October 11

[Bfice3]

I'm trying to learn about not being hard on myself Azzork.

I was speaking to a guy from Divorce Care who has been through this and he was correcting me on how I talk and think about myself.

I was coming in here to state a re-phrase of what I said about meeting my wife at the oil change. This is the actual text:

Me: I've been hearing your concerns about finances. We should get together for coffee and discuss and make sure everything is covered.

W: Ok. I appreciate your concern. When do you propose meeting?

Me: Whenever is convenient. Tomorrow if you like.

W: I'll see how work goes and let you know. What time would you be thinking tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking you would prefer right after work. We could meet early if you like, 7am at Starbucks?

W: You know, I'm bringing my car to (auto shop) Wednesday at 8am for an oil change. We could talk while I wait for that to get done? Will be at least 30 minutes.

Me: That works.

So...then I came here and said, "She agreed to let me meet her..." Which, I think, reading the text isn't accurate. She proposed a time and place, and I agreed. Big difference.

[TxHubby]

"I need space" almost always means I'm seeing someone else and I want to see where that goes while leaving you as a safety net. You can accept your position as plan B or you can refuse to be plan B. Women rarely respect a doormat.

[Azzork]

Me: I've been hearing your concerns about finances. We should get together for coffee and discuss and make sure everything is covered.

W: Ok. I appreciate your concern. When do you propose meeting?

Me: Whenever is convenient. Tomorrow if you like.
"Whenever"? Why not propose a time? Why interrupt your schedule full of GAL activities to help her?

W: I'll see how work goes and let you know. What time would you be thinking tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking you would prefer right after work. We could meet early if you like, 7am at Starbucks?
Again....YOU are doing HER a favor here. Why are you going out of your way to make things convenient for HER?

Remember - THIS IS NOT A DATE.

W: You know, I'm bringing my car to (auto shop) Wednesday at 8am for an oil change. We could talk while I wait for that to get done? Will be at least 30 minutes.

Me: That works.

So...then I came here and said, "She agreed to let me meet her..." Which, I think, reading the text isn't accurate. She proposed a time and place, and I agreed. Big difference.
She asked you to propose a time. Then you said "whenever" and then proposed two options. Why are you giving her so much power?

[Bfice3]

She asked you to propose a time. Then you said "whenever" and then proposed two options. Why are you giving her so much power?

I don't know the answer to that. It's going to be something gross, like I'm afraid and weak. But, I can feel that its wrong. I just don't know how to be, different.

[Azzork]

You just got here. I can't begin to describe where I was 8 months ago.
The first step is figuring out yourself and where you want to grow. I think from the last couple days of posting, you can start to see some of your behaviors.

Don't get down on yourself. Learn and do better next time!

[Cristy]

Hello Bfice3,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your step father and I am very sorry about your current situation.

You're right, Christmas is a big one!

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Fogg]

Bfice, could you explain more about your M history. What you two fought about, what she complained about, what you complained about. How both of you interacted. You have some great advice on your thread already.

I can tell you now the way you reacted to her phone conversation was very needy and weak. You left the house trying to get a reaction out of her and it likely just added to her resentment and disrespect of you. Did you often try to get her affection during the M and act that way? Saying things such as "if you really loved me you would...". Im not trying to beat you down, I did the same and it's often a quality of a "nice guy". You asking before if it was too much to expect someone to be nice to you after being nice to them. It is when you have a covert contract and end up being a jerk right afterward when they don't reciprocate the niceness. Also the thought process that if you do everything right things will work out is another sign.

Anyway, explore what makes you tick and why you acted the way you did in your M. Growth is there for those that dig and do the work. It's not easy but the outcome is worth it.

As for the differences in a WW to a WAW, there are some and they do require different strategies but there are much more similarities than differences. You could have a very polite WW compared to a very disrespectful WAS. Each sitch is going to be different. What you need to be doing stays very similiar and based on whays happening so don't focus too much on the label.

[Bfice3]

I'll give more detail soon Fogg. I've got my kids tonight and we're going roller skating.

I showed up again because I just spend a while talking to basically a stranger. My apt complex manager, a woman, who saw me 6-7 days right after the separation, so she's seen me at my worst. Anway...like Mach1...after a few minutes, she said, "You haven't said anything about loving your wife."

She started pressing me for why or how do i love my wife.

I think...I dont know. I need to think more on it.

But...I know for a very long time I've been unhappy in my marriage. I think its possible that I've been idealizing my marriage all along, and not seeing it for what it truly is.

I don't know. Maybe I don't love my wife, really. Maybe I want to love her. Or, maybe I want her to love me. Maybe I truly love her, and have never really felt her love for me the way I would want, and have therefore grown distant and cold.

[RosaLinda]

Holy cow, I checked in on you last night, and found nothing new, and then again just now, and your thread is on page 3 already

I don't know. Maybe I don't love my wife, really. Maybe I want to love her. Or, maybe I want her to love me. Maybe I truly love her, and have never really felt her love for me the way I would want, and have therefore grown distant and cold.

Here's the thing....love is a choice. Not "being in love;" that is a sort of magical hormonal chemical fascination. You cannot get enough of your beloved, you need her to be happy, you yearn for her. It's exciting, it's like being high. Better than being high.

But loving someone, day in and day out for years and years, is different. It's a choice you have to make every single day. Love is caring for someone, wishing the best for her, doing your best to make her happy and meet her needs. Loving someone takes a lot of work once the hormone-driven emotions wear off.

Sometimes people forget how much they truly love their partner in mundane day to day life, until life's circumstances and the threat of loss force them to remember. When you and your wife married, you made an oath to love each other until death, through good and bad. You're experiencing the bad right now. But life has given you a rare opportunity to take stock of what you want, of the kind of husband and father you want to be, and to do something about it. Maybe you will decide that you never loved your wife, but you made that vow to love her through better or worse, and I hope that you will do your best to honor that vow and become the man she needs.

I'm glad so many strong men are writing to you, helping you to live your life with class, honor and dignity. Not "moving on" but "moving forward." Becoming the best B you can be. You can do this!

[Bfice3]

RosaLinda, thank you so much for your very kind words. Its not often that I find comfort like that, or at least, I'm not used to feeling someone say something comforting to me. And yes, I'm glad that many people are taking the time to read my struggles, and responding with solid experience and advice.