He just left. He's filing for divorce over the holidays. He needs it to move on. Has to take practical step to leave this toxic, co-dependent relationship. Our financial situation is bad bad bad. I made it clear though that I'm not quite ready to leave the US, there are some things I want myself and D to do that can't be done in the next month. Hopefully we can find a way to extend my time here a bit. He did also mention he's curious to see where things could go with OW. Not even sure I care anymore. The past 12 years have been terrible, we've worn each other out, me more so than him. I so understand him. I wish I could blame him. But he's right. And he has moved on. Now if only I could do the same.
I am sorry Gmum. So he isn't staying for Christmas? That is probably better for you, this year was going to be rough anyway. How is your daughter handling this latest development, if she even knows. So you are going back to Europe? Where are you in the states? (ignore me if you don't want to share) I am just wondering what the legalities are in terms of timeframe.
I am sorry. Hang in there, you are a strong woman, you can do this.
I'm exhausted. Didn't sleep a whole lot last night.
He's coming to stay for a few days tomorrow morning. Partly because doesn't have a place to stay, partly to be with D for Christmas.
I made it very clear to him that it means the world for me to get my citizenship before I leave, he seemed to understand. After that I'll feel better about leaving. He's right life will be better overseas. I want to buy a coop eventually, sick of throwing money out the window on rent. Then maybe if D and I can live there 5+ years I can sell it and actually make a little bit of money on it. We'll see.
Hearing him saying he wants to go for it with OW hit me harder than I thought. I understand him though. I've been toxic for him. And completely codependent.
I could DB from here till the moon and back, he'll never see me as anything but D's mom and eventually a friend.
I wish he was being a douche. That this was some mlc he might come out of, but fact is I spent 12 years being a scared little mouse, always hiding behind him while he was drowning in stress. I can only blame myself for this. It's doubtful I'll ever meet a man of that caliber again. I'm so ashamed. I could have had everything. But I threw it away because of fear. I hope I can forgive myself.
What is this thing about no private messages on this board? *stomps foot in hissy fit*
Gmum, I am like you too. While the X wasn't ( and still isn't ) perfect, I can see how I had helped to throw away the marriage.
And you know what, this is painful writing it here, but in the months leading to the D, he did give me hints about what I should do and should not do - reminisce but don't pursue, stop mentioning about the TP and stop being angry. Did I listen? NOOOO... That was how stupid and blind I was in my self-perceived righteous anger and hurt.
And it is this realisation that keeps me awake at night and sometimes pushes me close to the edge.
You've done good by my standards. If ever you feel bad about ruining things, think about me.
Gmum sweetheart. You must take steps to protect yourself now. I was very reluctant to pay much attention to the D matters because I was in such pain and I was in denial. But as mothers with young kids, we have to look out for ourselves and our Ds.
Keep the sympathy for H aside first and look out for yourself. Invoke the mantra: not my circus, not my monkeys. (I still keep feeling like I have to pay tl2 royalties for this).
Your H is in a dark place and he is not going to look out for you and D. You have to do it. And you're strong enough to. Get the best terms that you can get and remember that your H has also put himself in a bad position. He was the one who decided to check out of the M, so he has to deal with the fallout he's contributed. He may not be solely at fault for the M but he is solely at fault for wanting to file the D.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Listen to me. I know you feel ashamed and sad right now, but I PROMISE that feeling will pass. It is not reality. WE ALL made huge, gigantic mistakes in our M. Your mistake was no worse than anyone here. I was financially dependent on my H when he left me. Being dependent on him was not something bad or shameful Gmum! You both decided to live that way. NOT JUST YOU. So why would you feel shame?
But I see you do feel bad, and it is okay to feel bad. But you have to realize that soon you will feel good and how soon that happens in completely up to you.
I can tell you one thing I know about OW for a fact. One thing she has against her and there is no way she can fix it either.
She is not you!
He is with her, and it stinks and it hurts, but if you can, you HAVE to let that go for now. You have bigger fish to fry. Shove her down to the bottom of your to-do list.
The first thing to focus on is the fact that you are so emotionally attached that because he changed his life in some way, you were thrown into a depression.
Time to look at figuring out what is keeping you emotionally attached and unhooking those ropes. That way, your mood is not guided by his decisions.
There were many times in the last 12 years when you were more than kind to H. There were millions of ways you supported him, even when he did not deserve it. Because you are a very kind person. You pour love and support to people here with nothing asked in return. So dont start thinking you are some leech for him. You are not.
Rip that focus off of him and even though you dont feel like it, go do something nice for yourself.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Hey, I'm not too sure on your sitch- I need to catch up but I know that feeling you're feeling so so well. And I know that feeling of not knowing if you care anymore but hurt like hell!!
Sending hugs- these holidays are gonna be tough for us all. You sound like a strong lady!! Sending lots of love. Hang in there girl!!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
