We had a make up hug which has helped - W has also put the two wedding photos back in place in the MBR.
We both need a good nights sleep and I need to reboot DBing tomorrow
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Stop wringing your hands over this. She's just pissed bc she got caught being what she's become. Could you have handled it better? I'm in the kick his arse camp personally (metaphorically speaking), so who cares. Tolerating something intolerable isn't noble or dbing. Here's the thing, this has probably been going on a lot more than you know. She's like a college geirl, with daddy issues. She'd be swinging around a pole if she was 20. That's why she hit you. Good news is it's actually progress. Keep on keeping on, merry Christmas.
W is very down and has said she will not drink again until the New Year - we shall see.
She rang me 3 times in the day.
One to vent her frustrations about her mother who will not contact Hospice nurses to look after FIL when he comes home - they are hoping he will come home tomorrow but will need homecare and MIL is not up to it.
W still said I made took her Birthday from a day which was just about ok into the worst night of her life - I have stopped saying sorry, defending my actions or justifying the stance I took about the taxi driver. I just said I wish things had happened differently and I cant change what happened and I understood her feelings.
NB I have started a process to report the taxi driver to the authorities for inappropriate behaviour - W does not know.
As far as I am concerned he took advantage of a vulnerable drunk,solo female passenger to get personal details. By the end he had W's age (her birthday), date of birth, first name, phone number and address.
Anyway later W rang to say sorry for 'making you feel bad' - so that is progress.
I gave W a shoulder rub at 6:45am before work - she was weeping because SIL had changed her profile picture on FB to a picture of her father.
Last night I gave her another shoulder rub and pulled my fingers through her long hair - she is still v v down, depressed and sad, but accepts my shoulder rubs etc without question - she just doesn't want hugs as they trigger tears, sobbing etc.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Yesterday evening I went to my IC session - she is a qualified psychotherapist and sex therapist - and is really helping me a lot to get through this.
I told her about the fight W and I had on Sunday am, and also about the child sex abuse W had suffered as a 3/4 year old.
Also the 'grief' W is going through with the sudden terminal illness of her Father - the guilt, remorse, regret, love and hate W has felt for her Father.
We will explore how all these factors have influenced W's life choices over the years - her destructive behaviour, her driven behaviour, her perfectionist tendencies, her promiscuity at University and beyond, her use of anal sex toys, her binge drinking,
Other thoughts from the councellor
W's need to hear the words ILY as her father never,ever said them to her (NB I didnt know this until Sunday). But she used to complain i didnt say ILY enough.
W's 'All or Nothing' nature. She either loves someone or doesn't - there is no in-between and love is a feeling not a choice. W never letting men get close to her - she always finished the relationship first - i was the first she truly loved but I had to say ILY first...W was insistant. W's self worth self esteem issues, her need to be 'liked' on FB is obsessive
I have another session in a week.
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/22/1501:30 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Sorry to read about your argument with your W. I can feel your pain as I read the posts. You will get through this. I don't feel you did anything wrong. Change your focus to being there for your W. Have a plan now on what you are going to do to support her after the news of the passing. What you will look after, what you can take off W list of things she needs to do, what you might need to buy her.
My W lost her Grandfather and I was lost at what to do and looking back I should have put some thought into it before hand. I was there for her but did nothing, and didn't think to offer to do anything for her.
Stand strong and be the lighthouse for her.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Hi vise - thanks for stopping by and thanks for your thoughts.
I didnt do anything wrong but my timing sucked - as MWD said ' 'pick your fights'. W exchanging numbers like that was a red rag to a bull - all my frustrations came out. Several times I tried to leave the room but she either blocked me or goaded me into staying - saying I was running away - which I would have done years ago. I decided to fight my corner.
I should have put her to bed and and brought it up again when she was sober.
Its in the past - cant change it.
Your advice about being there for W is great and reinforces what the IC said. Each day I use the phrase ' How can I help you today? What can I help you with? i dont ring,text or email her and let her come to me. She wants to work to keep busy.
I am doing the child minding/housework/grocery shopping/present wrapping etc at the moment. If I see her wake very early (a sign of distress) I will go downstairs and talk to her give her a shoulder rub - dont ask, just do it.
