Green with jealousy you should have been Jelly, we were picture perfect. Naked we looked like sculptures. Both with advanced degrees, emotional intelligence, and straight teeth. Perfect on paper.
I also needed to get stoned every night, and all weekend, and drink 4 nights a week, and was averaging about 4 hours of sleep. I couldn't go 15 minutes without checking the internet. If we watched a movie together, I was up and moving at least every 10 minutes because I was unsettled. When asked if there was anything bothering me I couldn't answer truthfully. I lied regularly and was sure that my W would leave me any day. I was sure she was going to leave me most days, I just couldn't articulate it.
She was unable to speak of her own unhappiness and had convinced herself years before that the only way to be happy was to be single. She also couldn't sleep next to me. When asked if anything was bothering her she couldn't answer. She lied regularly by omission and then spiritually bypassed any responsibility for her own feelings.
Nothing on the outside is true. I don't care who the couple is, it's not all that it seems. What we had wasn't real, it wasn't all show either. But it wasn't truth. It wasn't honest. It wasn't intimate. We were on each other's sides, but neither of us let the other in 1%. Truthfully I don't think I know my STXW and know for a fact she doesn't know me.
How's that for perfect?! There was nothing about us to envy or be jealous of. I love my W, loved her in my M, but I wouldn't want my old M back by any stretch of the imagination.
It wasn't until this year that I really realized this truth about the externalities of life. Nothing is as it appears, or at least very little. Tiger Woods had a perfect marriage too didn't he? That Jared guy from Subway sure was a great representative for that company, stand up guy that lost a lot of weight.
It would be a pleasure to be friends with someone with your heart and mind. It would be my pleasure. I hope you never hide from anyone or anything again Jelly. The world needs you too much.
Someone recently told me that to deny help was selfish as it denies the person offering to help the pleasure and experience of doing so. That struck me pretty heavily as a reforming co-dependent. Don't deny the world the experience of knowing Jelly, it's our loss in that case.
Big hug, PP
Thank you for this very sweet, honest thoughtful post PP. You are very kind to me and for a girl that hasn't had a lot of gentleness from men, it is unsettling but in a good way.
I have learned a lot this week about some deep held beliefs about appearances. I feel a burgeoning release or letting go. I cannot describe the exact nature of what is being release, but there is shift. You comments about you and your STBX put a lot into perspective. There is certain immaturity in my outlook about this issue. I am so lucky to have such great teachers and mentors. Something I lacked as child/young person who was in desperate need of help.
Speaking of help, thank you for yours. Thank you for raising it above. I think you know that this has been a 180 I have taken up of late. It is not a place I feel at all comfortable. See after my parents separated and my mother when into her "crazy" period, my older sister left home and my younger sister started acting out with a series of at risk behaviours. I was it. I was the last man standing. So I managed my mother's mental health for her, co parented my younger sister and was dutifully a good 14 year old girl, who went to school, went to mass every wed and sunday and got enough of my work done to pass. I didn't cause anyone any trouble. I was basically running my life as a mini adult. On the inside I was falling apart. I had no friends, I moved between various social groups never connecting to anyone or anything. No one ever saw just how much I wasn't coping and just how much I really wanted someone else to take the reigns and be responsible for me. I never asked for help.
Now as an adult when my intimate partner offers loving support and assistance, I find it challenging not to experience the offer of help as either a critique - where I feel that they are staying I haven't got my sh*t together and then say thanks for the advice and support I will sort it. I then get resentful that they stop offering loving support.
It has until now been challenging to loved through offers of advice and support. Accepting help and support makes me feel broken, that I need to be fixed. So I tend to lie and cover up the areas where I feel vulnerable, until I break down or explode. This is not helpful.
To ask you PP the other day for help, this felt like a momentous step, to post daily about my vulnerabilities is significant, to post at the beginning of the week that I was feeling broken and defective, a huge step. This has been a tough, but changing week.
Thank you PP for your kind and thoughtful words about friendship with me. I teared up at that. It is hard to hear but lovely at the same time. If your travels bring you to the South Pacific, particularly little old Auckland town in NZ. Please let me know. I would love to extend the kindness you have shown me.
