I am lonely, I have failed at making friends on my soccer team. I am having a hard time connecting with other people right now. I feel like I am floating around with no where to land. I am going to my W family house for Christmas. I have failed to make a connection with her brother and I feel so disconnected with her family. I potentially lost a promotion because they said I was too quiet and they couldn't see me filling the social part of the new role. I reach out to my female barber as a friend and now she wants nothing to do with me. My dog that I have been training still doesn't listen to me. You would think after a hundred times of stopping and asking the dog to sit, it would just sit on his own now. I cant talk to my family right now. I hug a pillow at night to feel love. I have so many project that I have not finished. I have gifts to give my kids that are not completed. I have money problems on top of money problems. And I am getting rejected and disrespected in my own house by my dear W.
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I wasn't gong to come back on this forum.
During your M did you act like a victim to try to manipulate your W?
When I read your reply to me it comes across as very controlling, like "I'm sad, my heart is broken, be nice to me and tell me what I want you to tell me, I can't take much more of this". I know this is painful, but it darn sure isn't my fault. We are trying to give you straight advice that you can follow to cut your pain months or years shorter and give you the best chance to achieve your goals. If all you want us to tell you is echo your own thoughts of self pity then you're right, you don't need these forums.
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How do I over come my dependence on her? When she forcefully rips it out of me along with my heart.
THIS is the right question, and this is where your focus should be.
Take the focus off of your WW, of graphing every move she makes on a chart that shows R on one end and D on the other, watching her every wiggle towards R and getting hopeful, every wiggle towards D and getting depressed, and convincing yourself that the only way you'll be ok in your life is by achieving R, panicking because it's out of your control, then trying to use every pathetic controlling trick in the book to try to influence her back towards the 'R' side.
Instead, GAL. Make new friends. I'd recommend posting quite a lot on other people's threads. See, right now the reason you can't imagine living without your W is because she is the sole source of many of your emotional needs. The reason GAL is so important is that once you start meeting those needs elsewhere (not OW! Just with friends, family, these forums, etc) you won't feel so needy and desperate. A funny thing will happen. Instead of her looking like the golden goose, the only possible source of your happiness...she will instead transform before your very eyes into a regular woman, a woman that is treating you disrespectfully, an addict that is destroying her life and is willing to destroy yours as well if it allows her to feed her addiction and avoid consequences of her behavior.
It may seem backwards to want to see her in this light, you might resist it by trying to hang on to your 'feelings of love'. But really R won't be possible until you have two healthy people. You can't change her, so work on you. I just posted more on this on another thread.
All your choices. You can step up, rebuild your life, be appreciative for all you've been given, and take responsibility for meeting your needs by doing the work to diversify and strengthen relationships with others that will care for you, keep posting, and become a leader...or you can keep doing the same things and getting the same results, and get angry at those trying to help you change your behavior.
I wouldn't be posting this if I thought you weren't capable of stepping up.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
