onward - 13

[u-turn]

Hey everyone - I do so much appreciate your help, though it may seem like by my lack of response, that I am ignoring you. That is not the case - I have found myself trying to write responses and continue this, but shuffle away and hide here. I assure you that I am trying not to do this in the rest of my life, but I am also feeling very defeated with every turn I make. Sounds dramatic, I know, and I am not just trying to get a reaction here, just being honest.

I will get back to responding to everyone individually but thank you Jelly, V, Rick and Ancaire (welcome).

It's been a couple weeks and not easy weeks. I'll give some highlights.

Picked a fight (stated my opinion) via text with STBX about my opinion of her locking the kids out of her house when she's not there and told her that I would never do that and I have nothing to hide from them. Also told her that in my opinion the kids should be able to talk to their grandparents about whatever they want. If they feel safe and comfortable with them, they should be able to get support from them - STBX definitely does not feel this way and secrets should be kept. I stopped fighting about it realizing that I cannot change her opinion and should have kept mine to myself. But I have told the kids that they should talk to them if they want - and this is different than what their mom told them and creates confusion.

L contacted me and the divorce papers are ready and can be signed. I have to arrange a time that we can go in and sign them. Another thing that I have to do.

Financial situation is still a little dire right now, but I will pull through this one chip at a time. I'm getting an idea of much is owed. Kind of funny - when the kids are here I make sure we eat well, but when they are gone I find myself eating like a poor college student. Reheating reheated leftovers, ramen, and even counting calories to make sure I'm eating enough. I am trying to stretch money as far as possible, without concerning the kids (they don't know any of this) I am trying to make sure they feel that everything is normal and good.

I went to my parents late last week and they knew thing were rough and offered to help me. I told them that I didn't have any money for christmas for the kids. This makes me feel so much like a failure (45 years old and having to borrow money from mom and dad). This is not what I wanted to do, but I accepted their loan. It sure will help with things - instead of an early dinner on sunday which I usually make something great (it was my week without the kids) I took them to go cut a christmas tree. we brought it home and quickly put some old lights that I found on it. WW sent back a box of unwanted ornaments with the kids so we decorated with them. (I do think that the kids still feel that their mom treats me like sh!t, but that is just me speculating - I really don't know that). We did joke about what we had - they seemed to have fun with it and had a good time with each other.

I have cancelled my IC appointment for two weeks in a row now, mainly because of money. She worried about me and actually called me (she guessed this is why I cancelled). She said that she could work with me on this and didn't want me to stop coming. I am going back tomorrow.

dreams - for some reason they have payed me a visit again. Almost every night dreams about W (not good), ridicule, and suicide. These have been around for about a week now. I can get up in the morning and say - these are dreams, not reality, and do not matter - but it takes me a couple hours to really get to a calm place. Usually after I have been at school for an hour or so. My friend that I work with - who knows more about me than just about anyone else, said he was concerned about me and said - "you are not ok" though I usually argue differently.

- by the way, I have begun watching inside out (in 5 minute increments), I am going to sit and watch the whole thing - I am accepting that this as reality and is exactly what is going on in my head.

I went to church this sunday for the first time in over 15 years. It was an interesting experience for me - not all good. I am not against religion in any way, but have a different viewpoint about why people should do the right thing. The sermon was a lot about strength to look past faults and forgiveness.

These things both made me think of how I am F-ing up my kids lives and I cry every day about this.

I also went to a christmas party for a short time on Sunday. I didn't know anyone there aside from the host, but it was alright - way, way out of my element. I am both glad that I went and relieved it is over. It was at a former clients house (that I designed and built) so I had things to talk about.

Jelly - it's the fourth weekly all-ska-monday. Yes - this has become a real thing for me - it's fun and it helps me not think too much. So I am going with everyone's version of pressure drop. toots and the maytals - (reggae - I know), the clash, the specials, will even throw keith richards in there.....come-on.

How about Amy Winehouse - mostly awesome, but just talking about the ska tie in today - (she did some work with the specials too) - monkey man.

have to run, but will continue this later

Big hugs to everyone here!!