JB, as I lie in bed, home sick today from work, riding the waves of the DayQuil ocean, I imagine my DB friends with me. Can't you picture it? All of us, in a boat, rocking around on orange waves, purging ourselves of our wounds, all the while drinking DayQuil out of the bottle and watching all of our problems seem to melt away like ice cubes in the sink...
GAL- Check!
Zues, you are quite the delight today. I'm wondering something. Are you are romantic at all?
Hi there Jelly - I'm sorry that I disappeared again. (I've written and deleted at least 10 responses to you since your last thread, but never seem to be able to find the right words - as usual)
I wish this was all easier for you - it sounds like you have taken on so much in your life that there has not been much time to become you - at least the you that you want. Has being swamped in practical matters (and many of those that were beyond what you should have had to handle) stopped you from having the freedom to become comfortable with you? I hope through this that you find that balance of being able to care for yourself as much as you care about others.
So here's my take on appearances for as little as it's worth - but I'm sure that I'm not alone in this. There's beauty in so many things Jelly. a smile, a friendly glance, a warm touch, confidence, intelligence, decency, trustworthiness, a great laugh with an uncontrolled snort at the end that fuels more laughter - there are way too many things to list that are attractive. You can't see most of those things, but believe me when I meet someone, I know there's something drawing me in. I can tell you are beautiful just by the way you care for people here and how you speak (write).
Beauty cannot be defined in one way - and it is not fair to try and do that.
Just wanted to pop in and say hi and give you a hug. Take care Jelly
u-turn
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
Hello, dear Jelly! I'm just checking in to see how you're doing. You sound a bit more upbeat than you did earlier. I'm really having a struggle myself lately - there is so much about me I'm longing to fix, I don't even know where to begin! How does one prioritize where to begin when contemplating the repair of a hot mess, which describes me perfectly at this time.
You seem to be moving onward and upward, and I kind of feel like I'm stuck in place. How to get out of this ditch I'm currently stuck in? I talked with you about the importance of losing weight, yes I've changed not one thing. I almost feel frozen by the sheer number of things about myself I would dearly love to change!
Did you ever suffer a similar feeling? If so, where did you start? Do you have any insight for me?
Hello, dear Jelly! I'm just checking in to see how you're doing. You sound a bit more upbeat than you did earlier. I'm really having a struggle myself lately - there is so much about me I'm longing to fix, I don't even know where to begin! How does one prioritize where to begin when contemplating the repair of a hot mess, which describes me perfectly at this time.
You seem to be moving onward and upward, and I kind of feel like I'm stuck in place. How to get out of this ditch I'm currently stuck in? I talked with you about the importance of losing weight, yes I've changed not one thing. I almost feel frozen by the sheer number of things about myself I would dearly love to change!
Did you ever suffer a similar feeling? If so, where did you start? Do you have any insight for me?
Dear lovely Judy,
When I arrived here on the boards 5 months after BD and in the midst of recovering from a major mental health breakdown (I didn't know that at the time Judy) I made the decision that while Mr Ex was still in the forefront I my mind there was no way he was going to consider me anything other than crazy, while I was still crying at the drop of hat, managing panic attacks and a whole raft of other symptoms - lacking concentration, poor memory, sleep deprivation, constant thoughts of suicide.
I made the decision that I had to be well before I dealt with anything else. I made the decision to remain in my sisters home, I couldn't live alone at the time nor could I have lived with other people, who were not family. All I did from March through to May was go to work, come home eat well, go to therapy and have one GAL activity on the weekend and attempt to exercise three times per week. That was all I could manage Judy. There was one other goal and that was to remedy the hole that was in my stomach from my eroding gastric band, and see if I could lose some more weight.
So I made my goals really small: Going to work everyday for a week - check
Getting to the gym for my personal training sessions and another session during the week- check
Save $500 from every pay for plastic surgery - check
Text one friend every week to make arrangements for the weekend. check
Do my chores - check
Therapy once per week and then once per fortnight - check
This was my life from Feb-May 2015.
And then I had my op - I was fortunate in some bizarre way Judy that I got a major infection that took me out of the world for two months. I believe that while I was healing from the major infection I was actually healing my mind too. A major health crisis made me priortise myself. I walked away with knowing, that all any one of has at the end of the day is their health. If you're not healthy, your not going to be on the planet, long enough to love anyone, be in a relationship with anyone.
