His 2nd MLC and I am driving the other way!

[Mona52]

Thanks job!

I did not listen to your advice of course. over the weekend I criticized and rose to the bait. He is pressuring me into signing a paper to waive the 90 day waiting period for the D. So I was pulled in. But the good news is I recognized where I slipped up. Before, when I criticized, I felt justified. At least now I know I made a mistake so I can work harder on stopping my huge mouth before I say what I feel.

I understand what you are saying about a new relationship. I understand the complications. I am moving forward with my eyes wide open and I am being up front and honest. The only thing that has happened so far is dancing and a few flirtatious text messages. And when I say flirtatious, I mean innocent enough that I would have no problem showing my H if we were really M like a normal M couple.

That being said. I refuse to wait alone another 3 years. I dont have it in me. I have zero desire to be alone another night. It is hard to describe, but when I left my house to go to the dance last night, I felt beautiful. Like Wonder Woman beautiful (if you remember how beautiful Linda Carter was in the 80's). Then, Chris tells me how sweet I am. My H says I am a creature with a bunch of faces. Chris asks about my day, H wont even text me. Chris says words like stunning and beautiful, and he says them repeatedly.

I am so cold at night. I snuggle with my puppy but I still shiver.

I am not latching on to Chris as my new H. It would never, ever work. He and I are very different, and he is not looking for a wife either. I'm just looking for a friend to share little things, someone I can take care of a little bit. (I mean like back rub, not pay check).

I just made the perfect pecan pie and I will need to throw some of it away because I have no one to share it with.

I am living with my mom. We went out on Friday and she stole a glass from the bar. Chris used to be a cop, now he is a correctional officer for troubled teens. I know, if I go anywhere with him I will be safe and I wont have to petrified the cops will arrest me. My whole entire family are criminals. My H was my rock away from that mess. I have no rock anymore. I am a lonely island with craziness all around me.

My sister rear ended a car 2 days ago because she was texting and driving. In her text messages she was sending she was threatening her H that she wanted to commit suicide with her car! She just got out of prison and he says she goes out every night to burglarize people.

I have normal people at work, but we are all introverts and dont really talk about personal issues, like ever.

I know I have friends on this board. And when I get upset that my mom is criticizing me because I did not take my own popcorn to a movie and hide it under my shirt, I can come here and unload and you guys can keep me pointed in a normal path. But I need a shield, a protector, especially now when I feel so battered.

It is easy to say, be strong, but sometimes I cant be strong. I want to be weak and fragile and I want to feel safe and protected with no guards up.

I have no idea if that makes me selfish. But I am trying as hard as I possibly can to make sure I am not the cause of pain to anyone. I try so hard to say encouraging words, even when people are not doing the same to me. I wont hurt Chris, I will never let it get to that point. I wont get hurt. I have no heart left for anyone to break.

I just want to laugh and feel safe.