In The Arena II

[Vanilla]

I have needed some time and space to reflect and compose.
Weight, food and abuse and their interactions are complex and poorly understood even by many professionals.

My research is based on ACES and the work of Bessel. I have had to dig deep, Jellyb these are my views and I am not a professional, so you will want to do your own research and seek advice. I hope this is helpful to you as a beginning.

A core working belief for all healthy humans is to maintain great basic self care, in times of stress it is best to have extreme self care. Becoming the best we can be involves the self centred act of extreme self care. This enables us to be the best for ourselves and others, our health eating and weight are part of it. Subconsciously we are attracted to those that are healthy bodily and mentally. Those who groom, take care of themselves, dress well and have financial stability. This includes weight, being seriously overweight and taking poor care of our health indicates potential problems with self worth.

Who wants a long term R with a partner with low self worth? Those who have low self worth themselves? Irrespective of their weight.

There are studies that indicate we choose out partners based on attraction factors, with scores for wealth, health, humour, body symmetry and weight. The mode is the most desirable of all, if one of the factors changes it can throw the balanced score card out. These balances change in the length of an R.

That is why I think you reach points in your R after a period when your weight becomes an issue for you. Your perceived weighting value to your partner changes and you focus on your weight as the defining issue.

So weight is important, serious overweight, lack of fitness, grooming etc indicate we are not taking extreme care of ourselves. If we were when the crisis is over our weight would stabilise to a healthy one.

We can be realistic, as we age we may need extra weight to look better, as we grow to be women or men to be fertile we can’t be seriously underweight. There is thus a band of acceptability. There is no ideal weight, just a range which is acceptable for health given our life circumstances at any time. And yes it matters, not as a factor of beauty but as an indicator of how well we value ourselves. To let ourselves become unhealthy because of life style (not illness or accident) shows low self worth. I think we become unhappy not because of the weight or fat itself, I think we do this because we know that deep down this is as it is as a result of our self worth. Fat is just that fat.

The excess fat wrapped around our internal organs seriously damages our health, the overall extra weight puts a strain on our hearts, lungs, joints and hormonal system. We know this and it makes many of us unhappy.

Let us be reasonable, thin isn’t the issue, health is the issue. Especially as we know from evidence how we have self knowledge when we are fit. Being thin isn’t the goal, being well and having high self value is. If being model thin, or muscled, or having a certain look gives us external approbation that isn’t true self worth, only a temporary external boost. That's self esteem depends on what others think of us, how we are to partners, family and friends. Even to strangers, we seek the applause, it boosts us from the outside in. The importance is from the inside out.

Childhood and adult abuse will bring us low self worth, in which extra weight can hide us. Jellyb I have never been overweight until recently, now I am 20 lbs overweight, it feels like protection. It is my grey rock, it makes me think that WH will find me unattractive and will leave me alone. My psyche says 20 lbs is enough, when I am ready it will go.

20 lbs is damaging on a tiny frame like mine, energy and health reducing but not immobilising. 80, 90, 100, 150, 200, 250 lbs as extra weight is gradually more restrictive and life shortening. Would 20 lbs satisfy Jellyb? Can she settle for a lower value of extra weight to serve her protection.

I think with today’s knowledge and society then the decision to put extreme self care on the back burner for expeniency is a serious decision. There are somatic involvements in it plus advertising and media pressures. In many ways the pressures mean going back to the basics, which means loving and valuing ourselves as we are. Then we will want to be the best and take great care.

There is resistance to losing weight, we balance the factors and lose the battle of extreme self care if we aren't careful.

I do believe the answer for many of us lies not in diets, food, exercise, fads, or fussies. It lies in extreme self care, believing that we are worth health and then taking the steps needed to look after than worth. That’s in the whole of us, fins, life partners, doctors, exercise, grooming, dress, friends, food choices, work and GAL.

When we are overweight that is out of balance, moving to balance will resolve our weight. We have to believe in ourselves enough to rebalance, to heal our bodies and minds from the physiology up. There are other destroyers aren’t there? Smoking, alcohol, gambling, going wayward, using drugs, having unpleasant tattoos, spending time watching too much tv etc.

Weight is an indicator that extreme self care is not in evidence. Notice I think of this as behaviour which is in lack and not a choice of deliberate destruction. Although I suppose sometimes it could be that.

Being very over weight could be a slow way of destroying our independence and health, just as smoking is both addictive and destructive.

Food can also be comforting and addictive (sugar for instance). Addictions have to be managed, just because something is very popular or pleasurable shouldn’t mean we should indulge.

I can’t see the obvious answers of eating 'better', 'less', different or to perform excess exercise is the answer. It’s simplistic to say eat less and move more, although when the mind is ready this will be the answer. Otherwise we keep reinventing ourselves, we diet, lose weight then relapse. The other factors of wanting to be healthy and weLL for their own sake are part of the care. This also means seeking medical attention for health issues including our mental health challenges.

So can you be happy only if you are thin? Yes and no. You are at a healthy weight (not ideal) because of self care, caring for yourself with all that goes with it, is maximising body state, that creates contentment and self ease abolishing dis-ease. Done this way it’s permanent. It also means that in an R we rebalance the factors between the couple. We become the best we can. Our higher power and our bodies know what they need to do. We need to get out of the way and heal.

The answer to a healthy weight lies in resolving those issues which get in the way of extreme self care. This includes childhood ACES and adult personality issues. The answer isn’t in diet and exercise books in my opinion. These are the techniques we use to master self care, for instance eating nutrition dense foods and walking every day, sleeping well, and saving for a rainy day.

To ask ourselves to be thin, perfect , beautiful is unrealistic.

To ask ourselves for extreme self care is not, as it requires our best not the ideal.

There is no ideal weight, just that which is best at that time. It may be better to be 300 lbs than 400 lbs. The difference between 135 and 155 is less marked. If 155 is maintainable then better that I hold at that than beat myself up for not being 125. I can’t put my life on hold until I am 125 lbs. However my well being rating increases imediately as soon as I practice extreme self care. Why? I look after all my stuff not just my weight. It creates shift and does not require ideal weight now. Moving to health makes me feel better, act better and increases well being. Whether I start at 172 lbs, or 155 lbs, I can have well being today knowing I value myself enough to practice extreme self care.

Jellyb, there is more to come as I examine your remarks, and yes, I think that we have hit a major stumble for you. This is a thick layer on the onion.

Your feedback on my thinking please. To sum up as you take extreme self care, do your Paleo, walking, resolving FOO. You are healing and as these issues resolve so your self value increases you will let go of the need for the next tranche of weight.

V