From October 2014 to May 2015 I had regular thoughts of suicide, and a desire not to live in this kind of pain any longer and then suddenly my life was at risk with this infection. There was also physical pain, which I have to say Judy was a welcome relief and distraction from the emotional pain. But I was left in somewhat of a quandary, did I really want a healthy happy body and life , or would I be more grateful for this infection running it's course. The desire to live is quite strong I believe. I think I recognised that I was more over the pain than I was over living my life.
When I was doing the life and death navel gazing Judy, there was little room for Mr Ex. I realised that his choice to absence himself from my life and to move on with a new partner he met three months after BD drop meant that in all honesty, he was worth little more of my time and consideration. I can say as 1. We were never married 2. We didn't have children and 3. He was fool to let me go.
So the illness was a blessing. I was forced to be quiet, to rest and to be still. I was in so much physical pain there was no room for emotional pain and this was a relief. I had the space I needed.
I guess what I am getting at Judy, is you can't do all this at once. You need to choose a few things that you can do on a regular basis and do them to the best of your ability. There is no room for H in your recovery. Recovery from a significant mental health episode I believe it like the addict choosing their sobriety one day at time. There is no room for distraction of other people's needs and wants because the only priority is you.
H is cycling through drama and abuse right now in an attempt to maintain control. Your physical safety is first and then your emotional and mental safety. Your plans right now Judy are not your weight and it's not GAL and it's not 180's. Your plans right now are about survival. My sense about you Judy that you are trying to do everything that you achieving very little. Some days I feel this desire to get on a plane and come sort it all out, because it would take very little, all it needs is co-ordination. It frustrates me that you appear to have few supports. These need to be concretized, people provided with roles and responsibilities for supporting you to keep yourself safe. I have may read this wrong.
Judy I never heard you mention talking therapy or counselling support. I don't know what your health care team is like, and apart from you lawyer I don't know who is supporting your to create physical and mental safety. But from the outside (and I am saying this as a professional- they need to pull their fingers out- and do their jobs) or are you trying to do it all on your own?
Judy of any one on this board, I understand the place you stand, the childhood abuse, the weight, the mental health, the abuse from H. I appreciate all of it. And I know now is not the time to attempt to be super woman trying to do everything. Small steps and small goals and let other people help you.
Maybe I have I been too harsh in my words and tone. I hope not because I would never want to be another bully in your life. That would break my heart. I just want you to do less with more focus. And I want you physically and mentally safe.
Please keep posting to me. If I can help I will, if I can't I offer you love and support. Take care Judy
Wow, Jelly. You called it exactly right. I am basically completely on my own here, doing it all by myself. I need to get into counseling, badly, but H is holding me somewhat hostage on this front by refusing to give me funds to go, and by refusing to pay to get my car out of the shop.
We have an emergency hearing on the 6th of January to address those issues. I just have to remain sane until then. Locking myself in my room all day so that I avoid H is doing little to help maintain my PMA. My GAL right now is literally this board. How sad is that? Well, in truth, I am so thankful for this board that sometimes I cry. I am, quite literally, alone.
My kids cannot take any more, nor should they have to deal with the deterioration of their mother's emotional health. Between the drama of things I've done myself, things H has done to me, my poor kids are overwhelmed. I've humiliated them with the entire car-crashing episode and the fact that I wound up first in mental care, and then in jail, thanks to H and his buddy. When my mugshot made the evening news, I think their humiliation was complete. At the moment, all the kids are frustrated with me for one reason or the other. I didn't handle my world falling apart very well, and they are old enough to pick me apart and find fault. I'm trying to repair my relationships with them, but I'm determined to leave them out of things from now on.
I've not been "myself" in months - they just don't know what to do, and I can't bring myself to put them through any more. I have two brothers. One lives near, but I cannot even look at him right now because he recently left his wife of 23 years for a newer, younger model in pursuit of happiness. I believe his actions led my husband (partly) to consider the same route. My other brother lives so far away, and has for years, that we've not really been close in years.
I had one cousin I used to be extraordinarily close to - but he's sided with H. That betrayal has cut me so deeply, I'm afraid to reach out to anyone else. This didn't come out of the blue. H and my cousin have been close for over 20 years. My cousin is one of those people who believe you can think yourself well - basically, I'm lazy and could easily overcome my health challenges if I just wanted to badly enough.