In the evening again shoulder rub/neck rub - she has lots of knots - and combing through her long hair with my fingers - I wonder whether her mom or dad did this as she closes her eyes and melts a little when i do it.
Its hard not to smother her as I just want to wrap her in my arms and hug her forever - I've never seen her in such pain.
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/22/1502:26 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I have reread most of this thread but I guess I'm missing a few things.
WAW has given you the BD. She is WW. She is being blatantly disrespectful including slapping you in the face, essentially telling you that you are a failure as a husband for not standing up for her, and spewing at you every chance she gets.
Yet you seem to act as if you two are married, she is your wife, and you need to protect her, love her, and take care of her?
Have you read Sandi's threads on WWs?
I know I'm on the outside but it seems that you are missing that the marriage is over. You can't bring her back. All you can do is become a strong, independent man that is capable of finding his own happiness and being a spiritual leader of your family. She needs to go on her own journey. Maybe she'll hit rock bottom and make changes in 6 months or 6 years. Maybe she won't. There is nothing you can do to speed that process up. All you can do is slow it down by enabling her, protecting her from the consequences of her actions, and remaining attached/clingy/needy and giving her more reasons to want distance and to feel disrespectful.
Quote:
I should have put her to bed and and brought it up again when she was sober.
This is an example of what I mean...no, you shouldn't have. Why would you bring this up? There is nothing to bloody talk about. She's BD'd you and is flaunting a series of disrespectful behavior in your face. The more you lecture and try to explain how she's being disrespectful the more she is acting out. No R talks. No words. ACTIONS. She is not your W, she has fired you as an H. Decide what your boundaries are, communicate them one time, then act on them. Have you done this?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm not sure how far you have read back but this is a difficult one.
I don't think W is in an EA/PA - I know that it shouldn't matter as I have been sacked as a H but there are subtle differences between DBing a WW and a WAW.
She hasn't been disrespectful for many weeks until Saturday night when she was at her most vulnerable. She was very very drunk, highly emotional, grieving for her father, telling random female strangers in the toilets of the pub of her problems, etc etc. as near to a nervous breakdown as anyone can get. All day Sunday and into Monday she had an uncontrollable nervous twitch- her leg was shaking. She is unravelling - her words.
Child sex abuse by her father has been a huge hidden secret in her life - she mentioned it to me once 10+ years ago and then buried it.
If after her father dies, and another BD talk comes I will distance myself for sure.
I am much stronger, more confident in myself, know my own self worth, I am physically fit, GAL as much as possible, and have two fantastic sons. I am lucky.
In the meantime I intend to be a supportive rock in the most difficult days of her life, not to smother her, but to love from a distance , but be available. A rock is the wrong word, as a rock is cold and uncaring, I will be warm, kind, caring, thoughtful and loving from a distance. I am trying to be a man she will respect, and be attracted to.
If it gets chucked back in my face, I will make a stand at that point. Due to our circumstances (work) she will not leave the house and I certainly will not leave if she asks me to. That will leave her with the choice of going for D or in house limbo. Even if she files it would be 2 years in UK until D.
I know much of this flies in the face of Sandis WW thread and advice but it is also DBing, as I GAL, have done several 180s, and going to counselling, read a lot of self help material etc.
Please don't take this post as disrespecting your 2x4 post. All views keep it real.
Initially W showed the usual, disrespect, resentment and rebelliousness. All that had gone until her disrespect on Sat night.
There are very few threads with no EA/PA, Huddy is one.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
He is continuing to deteriorate rapidly and might not be with us at Xmas .
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
No disrespect taken. Makes sense, I caught up on your sitch at the exact wrong time, got the wrong idea. I think I saw the "EA 11/15" in your signature and took that to mean she was emotionally wayward.
Sandi definitely advocates there are some differences, but either way there are a lot of similarities. Love what you're saying about 180s, GAL, and just being more secure with who you are. Things have a way of clarifying after the holidays, and with what she's going through. As long as you know what YOUR road looks like, with or without her, you're on the right track.
Sorry to hear about this last news. Praying for your strength and W/FIL's pain.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
