Hello everyone and thank you for being available to consider my situation.
Before I talk about my situation, I want you to know that I have already read Divorce Busters, Divorce Remedy, and I have gone over the Newcomers threads.
My wife and I have been married for 11 years. We have 2 children, ages 3 and 7. We have had a pretty crazy marriage to this point. We were both active military for 10 years. I got out due to medical issues and started a doctoral program. Since the beginning of my program we have had numerous issues. She kept telling me she felt "disconnected" and stated a few times that we were more like "roommates" than husband and wife. I didn't understand that I needed to probe further to understand what she meant so I did what I thought she needed (help around the house, spend more time with the kids, etc.), which didn't yield any results. In fact I felt like it only made matters worse.
About 1.5 years ago, I became aware of the fact that my wife was having an emotional affair with a man she met through work. I would catch her texting late at night and she would suddenly turn her phone off or hide it under the covers when I would walk into the room. I confronted her about it twice and asker her to stop. I caught her for the 3rd time and she claimed that she stopped for a couple of weeks and then started up again. At this point I decided to look at her messages, which I did for almost 6 months. She was telling him that she loved him, adored him, etc., however there was never any indication that there was anything physical. Regardless, there came a point at which I had just had enough and confronted her about it. I was extremely hurt and angry and couldn't believe what she was doing. She seemed to be very sorry but shortly thereafter she started to focus on my reading her messages instead of her own actions that brought me to do that in the first place. So now she was the one doubting MY trust... grrrr... I told her that she needed to break off the relationship with him and we needed to seek marriage counseling, both of which were done.
However, our problems continued and things only got worse. She was and is continuing to be disrespectful towards me, sometimes in front of the kids. I get no affection from her and she doesn't seem to want any affection from me. I was so desperate for some kind of attention that I myself started sending text messages back and forth to a former acquaintance of mine. It was honestly just to screw around and joke because we are like guy friends that have "bar talk". We joked around about thing via text (that I knew my wife wouldn't approve of) and my wife found the messages. Obviously she didn't understand the context so she started accusing me of cheating on her. Which on my own life I have not done. So she doesn't trust me again. Furthermore, she has busted me on some white lies over the past year or so. I would tell her things just to prevent us getting into an argument because it seemed that every time we spoke, an argument or disagreement would break out, and quite frankly, I just wanted to avoid it at all costs.
Then she started in on me that I'm not communicating with her and I'm not being open.
In the last 3 weeks, she told me that she doesn't love me anymore, she can't trust me, and that she is done. I just can't believe it and desperately want to salvage our marriage for the benefit of our awesome kids. They really are great, despite the turmoil between my wife and I over the past 2-3 years. We have tried really hard to not let them see us quarrel and I think we've done a pretty good job.
She still text messages me as if nothing is wrong. There's no affection in her messages, but she jokes around and updates me on what's going on throughout her day. I have started using the validation methods I saw in another thread. Sometimes it works, but sometimes she cuts off the conversation versus sharing further.
So all of this considered, I just don't know where to start with the DR steps. I can't go dark because she thinks I'm not communicating with her to begin with. I don't feel like I can do a 180, because I feel like that would create more of a disconnection and would make her feel worse about us. I don't feel like I can GAL (or at least it seems) for the same reason that I don't feel like I can do a 180. And I don't feel like I can tell her what I'd like from her because if she really is done, I don't think she'd care. I'm just really not sure where to start or what to do from here.
Any guidance would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So all of this considered, I just don't know where to start with the DR steps. I can't go dark because she thinks I'm not communicating with her to begin with. I don't feel like I can do a 180, because I feel like that would create more of a disconnection and would make her feel worse about us. I don't feel like I can GAL (or at least it seems) for the same reason that I don't feel like I can do a 180. And I don't feel like I can tell her what I'd like from her because if she really is done, I don't think she'd care. I'm just really not sure where to start or what to do from here.
Any guidance would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much!
Hello madney,
First, I'd like to thank you for your service and say I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You bring up a lot of good questions. Sometimes it is hard to know which strategy is best in a certain situation. It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
So all of this considered, I just don't know where to start with the DR steps. I can't go dark because she thinks I'm not communicating with her to begin with. I don't feel like I can do a 180, because I feel like that would create more of a disconnection and would make her feel worse about us. I don't feel like I can GAL (or at least it seems) for the same reason that I don't feel like I can do a 180. And I don't feel like I can tell her what I'd like from her because if she really is done, I don't think she'd care. I'm just really not sure where to start or what to do from here.
Look at the bottom of my post.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi. I hear what you're saying. One complication to doing what is being suggested is that we are still living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, etc. She originally said she's done about 4 weeks ago now and hasn't brought it up again since. I don't know if she's waiting for the holidays to come and go before she addresses it again or what. Do I just assume that it will come up again and therefore should I go GAL and do a 180 in anticipation of that?
I believe most women wait until the holidays are over before they take action. My advice is to get through next week the best you can. Don't try to persuade her about anything. Give her alone time and don't talk about the M, what she plans to do, or your feelings. Focus on the kids and showing them plenty of love and physical affection. They deserve to be excited and happy about Christmas, b/c they are kids only once.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks Sandi. I was thinking that she may be delaying until the holidays are over but I guess we'll just have to see what the New Year brings. I feel I've been doing pretty good with GAL. No hanging out with friends or anything like that, but I've started going to the gym on a regular basis and going out for walks for about an hour each night. She keeps asking me questions about these things, such as, "Why have you all of a sudden started exercising?" I just try to keep my answers short and tell her that I want to get in good shape again.
As far as Christmas is concerned, I have been staying completely away from any relationship stuff. It's hard to keep a happy look on my face all the time and once in a while she'll ask me, "How are you doing?". I ask her to be more specific. Then she says that my energy feels weird today and asks if everything is okay. On one hand I can't even believe that she can ask such a stupid question. On the other hand I just want to deflect the question and act as if all is well. So I do option number two.
But she'll say something like, "Okay, I'm just trying to open up communication." What do I do with that? Do I keep pretending like everything is fine or do I take the bait and give her a little truth? I think I should just keep to myself as far as what's going on in my head. Is that the correct thing to do?
No R talks. No 'truths' that involve showing you're hurt or needy. Don't take the bait or fall for the temp checks.
If she cared even a teeeeeeeeny bit how you felt she wouldn't be treating you this way. She's done, and she doesn't care. It's all about alleviating her guilt, keeping you under her manipulation, etc.
WW's need to be punted. By all means DB, work on yourself, set goals, do 180s, etc. But when in WW status they are pretty much possessed by the devil. Given prior remorseless EA's and her excuses of blaming you she's likely meeting her needs elsewhere.
Until that changes you deserve much, much better. And I don't know if it will change. Ug. I find this so disgusting.
That said, back to focusing on you. Where did you go wrong in the M, and what are your goals for you in the future?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
To be clear, I'm not suggesting you don't stand by your M. By all means, do. But don't use her as a compass and try to figure out what makes her like you more. That's gas on the FIRE! You know where you went wrong. Step up, be a strong man, lead your family. She might pout and sneer, in fact she will. Good for her. You aren't going to cater to the selfishness of an addict (EA's are an addiction in my book) or kiss her behind so you can continue to enable her. You really, really, really deserve better. Hopefully she can become better. Either way keep moving forward.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