My mother is supportive, and always there when I call, but she is in her 70's and is dealing with a difficult H of her own. I will probably have to go live with them, which honestly, fills my heart with dread. I love my mother. I don't care much for her husband. I suppose I should be happy I have somewhere to land, even though it's hours away from here. But, oh! I feel like my punishment can't get any worse, to be forced to have to go live with her H. Everytime I think about it, I cry.
We've moved so frequently over the years, in support of my H's career, that I just got tired of making new friends. I do have a few that I know I could call - we've stayed in touch over the years - but they live so far away, and I just cannot deal with having to tell them about H and what he's done. I know I would get sympathy, but with them being so far away, I would get very little in the way of practical support, and it just seems like it would rip open a wound I'm just starting to heal.
I suppose the fact that I'm so isolated and alone is the reason I'm feeling so despondent and hopeless. I know it's not good for me - as social as I am - to be so isolated. I just have no idea how to correct the problem at present. H had turned any of our mutual friends completely against me with the lies he's been spreading around for the past few years. I had no idea he was doing this until recently. I realize now what a huge mistake it was to devote my life so completely to his - but at the time I thought I was being a great, supportive wife. I never saw this coming!
Being physically ill, financially helpless, and facing homelessness soon feels like more than I can handle in addition to the complete abandonment and rejection H has put me through. I know I didn't do anything bad enough to deserve this. I feel like I'm being punished for some sin I never even knew I committed. Yes. I'm despairing.
It is taking all I have to put on a happy face for my kids here at home. They certainly do not understand what I go through with the mental aspect. I've come apart right in front of them, and they wonder why I can't control myself. How do you explain mental illness to 19 year old boys who are under the influence of their father?
I think in writing this out to you, I've realized how very important it is that I schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist at once. I'm fooling around with something really serious, something that I've already shown I do not know how to manage completely. My preferred method is "white-knuckling" it. That works, mostly, for normal stress - but not the kind I've been experiencing.
I hate talking about it to most people. It's embarrassing, and I feel so very damaged and ashamed with the "mental illness" label. I am beyond thankful that I can talk about this with you and V. You two have shown such understanding and compassion that it's literally brought me to tears on more than one occasion.
Honestly, no one on this board has ever made me feel badly about what I struggle with, but it's rare for me to be honest about the extent that I actually do struggle. I can always tell when someone doesn't quite understand. I can order my mind around all I please, but there are times I have no control over what is going on in there at all. How can I explain that to people, and not have them think I'm a certified crazy person?
With the heart palpitations and fear of what is happening with that, the fear that H will have me thrown in the street, the dread of having to go live with my mother because I literally have no where else to go. I'b beginning to see why I'm so full of despair and wishing I would just die. It's all too much, isn't it? So your point of breaking it down into tiny little parts makes so much sense. I need to get out from under H's thumb and start with a psychiatrist and counselor. I think that is step one.
Thanks for being here for me, Jelly. I'm struggling and ashamed because I am. I literally do not know what to do. I need a miracle, but feel like I've been abandoned by ALL. I'm not crying right now, because that lovely numbness is still in place, but I am seriously worried about what is going to happen when it wears off!
I would love to see you talk to you psychiatrist or counsellor. Access to money and transportation should be no reason for you not being able to access help and support. If you were in NZ I would know exactly what I would do. Judy there are a million women on this planet who are experiencing what you are going through. They are living in fear due to their H's behaviours, they are depressed and mentally vulnerable for every reason there could be and they are struggling to find safety and certainity in world that supports those who have access to financial resources.
Judy if I was you I would be calling in the calvary. Not because you are currently crazy or psychotic, I don't believe for a minute that you are. Are your physically and mentally exhausted absolutely, and this is a reasonable response to warzone conditions.
The shame, the struggle and powerlessness is building because you are internalizing all the responsibility for your sitch. And I don't just mean with H. For the view your children have of you, for not being able to take more action and a whole lot more. That is a burden and it needs to be put down. Part of getting out of this rut is to release the burden of the shame. Externalize it.
How would you rationalise this sitch to me if I was in your shoes? This is what needs to be done. For right now it is about finding the most rational explanation for your sitch that isn't your fault or responsibility. Something that will get you through the next 24 hours.
