October 11

[Bfice3]

Okay, so more information:

I'm going to start with a little background. My mom, was always very good about coming to me after something happened: an argument, a punishment, a fight, what have you...and she would sit in my room and talk to me from her heart, and after she left, even if I was still sad or hurt, I knew that she loved me. (Usually)

My parents would have fights, but I don't recall there ever really being loud yelling of any kind in our house. Now, there was stress, and sometimes deep silence, but no yelling.

==> Sidebar: Just the night before last, I sat with my D(15) and talked to her for about an hour. Talking to her about her emotional problems, but mostly by sharing my stories, particularly since my W decided to tell the counselor in front of our D(15) that I'm an alcoholic and tried to commit suicide at 16. So, I sat with her and told her what and who I was, how I saw things, how I was handling(ed) them. And just shared with her, and it was nice, and we hugged and I told her I loved her more than anything and that I'm always on her side and she can come to me and talk to me about anything, anytime. (That's just to give you an example of me, even now.)

On my marriage:

It became pretty obvious very early on that my wife's family liked to yell. Her parents remind me of George Costanza's parents from Seinfeld. At one point, I even made a comment to my wife about how they yell and are angry so much. And her response was, "They're not angry. Nobody's angry, thats just how we talk."

Ironically, they yell at each other a lot, but then there is no real sharing and/or caring that goes on as I knew it.

In the early days of our marriage my wife and I fought a lot over finances, taking care of the children, and things like that. My wife is a hypochondriac (self-admitted) and she is truly a stress-monger. Having children really, really, really stressed her out. Everyday normal things would set her off and make her panic and lose control. I noticed this early on.

With time, the arguments forced me to begin to yell because I couldn't ever get my point across calmly. And I changed in that way, and became quick to anger and to yell (but I was never like that before). My wife also has a very sharp tongue and will say extremely hurtful things in anger, then usually she never apologizes. (Now, maybe she does technically say "I'm sorry" sometimes, but almost 100% never has she truly made an effort to create a warm, fuzzy truly apologetic and comforting effort to restore the position to pre-argument status.)

As time went on, the arguments have changed from taking care of children, and finances, to move into just the personal situation and relationship between me and her. And as I write this, I remember that I used to complain to her that we argue too much and that we don't repair our relationship and its driving me from her. But she would retract back to her 'place' and not talk anymore, leaving me to stew in anger and resentment. Then to come out of her 'place' at some later time (hours, days) and act like nothing happened.

So, things just continued to deteriorate. She would say I'm angry, and truthfully, I was. I mad because I wanted a wife that loved me and communicate with me lovingly, but rarely received that.

Two years ago went on a trip to London and Paris together for 10 days. And frankly, it was terrible. Again, it was me noticing that we simply had nothing in common, that she and I were so distant from each other that it was miserable. I would make an observation, and express to her I wish we could find ways to restore our marriage, but she would just act like thats just the way it is, or ignore me, or blame me.

I recognize also that many times I would do things, hoping and waiting for her to 'come to me' but she never would, and I would always feel more hurt than before.

At one point we went an entire year without having sex. Every single night of that year I would want sex, naturally, but I was being stubborn to see if she would notice, or mention it, or come to me for it, or anything. Eventually, she just started saying in passing that her husband doesn't even want to have sex with her, and so finally I gave in to my urges and we had sex. Then after, I asked her why it took so long? Why did she wait like this? Why didn't she talk to me, or come to me or anything, and she had no reason. I think she just said, "I don't know".

Over time, she became 'the bitch' and I became 'mean'. And that's basically just how we have seen each other I guess. It hurts, it [censored], and I always hated, but could never find a way to change it. I would go to her, and say I wanted to change things, I wanted to repair our relationship, our marriage. And she would nod and maybe say a few things, but never really did we ever manage to act.

Most nights, she would just want to go lay in bed and watch tv, alone. And she just kept herself emotionally unavailable to me.

I wuold be emotionally unavailable to her, I'm sure also. But, somehow in my mind, it was always her fault. And I imagine in her mind, it was always my fault. I recognized this. And I would say, okay, go to your wife, talk to her. And I did. Many times. Usually with zero results. With her saying, I dont want to talk right now. I'm tired. I'm too busy. Then just silence.

And that's how it was.