WW is onboard with trying to save the M

[JGuy]

She assured me that their contact wasn't romantic anymore and she was just trying to keep the friendship.

Im a little confused. What was the result of this?

Friendship?! Is that relationship worth ruining her marriage over...?

I think she's deluding herself by thinking she can somehow hang on to the OM but have it instantly change into a friendship. She'll need to decide if it's worth ruining our M over this, because I made very clear that by continuing to contact him (and especially trying to hide it) she is ruining any chance we have by continuing to place a wedge between us, during this small window of opportunity that currently have to mend things.

My perception is that she is flipping back and forth, confused, can't decide what she wants. Doesn't want to lose him but doesn't want to lose me either. She's behaving like a rebellious, selfish child, not willing to face the responsibility of making a decision that lies in front of her. In that state, she is incapable of respecting others. When I set limits, she gets huffy like a child, and I can see that she is in a very selfish place, unable to fathom what it takes to grow up and respect herself, the OM, and me by taking control of her own choices and having some integrity and being a person who is worthy of trust. She has her moments where a big part of her does see that she needs to grow up and deal with this situation like an adult. She flips between the selfishness and complete self-hate. I can see that she really needs help. Whether or not we end up saving the M, I am concerned for her.

I like what indigo1 said about it being time for me to earn back some respect. Most importantly, respecting myself. She has lost my trust completely. I'm taking the day to think about it, but I am tentatively planning to go through with requesting access to her communications. Not just her phone but email, FB passwords, everything. If she decides not to comply with this, then I would have to face the difficult moment of telling her that I can't see how there's any way for me to keep my heart open and continue working on the M with her.

I have been going through these motions in my mind and imagining how I would tell her that I want a separation if it really does come to this. I would want to tell her in a way that is self loving, respectful to her, and not dramatic. I would want to tell her in a way that isn't sudden and final, but takes gradual steps over the course of several weeks. I would want it to be a wake up call to her so that she realizes without a doubt that I'm serious and that she is going to lose me. Knowing her and the childish place she's stuck at, I think she might very well wake up quickly and may be very likely to come around when she realizes that our M and our family is truly at stake.

Given that I have been hoping that we can save the M, I imagine it will be extremely difficult for me to go through with it if it comes to this. I have today to think about how I will communicate with her later today when I see her, and how I will negotiate giving her another chance if she truly wants it. I welcome everyone's advice and varying perspectives on how I can handle this very important day for the future of my M.