The next thing Judy, if family aren't an option, then we need to rattle some professional cages, by any means necessary. When family members won't step up you build your resources where you can.
Small steps Judy:
Pc to Psychiatrist - appointment asap. Discussion of family/domestic violence from H. That should raise alarm bells for them.
Social Work outreach support to your home needed as you don't have transport to visit an office based social worker.
If there is a woman's group that is being run you want to access it.
Social worker needs to be supporting you to access sickness benefit (I don't know what you call it in the US, but I would be getting all the paper work done asap) In NZ you can apply online and get an appointment. As I social worker I would be picking you up and taking you to the appointment.
There must be social service support like this through you Psychiatrist or GP or local Refuge. Judy here in NZ your situation would meet a threshold for a protection order.
Is there anyway of lawyer building into the plan that you stay in the family home until your physical and mental health stablise. I have seen this done in NZ.
It pains me so much that as people experiencing mental illness that we feel the judgement and stigma so much that it stops us seeking the help and support we need. Makes me angry.
I remember for a time that the only healing emotion I had was anger. Instead of all the pain I was experiencing I suddenly got very angry, it was a motivating feeling because I was just plain f**ked off that everyone was getting something out of me being unwell but me. The anger forced me to making some different choices to help myself, where as feeling sad and powerless kept me stuck in the emotions.
Judy I was on a emotional rollercoster for months in the beginning , no one could pick my moods, people didn't know if I was going to cry at any moment or lose the plot with anger. I made the decision not to care, because it was taking everything in me to get up and out of bed every day. I decided to ride the crazy train all the way to the station. I owned the crazy lady title there for a while. Yip I'm not well right now, you are right, I'm finding this really hard. I need to prioritise myself in order to be well. Don't hide this Judy, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
You just happen to be one of millions of people whose brain chemistry and environmental factors and likely some genetic predisposition collided to make you crazy when stress comes to town.
Ride the wave Judy. You know for every down there is an up, universal principal. Your posts and kindness got me through a tough week last week. Have faith Judy this will pass.
I have needed some time and space to reflect and compose. Weight, food and abuse and their interactions are complex and poorly understood even by many professionals.
My research is based on ACES and the work of Bessel. I have had to dig deep, Jellyb these are my views and I am not a professional, so you will want to do your own research and seek advice. I hope this is helpful to you as a beginning.
A core working belief for all healthy humans is to maintain great basic self care, in times of stress it is best to have extreme self care. Becoming the best we can be involves the self centred act of extreme self care. This enables us to be the best for ourselves and others, our health eating and weight are part of it. Subconsciously we are attracted to those that are healthy bodily and mentally. Those who groom, take care of themselves, dress well and have financial stability. This includes weight, being seriously overweight and taking poor care of our health indicates potential problems with self worth.
Who wants a long term R with a partner with low self worth? Those who have low self worth themselves? Irrespective of their weight.
There are studies that indicate we choose out partners based on attraction factors, with scores for wealth, health, humour, body symmetry and weight. The mode is the most desirable of all, if one of the factors changes it can throw the balanced score card out. These balances change in the length of an R.
That is why I think you reach points in your R after a period when your weight becomes an issue for you. Your perceived weighting value to your partner changes and you focus on your weight as the defining issue.
So weight is important, serious overweight, lack of fitness, grooming etc indicate we are not taking extreme care of ourselves. If we were when the crisis is over our weight would stabilise to a healthy one.
We can be realistic, as we age we may need extra weight to look better, as we grow to be women or men to be fertile we can’t be seriously underweight. There is thus a band of acceptability. There is no ideal weight, just a range which is acceptable for health given our life circumstances at any time. And yes it matters, not as a factor of beauty but as an indicator of how well we value ourselves. To let ourselves become unhealthy because of life style (not illness or accident) shows low self worth. I think we become unhappy not because of the weight or fat itself, I think we do this because we know that deep down this is as it is as a result of our self worth. Fat is just that fat.
The excess fat wrapped around our internal organs seriously damages our health, the overall extra weight puts a strain on our hearts, lungs, joints and hormonal system. We know this and it makes many of us unhappy.
Let us be reasonable, thin isn’t the issue, health is the issue. Especially as we know from evidence how we have self knowledge when we are fit. Being thin isn’t the goal, being well and having high self value is. If being model thin, or muscled, or having a certain look gives us external approbation that isn’t true self worth, only a temporary external boost. That's self esteem depends on what others think of us, how we are to partners, family and friends. Even to strangers, we seek the applause, it boosts us from the outside in. The importance is from the inside out.
