WW is onboard with trying to save the M

[JGuy]

My W was in a real funk all day yesterday, didn't really want to talk about anything. In the evening she came by and ask if I wanted to talk. She admitted that she was grieving the loss of the OM. I acknowledged that it would be hard, and I reminded her that she is free to choose either him or me, but that she can't have both of us. We both agreed that when she is still contacting the OM and hiding it, it seriously undermines our chances of saving our M. She could clearly see this, and agreed that our M really deserves a fighting chance. She wants to try again to really see if things can start to improve once she isn't in contact anymore. As usual, it was nice to see her sincerely apologizing and admitting her confusion. She feels terrible about herself for flipping back and forth and failing to make a decision and commit to it.

When it was my turn to talk, I shared just how much harder it is for me to trust her now since she continued to lie about NC with the OM. I told her that I would really need her to step up and convince me somehow that I can really believe her if I am to give her yet another chance. I suggested that she could give me access to all her communications as a way of showing her commitment to honesty. She didn't like how this idea seemed so controlling and pedantic. To that, I asked if she had a better idea, which she didn't. She said she would think about it.

Today, we talked about it again. I clarified that I really didn't want it to sound like a demand, but more of an invitation to help me so that I can make it possible to consider giving her another chance. I pointed out that if she gave me her passwords reluctantly and out of a feeling that she had to because I was demanding it, that it would indicate that she had missed the point. If she does it, it needs to be out of an understanding that comes from putting herself in my shoes. This clarification seemed to help shift her thinking about it, but she still wanted to consider it more.

Several weeks ago after the BD, she admitted to me that she has a real problem with wanting to escape reality and dwell in the comfort of fantasy, which is exactly what drew her into the affairs. Today I asked her if this tendency to dwell in fantasy may also be interfering with her ability to see the reality of our situation and what it is going to demand of us both if we are serious about working on the M. She admitted that it's true, she probably is avoiding reality because it's so overwhelming right now, and she could see how when she abandons reality, she also abandons me. I reiterated that I really need her to hear me out, and see the reality I am in, which was created by her choice to continue being dishonest.

As usual, it sunk in and she showed a lot of remorse, but it just went straight into self hatred and wanting to give up because she feels so incapable of fixing things. As usual, I ended up trying to encourage her not to give up, telling her to focus on setting goals and taking small steps. I gave her my assurance that I would be her companion each step of the way, if she was really willing to begin doing the hard work.

This conversation brought us closer and she gave me a very sincere hug and looked in my eyes before she left for work. It felt good, but I am feeling pretty exhausted by all these ups and downs, uncertain about how long of a leash to give her. Part of me wants to shorten the leash and be really tough on her. If I insist that I need access to her communications if I'm going to risk giving her another chance, I'm concerned that this may come across as demanding. However, if I don't, then I am being a doormat. I also wonder if perhaps I have already let it go too far and I need to wake up and see the reality of her behavior for what it is. Because of how easily she gives up when she feels overwhelmed, I'm worried that if I go dark, then it may only create more distance and hurt our chances. There's lots of uncertainty in the world of JGuy right now.

For now, I'm just going to try and stay focused on working through my own feelings alone, taking care of myself, detaching, etc. I can see that I truly do have to let go and allow things to happen without me trying to micro manage it all. I have had glimpses of a very free and open feeling when I think about really letting go, but it's elusive, and I still have a strong urge to control the outcome. I think it's gradually becoming less, though. So, I should probably celebrate that as progress. The more I gradually detach, the more clarity I have about our situation. The more clarity, the better my own decisions are. So, that's where I'll focus.