my distance and validate when I have an opportunity. I am not planning this to win her back. I am simply giving her the distance she has requested and providing supportive dialog when I am engaged in conversation. I am going to enjoy my life and try to bring joy to those around me. What more is there to do in one's life?
Mutatio, I am going to do the same. I try to connect with each of my children each day in a personal way, to make sure they each had what I cheese-ily call a "mom-ent with mom". My children notice my sadness. I need to find more ways to bring joy to their days. Music helps so much! So does the movie Elf, which I watch almost every day. My kids are sick of it though and keep turning it off to watch Star Wars. My house is filled with children, with music, with cookies, with laughter. And yes, too often, my tears of heartbreak. I will do better. Thank you for your friendship.
I hope you are enjoying your daughter as well. Her trip sounds amazing.
Keep your eyes open for those hot air balloons for me! I used to chase them down with my kids and watch them land, if you are there when they land you get to help fold up the balloon and its lots of fun for kids. That was a "magical" part of our experience in NJ, one of the things I am sure the kids will remember forever. Time to create some more magical moments, they are growing up so quickly.