Childhood and adult abuse will bring us low self worth, in which extra weight can hide us. Jellyb I have never been overweight until recently, now I am 20 lbs overweight, it feels like protection. It is my grey rock, it makes me think that WH will find me unattractive and will leave me alone. My psyche says 20 lbs is enough, when I am ready it will go.
20 lbs is damaging on a tiny frame like mine, energy and health reducing but not immobilising. 80, 90, 100, 150, 200, 250 lbs as extra weight is gradually more restrictive and life shortening. Would 20 lbs satisfy Jellyb? Can she settle for a lower value of extra weight to serve her protection.
I think with today’s knowledge and society then the decision to put extreme self care on the back burner for expeniency is a serious decision. There are somatic involvements in it plus advertising and media pressures. In many ways the pressures mean going back to the basics, which means loving and valuing ourselves as we are. Then we will want to be the best and take great care.
There is resistance to losing weight, we balance the factors and lose the battle of extreme self care if we aren't careful.
I do believe the answer for many of us lies not in diets, food, exercise, fads, or fussies. It lies in extreme self care, believing that we are worth health and then taking the steps needed to look after than worth. That’s in the whole of us, fins, life partners, doctors, exercise, grooming, dress, friends, food choices, work and GAL.
When we are overweight that is out of balance, moving to balance will resolve our weight. We have to believe in ourselves enough to rebalance, to heal our bodies and minds from the physiology up. There are other destroyers aren’t there? Smoking, alcohol, gambling, going wayward, using drugs, having unpleasant tattoos, spending time watching too much tv etc.
Weight is an indicator that extreme self care is not in evidence. Notice I think of this as behaviour which is in lack and not a choice of deliberate destruction. Although I suppose sometimes it could be that.
Being very over weight could be a slow way of destroying our independence and health, just as smoking is both addictive and destructive.
Food can also be comforting and addictive (sugar for instance). Addictions have to be managed, just because something is very popular or pleasurable shouldn’t mean we should indulge.
I can’t see the obvious answers of eating 'better', 'less', different or to perform excess exercise is the answer. It’s simplistic to say eat less and move more, although when the mind is ready this will be the answer. Otherwise we keep reinventing ourselves, we diet, lose weight then relapse. The other factors of wanting to be healthy and weLL for their own sake are part of the care. This also means seeking medical attention for health issues including our mental health challenges.
So can you be happy only if you are thin? Yes and no. You are at a healthy weight (not ideal) because of self care, caring for yourself with all that goes with it, is maximising body state, that creates contentment and self ease abolishing dis-ease. Done this way it’s permanent. It also means that in an R we rebalance the factors between the couple. We become the best we can. Our higher power and our bodies know what they need to do. We need to get out of the way and heal.
The answer to a healthy weight lies in resolving those issues which get in the way of extreme self care. This includes childhood ACES and adult personality issues. The answer isn’t in diet and exercise books in my opinion. These are the techniques we use to master self care, for instance eating nutrition dense foods and walking every day, sleeping well, and saving for a rainy day.
To ask ourselves to be thin, perfect , beautiful is unrealistic.
To ask ourselves for extreme self care is not, as it requires our best not the ideal.
There is no ideal weight, just that which is best at that time. It may be better to be 300 lbs than 400 lbs. The difference between 135 and 155 is less marked. If 155 is maintainable then better that I hold at that than beat myself up for not being 125. I can’t put my life on hold until I am 125 lbs. However my well being rating increases imediately as soon as I practice extreme self care. Why? I look after all my stuff not just my weight. It creates shift and does not require ideal weight now. Moving to health makes me feel better, act better and increases well being. Whether I start at 172 lbs, or 155 lbs, I can have well being today knowing I value myself enough to practice extreme self care.
Jellyb, there is more to come as I examine your remarks, and yes, I think that we have hit a major stumble for you. This is a thick layer on the onion.
Your feedback on my thinking please. To sum up as you take extreme self care, do your Paleo, walking, resolving FOO. You are healing and as these issues resolve so your self value increases you will let go of the need for the next tranche of weight.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
